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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

He says I love a painting more than him

339 replies

BeLimeTiger · 07/12/2024 13:28

I have a painting in my living room that was a gift from my ex who was an art collector. I didn’t make a secret of where it came from when he asked me a couple of years back. It’s of a bird, so not a sexy nude or a scene from a place we went together. I agreed that we wouldn’t have it in a prominent place if we bought a house together (I was thinking maybe in a spare room). He said last night that it feels really uncomfortable about it (he now lives in my house) and compared it to him having a picture of his ex on the wall. I love it as a piece of art and don’t think of my ex when I look at it. I could sell it but the stubborn part of me wonders why I should get rid of something I love to make someone else happy. We’ve been together for over 3 years and my experience of him is that he’s not jealous or controlling.

I felt completely blindsided by him suddenly bringing it up last night and he took my reluctance to agree to take it down as a sign that I love the painting more than him.

YABU- sell the painting. Your DP feels uncomfortable about it being in the house
YANBU- sell it when you buy somewhere together

OP posts:
SuperfluousHen · 07/12/2024 16:01

Well, do you love him more than the painting?

You say he’s not jealous or controlling but for some reason this painting makes him uncomfortable. In what is now effectively his living room.

So even though you can’t understand him couldn’t you try to meet him halfway?

Move the painting to the spare room and choose something nice together for your shared living space?

WeArentInKansas · 07/12/2024 16:03

It's very controlling and childish to complain about something given by an ex.

If your ex had given you a ferrari, I doubt he'd be complaining about that and refusing to drive it.

Christwosheds · 07/12/2024 16:04

TomatoSandwiches · 07/12/2024 13:33

I wouldn't get rid of it at all, this is his problem to get over.

This ! It’s a painting of a bird. Not a nude photo of your ex.

SuperfluousHen · 07/12/2024 16:05

vibratosprigato · 07/12/2024 15:17

@MounjaroUser I'm not saying that the painting would upset me, but if there was something that made me uncomfortable and they refused to get rid of it knowing how it made me feel, I'd obviously question if they cared about me at all!

As it happens my husband moved into my house that I'd been in for a decade before him. No issues like this, but if there were I'd just get rid.

I tend to agree. OP says he’s not jealous or controlling but he just feels a bit uncomfortable with this painting. Surely moving it to accommodate his discomfort isn’t too big an ask. I would.

SuperfluousHen · 07/12/2024 16:09

Crunchymum · 07/12/2024 14:26

We have a few paintings up that were actually painted by DP's Ex before me (landscape paintings from photos of "once in a life time" places DP went before he met either of us)

They were gifts to him, and are incredible pieces. I'm happy to have such meaningful and beautiful art in my house.

(Ex was 20 years + ago, pictures probably 25 years + ago and they've been on our walls for 17 years!)

Edited

The difference is that you are happy with them.
OP’s partner isn’t.

WeArentInKansas · 07/12/2024 16:12

OP says he’s not jealous or controlling but he just feels a bit uncomfortable with this painting. Surely moving it to accommodate his discomfort isn’t too big an ask. I would.

But it is controlling. It is controlling to object to a painting solely because of an ex-bf connnection. That's the problem. he should be grown up enough to regulate emotions about a past relationship and a tangential connection to a painting. It's very odd. Like I said, bet if it was a ferrari he would have zero problem.

Pompeyssy · 07/12/2024 16:15

So needy, insecure and unattractive.
I really would be thinking hard about living with someone like that in YOUR home.

I think it is very controlling and territorial in your home.
His issue to sort out.
Giving you the silent treatment too?

He's no prize OP.
Wake up and look at who he is showing you he is.

SuperfluousHen · 07/12/2024 16:16

PeggyMitchellsCameo · 07/12/2024 15:00

It’s not the same issue but I had a very generous ex who bought me a car. We didn’t live together, we broke up and he said please keep it. I’d really looked after it, it was so valuable to me. I am also an anxious driver, and the make/model was perfect for me.
On a practical level it had really helped. I was a bit taken aback when it was given to me, but there were no control issues or strings attached.
10 years later, I still had the car and it was pristine.
I met someone who absolutely love bombed me. And a few weeks into the relationship he told me he couldn’t continue with me unless I sold the car.
I did not want to sell the car. It was immaculate, very low mileage and I knew if I sold it what I bought with the money would not be it’s equal in any way.
He went on and on and on until I sold the car.
And then of course a few weeks later we split up anyway.
The painting is not the issue. The fact that he’s living in your home is more the problem.
Keep the painting. You can never replace it.

