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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

He says I love a painting more than him

339 replies

BeLimeTiger · 07/12/2024 13:28

I have a painting in my living room that was a gift from my ex who was an art collector. I didn’t make a secret of where it came from when he asked me a couple of years back. It’s of a bird, so not a sexy nude or a scene from a place we went together. I agreed that we wouldn’t have it in a prominent place if we bought a house together (I was thinking maybe in a spare room). He said last night that it feels really uncomfortable about it (he now lives in my house) and compared it to him having a picture of his ex on the wall. I love it as a piece of art and don’t think of my ex when I look at it. I could sell it but the stubborn part of me wonders why I should get rid of something I love to make someone else happy. We’ve been together for over 3 years and my experience of him is that he’s not jealous or controlling.

I felt completely blindsided by him suddenly bringing it up last night and he took my reluctance to agree to take it down as a sign that I love the painting more than him.

YABU- sell the painting. Your DP feels uncomfortable about it being in the house
YANBU- sell it when you buy somewhere together

OP posts:
JoBrandsCleaner · 09/12/2024 16:18

But he is jealous and trying to be controlling.
And he’s immature and a bit pathetic.

Cariadm · 09/12/2024 16:44

Treesandsheepeverywhere · 08/12/2024 21:54

Does the painting mean more to you than your DP's discomfort?

Like others have said, it's difficult to move into a house that's not jointly owned.

More so as you bought it with your ex.

The fact that you're questioning it so much shows there's something not quite right with the relationship.

You say he normally isn't controlling, so it must mean a lot to him to bring it up.

'Discomfort'...Seriously, it's a painting, an object that has been in his sight for all the time he and the OP have been in the relationship and NOW he decides that it upsets his sensibilities?! 🙄
'The fact that you're questioning it so much shows there's something not quite right with the relationship'...You're right there but not in the way that you think! The something 'not quite right' is the immature, unreasonable and petulant attitude of her DP regarding the painting after all the time they have been together! 😮
'it must mean a lot to him to bring it up'...Something has triggered his need to 'control the narrative' and this is what he has chosen to begin with, if the OP capitulates to this ridiculous request it is just the start and will spur him on to more irrationality under the premise that it's 'because he loves her so much'...'supposition' I hear you say but this looks very much like the beginning of textbook 'gaslighting' and I think the OP knows this already...😥

Diddlyumptious · 09/12/2024 17:53

Sounds a tad controlling. My DH is this and I'm tryig to break free. Beware. Good luck. Keep the painting for sure!

mewkins · 09/12/2024 18:33

Cariadm · 09/12/2024 16:44

'Discomfort'...Seriously, it's a painting, an object that has been in his sight for all the time he and the OP have been in the relationship and NOW he decides that it upsets his sensibilities?! 🙄
'The fact that you're questioning it so much shows there's something not quite right with the relationship'...You're right there but not in the way that you think! The something 'not quite right' is the immature, unreasonable and petulant attitude of her DP regarding the painting after all the time they have been together! 😮
'it must mean a lot to him to bring it up'...Something has triggered his need to 'control the narrative' and this is what he has chosen to begin with, if the OP capitulates to this ridiculous request it is just the start and will spur him on to more irrationality under the premise that it's 'because he loves her so much'...'supposition' I hear you say but this looks very much like the beginning of textbook 'gaslighting' and I think the OP knows this already...😥

Show quote history

I agree. Also though this isn't the first time he has tried to take control. Firstly he tried by telling OP that he couldn't possibly move into OP's house that she originally bought with an ex. Then when he realised he was getting nowhere with that line of argument, he agreed to move in and commandeered a couple of rooms for him and his children. Now he's trying something new - the painting which I'm assuming he's known about for years but has suddenly become an issue. I bet if OP said 'OK, well you might have to move out then', he'd soon drop it. He's pushing at the door seeing how much control he can take over OP and her house and probably family.

venus7 · 09/12/2024 19:28

BeLimeTiger · 07/12/2024 13:43

Thank you for your replies. I’m quite an arty person and he’s not (think a photo of a banksy printed on a canvas). I’d be upset about having to get rid of any of my paintings or prints as they’re all really special to me. He’s barely spoken to me today so i really think that’s how he feels

I'd find someone who thought a photo of a Banksy to be art to be rather unattractive too, if I'm honest.

DemonicCaveMaggot · 09/12/2024 19:36

I wouldn't like 'do this or you don't love me' or the cold and silent treatment whatever the upset behind it.

You won't get anything like the true value of the painting if you do sell it, which is another point against selling it.

Nikki75 · 09/12/2024 19:36

Bigcat25 · 09/12/2024 14:01

That's a rather different scenario, and totally insane on his part.

Show quote history

@BlueFlowers5... This is unbelievable .
Can I ask how was your relationship with him did other areas of your life become controlled.
I'm glad he is your ex that's another level x

Original poster
BeLimeTiger · 09/12/2024 20:38

I’ve been working really long hours the last couple of days but all caught up now! Knowing he’s uncomfortable with the painting has sort of spoilt my enjoyment of it a bit. If he didn’t have the office and his DCs didn’t have the spare room I’d probably hang it in one of those spaces… that would seem a fair compromise. I’m not going to sell it or stuff it under a bed because I like it and art is meant to be enjoyed and this particular piece has been hanging on my wall for years. I didn’t even live with the person who bought me the painting and I’ve chosen to live with my DP because I see a long term future together.

OP posts:
MadnessIsMyMiddleName · 09/12/2024 20:52

If you didn't even live with the person, then your current partner is being even more ridiculous than I previously thought!!

I really hope that you decide to assert yourself over this OP. I understand that you want this relationship to work, but telling you to get rid of a piece of art, and making such a fuss about it, is completely out of order, and VERY controlling! You may not want to hear that, but it's true, and if you stick with him, and do as he wants you to do, how long will it be, before he wants to change something else about YOUR home, or YOU, or YOUR friends or family? Please DON'T fall into this trap, as it can be so subtle that you don't realise what is happening, and then one day you realise that he now controls every area of your life, and you no longer make decisions for yourself, without checking what he thinks first. Often by the time you reach this point, you've lost so much confidence in yourself, and your decisions, that you don't know how to get out of the situation. That's when you'll be back to MN asking for help again. You have been warned!

DoYouReally · 09/12/2024 20:54

The red flags are there. You are choosing to ignore them.

MissScarletInTheBallroom · 09/12/2024 20:59

BeLimeTiger · 09/12/2024 20:38

I’ve been working really long hours the last couple of days but all caught up now! Knowing he’s uncomfortable with the painting has sort of spoilt my enjoyment of it a bit. If he didn’t have the office and his DCs didn’t have the spare room I’d probably hang it in one of those spaces… that would seem a fair compromise. I’m not going to sell it or stuff it under a bed because I like it and art is meant to be enjoyed and this particular piece has been hanging on my wall for years. I didn’t even live with the person who bought me the painting and I’ve chosen to live with my DP because I see a long term future together.

Read that back to yourself.

You've given him the exclusive use of two whole rooms in YOUR house (not including your bedroom which you share with him) and he's begrudging you space on the wall in YOUR house to hang YOUR painting.

HuckleberryBlackcurrant · 09/12/2024 21:01

Ask him why he is jealous of a picture of a bird

Alalalala · 09/12/2024 21:11

OP this really doesn’t bode well. Don’t be subservient and useful to this man and his child to your own detriment.

You should love the art all the more because it can remind you that you stood your ground.

TheCanaryInThePurpleSkirt · 09/12/2024 21:32

Oh dear. You have seen the red flags, fear that something is amiss, sought advice and are now ignoring it. You now feel the picture you have enjoyed for many years has lost something for you. Which was the desired outcome, all along.

You will need to learn the hard way. You will be diminished in this relationship, over time. Your self esteem will evaporate.