OP and partner have been together for three years, not “a few weeks”. Also she says he’s not jealous or controlling. I think you’re projecting your ex-relationship onto hers.

Shitlord · 07/12/2024 16:17

Please don't get rid of the painting. It's not a detailed nude self portrait, it's a bird. You love it. Your ex is an art dealer. Naturally he gave you a painting. If he was a plumber your your partner insist that you replaced the boiler that your ex installed? If your partner doesn't appreciate art then he's only seeing it as a gift but you're seeing it as a thing of beauty in itself. I would attempt to explain that, and maybe compromise by, as you say, displaying it somewhere not too in his face auch as over the bed, but it isn't a love token to you now. It's a painting. Could he feel shut out of the shared art knowledge you and your ex had? Maybe you could invite him to get to know a bit more of that side of your world, some gallery trips etc?

If he insists then I would be thinking carefully about him. I have some beautiful antique art glass bought by an ex. No hard feelings but I don't associate it with him anymore. I love it for what it is and absolutely wouldn't be getting rid. It's on the sideboard. My DP knows it was a gift but doesn't seem it as a threat in any way, just that I love art and antiques.

LatteLady · 07/12/2024 16:19

Sorry @BeLimeTiger but he would go before the painting. It is to put it bluntly, your baggage and if he cannot cope with a painting, how long before he starts to trawl the minutiae of your other previous relationships. I have bibs and bobs from old boyfriends and I have no intention of getting rid of my past because someone else does not like it. If he is that small minded, he gets thrown back.

SuperfluousHen · 07/12/2024 16:23

WeArentInKansas · 07/12/2024 16:12

OP says he’s not jealous or controlling but he just feels a bit uncomfortable with this painting. Surely moving it to accommodate his discomfort isn’t too big an ask. I would.

But it is controlling. It is controlling to object to a painting solely because of an ex-bf connnection. That's the problem. he should be grown up enough to regulate emotions about a past relationship and a tangential connection to a painting. It's very odd. Like I said, bet if it was a ferrari he would have zero problem.

Well people are odd- we aren’t all perfect and we feel uncomfortable about different things for different reasons.

I’m not saying she should get rid of it, just try to cut him a little slack and move it out of his face. She’s said he’s not arty in any way - but she is and clearly that was an aspect of her life she shared with her ex.

Who knows, but if, as she says, he’s not jealous or controlling and this is a one-off I’d go the extra mile for him, if I thought it would help him feel better in what is effectively his home.

Lostcards · 07/12/2024 16:27

My DH of twenty years has two painted pictures of his ex wife on the walls of the house I moved into (when his kids lived at home). They were done by a well known artist she modelled for and prints were made of them. her face doesn’t show in either so I wasn’t aware for a long time it was her and I actually like them.

I still wear jewellery my ex bought me too.

id probably move it to the spare room if it caused that much trouble but he’s with you now and imo it’s childish.

Original poster
BeLimeTiger · 07/12/2024 16:53

BobbyBiscuits · 07/12/2024 15:16

Tell him very firmly that this is your house and you can decorate it as you like.
If he genuinely thinks you are harbouring feelings for your ex, well that sounds deeply bizarre based on a painting alone. It's a big red flag.
I bet you wish you'd just said, yeah it's a nice painting, can't remember where I got it...
Is he paying his way? I don't like the way he sounds like he's encroaching on controlling.

I wish I’d just said that! I’ve not told him about anything else in the house I’ve bought with exes or have been gifted to me. Anything I’ve kept over the years is because I love them as objects, not because of who gave them to me.

OP posts:
Original poster
BeLimeTiger · 07/12/2024 16:55

Lostcards · 07/12/2024 16:27

My DH of twenty years has two painted pictures of his ex wife on the walls of the house I moved into (when his kids lived at home). They were done by a well known artist she modelled for and prints were made of them. her face doesn’t show in either so I wasn’t aware for a long time it was her and I actually like them.

I still wear jewellery my ex bought me too.

id probably move it to the spare room if it caused that much trouble but he’s with you now and imo it’s childish.

If I take it down it will have to be wrapped up and stored somewhere. His children have the spare room in my house so it’s decorated with photos of them and football related stuff.