Meltdown247 · 09/12/2024 21:58

BeLimeTiger · 09/12/2024 20:38

I’ve been working really long hours the last couple of days but all caught up now! Knowing he’s uncomfortable with the painting has sort of spoilt my enjoyment of it a bit. If he didn’t have the office and his DCs didn’t have the spare room I’d probably hang it in one of those spaces… that would seem a fair compromise. I’m not going to sell it or stuff it under a bed because I like it and art is meant to be enjoyed and this particular piece has been hanging on my wall for years. I didn’t even live with the person who bought me the painting and I’ve chosen to live with my DP because I see a long term future together.

Wow! Drip feed?
This is worse. He is pushing you through negative behaviour to manipulate you to do what he wants. How you don’t have the ick already is beyond me. This is just the start. Good luck OP.

Horses7 · 09/12/2024 23:50

🚩🚩🚩🚩

Whitste1 · 10/12/2024 06:56

BeLimeTiger · 09/12/2024 20:38

I’ve been working really long hours the last couple of days but all caught up now! Knowing he’s uncomfortable with the painting has sort of spoilt my enjoyment of it a bit. If he didn’t have the office and his DCs didn’t have the spare room I’d probably hang it in one of those spaces… that would seem a fair compromise. I’m not going to sell it or stuff it under a bed because I like it and art is meant to be enjoyed and this particular piece has been hanging on my wall for years. I didn’t even live with the person who bought me the painting and I’ve chosen to live with my DP because I see a long term future together.

OP you didn't really explain as to where this piece of art is going to end up? You said "to be enjoyed", but by whom? And because he's pissed off about it, you've decided it no longer brings you fulfilment as that falls in line with his (mental) narrative.

Fuck me, are you going to tell us next he's asking you to wear mini skirts, have bouffant hair and a smokey eye around the house so you're going to turn to MN for advice but do it anyway?!

Be careful, OP, he's got his way on this, and this sort of shit creeps in more and more when they've made a route in and indeed comfortable!

Isthisit22 · 10/12/2024 07:01

Tread carefully here OP. Lots of red flags. Does he pay his fair share? Is your house protected?
He seems very entitled.

Olive567 · 10/12/2024 09:17

If the original indignation and anger you felt at his comments has now ebbed away - that's understand in the cold light of day when you consider how your lives are now intertwined. However, these emotions are your truth and where your power resides. Carry on stamping them out and that's the way of depression and regrets etc - all to keep the peace and comfort of your life now. Not worth it OP. Listen hard to those troublesome gut feelings and don't ignore. One precious life etc.

Mrsgreen100 · 10/12/2024 17:39

Oh dear !
hope you are getting him to pay u rent , his office his childs room !
this is a worry be very careful OP its your home you own it , your rules
controlling behaviour from a manchild red flag in my book. Don’t dump him if you wanna keep him do but get your boundaries in order. It’s your house your rules goodness knows I hope he’s actually paying rent not just
contributions and paying half of bill et cetera is not the way forward get him to pay rent even if it’s a small amount this is the beginning of a slippery slope. I’ve been where you’re at.
and it didn't end well

Bigdawny1 · 14/12/2024 19:31

Bin him …. Gut x

OhcantthInkofaname · 14/12/2024 20:36

Even after many of us asked about his financial contributions to the household you haven't answered. I see a lot of red flags in your non answer.

Loweliffe · 15/12/2024 05:35

If it's a gift from an ex, it's always going to make current partner think of them. Can you not separate yourself from the painting? Why is it so important to you? A loved ones feelings is more important than an exes painting i.m.o

TrishM80 · 15/12/2024 05:49

I doubt there's one woman on this thread who'd be happy about their partner having little keepsakes of their exes dotted around the house!

Noshitsherlocks · 15/12/2024 07:14

Okay I am going against the grain here.

Put the painting away.

he’s being a bit of a knob but we are all human right? flawed, stupid, jealous.

if he gets pissy again then really think about what type of life you want.