OP posts:
BobbyBiscuits · 07/12/2024 16:56

@BeLimeTiger but you shouldn't have to be on tiptoes about weird jealous things like that. He sounds very insecure. I don't think you deserve that. X

Alconleigh · 07/12/2024 16:58

There's a massive painting on our living room wall given to me by an ex. And a gorgeous vase on the bookshelf given to me by a different ex when we moved in together. My partner has no problem with either. I'd be surprised like you if he did. I'm with the majority of the posters; big old red flags here.

gannett · 07/12/2024 17:02

SuperfluousHen · 07/12/2024 16:01

Well, do you love him more than the painting?

You say he’s not jealous or controlling but for some reason this painting makes him uncomfortable. In what is now effectively his living room.

So even though you can’t understand him couldn’t you try to meet him halfway?

Move the painting to the spare room and choose something nice together for your shared living space?

"For some reason" is doing pretty heavy lifting here!

The "some reason" is jealousy, and territorial hackles going up at the thought of OP having previously been with another man. It's irrational and personally it's not a trait I want in a partner. I'd be happy to talk his feelings through, unpack where they came from (that'd be insecurity and social conditioning) but I wouldn't be taking the painting down.

Original poster
BeLimeTiger · 07/12/2024 17:05

BobbyBiscuits · 07/12/2024 16:56

@BeLimeTiger but you shouldn't have to be on tiptoes about weird jealous things like that. He sounds very insecure. I don't think you deserve that. X

I’ve just got a horrible feeling. On one hand it’s a bloody painting and it can be taken down for the sake of my relationship. On the other hand it’s something that belongs to me and has been hanging in MY house for years. Part of me just can’t be arsed with the filling/sanding/painting over where it was (it’s quite big). Am I going to see the blank space on my wall and feel resentful? Is there a bit of male entitlement going on here?

OP posts:
SidhuVicious · 07/12/2024 17:08

I think he's being a bit OTT. It's presumably the piece of art that you like, not the sentimental value of it being from your ex.

goody2shooz · 07/12/2024 17:09

@BeLimeTiger is there entitlement?? Oh HELL YES! Pages and pages of people telling you he’s got no business sulking cos you didn’t whip it off the wall immediately. I your house. That he moved into. Next thing he’ll be wanting on the deeds…and sulking if you say no. They say you see the real man when you say no. Maybe try it? After all you can always reverse it - you want to ruin our relationship over a painting in my house?!

OhshitSharon · 07/12/2024 17:09

BeLimeTiger · 07/12/2024 16:55

If I take it down it will have to be wrapped up and stored somewhere. His children have the spare room in my house so it’s decorated with photos of them and football related stuff.

Show quote history

So you've been generous enough to make room for him and his children in your home and he's still trying to push for more accommodations and more control. That's really not good OP and would have me reconsidering the whole arrangement in your shoes.

NotbloodyGivingupYet · 07/12/2024 17:09

Is there a bit of male entitlement going on
Yes OP. Yes there is. Listen to your gut.

MadnessIsMyMiddleName · 07/12/2024 17:14

EVHead · 07/12/2024 13:43

Keep the painting, get rid of the bloke.

This! Take this as a warning OP, it's only going to get worse! It's emotional blackmail AND controlling. Tell him that if that's his stance, then yes, you do prefer the painting to a controlling partner.

RubicsPuzzle · 07/12/2024 17:15

5128gap · 07/12/2024 13:58

You need to deal with this firmly and assertively. Because he's either sensitive to a point he'll be hard to live with, or is engaging in power play. Neither can be pandered to or you'll not be able to call your life your own. Tell him no and that's your final word, you won't change your mind, so if its a deal breaker he needs to leave rather than stay around trying to force you to change your mind with silent treatment. Tell him to have a think and if he's staying that's the end of the matter. It seems harsh, but you have to nip this in the bud, short and sharp.

Totally agree. I don’t think you need to ditch him just yet but it needs nipping in the bud. My DH tried similar about me going out for a meal with friends without running it past him first - WTF! I told him not to ever try to be so controlling again or that would be us over. In my DH case, he was horrendously abused by his parents so he had not little kinks that he needed to iron out but he always took responsibility for them and duly ironed them out!

It is also hard to move into someone else’s home and make it a joint home. Has any of his things have prominence in the house or has everything stayed the same as before he moved in?

Discombobble · 07/12/2024 17:22

So you’ve been together for 3 years and he’s now moved into your house and started to tell you what you can keep on display! Sounds like he’s got comfortable and thinks he can start moulding you to his satisfaction