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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

He says I love a painting more than him

339 replies

BeLimeTiger · 07/12/2024 13:28

I have a painting in my living room that was a gift from my ex who was an art collector. I didn’t make a secret of where it came from when he asked me a couple of years back. It’s of a bird, so not a sexy nude or a scene from a place we went together. I agreed that we wouldn’t have it in a prominent place if we bought a house together (I was thinking maybe in a spare room). He said last night that it feels really uncomfortable about it (he now lives in my house) and compared it to him having a picture of his ex on the wall. I love it as a piece of art and don’t think of my ex when I look at it. I could sell it but the stubborn part of me wonders why I should get rid of something I love to make someone else happy. We’ve been together for over 3 years and my experience of him is that he’s not jealous or controlling.

I felt completely blindsided by him suddenly bringing it up last night and he took my reluctance to agree to take it down as a sign that I love the painting more than him.

YABU- sell the painting. Your DP feels uncomfortable about it being in the house
YANBU- sell it when you buy somewhere together

OP posts:
Bigcat25 · 08/12/2024 03:27

I do know someone who moved in to the home her know long time spouse had bought with his ex and she had a very hard time with it. It was a mistake and they ended up moving. Their relationship was very much not. Considering the size of the painting, I can see how it might be a kind of an overbearing/oppressive reminder of your ex's taste. It's not like a chair or a sofa that blends into the background, it's more personal.

Commonsense22 · 08/12/2024 03:34

BeLimeTiger · 07/12/2024 13:48

The thing is, I think that he probably would!

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I'll go against the grain here. I understand your dh and yes, would get rid of presents by exes. You say he would do the same and I'm sure he would.

It's a sacrifice to make but honestly if you love him, I'd put him first.

KickAssAngel · 08/12/2024 04:41

There's no man so much in love as one that needs a home.

I'm sorry, but this just sounds worse and worse. I'm sure there's romance in there somewhere, but he's moved into your house, and is gradually taking over the space and sulking when he doesn't get what he wants. It's easy to be charming when he hears yes. Now you're finding it how he behaves when you say no. Stand firm on the painting.

Is he making a fair contribution to the household finances? Housework? Still being affectionate now he's got a roof over his head?

Toomuch2019 · 08/12/2024 08:33

Another vote for keeping the painting. But I'm biased as I have a painting that I love more than any other possession and would never get rid of it!

rayofsunshine86 · 08/12/2024 08:37

Boy oh boy, why are people so insecure??

Keep the painting. Hang it above your bed somewhere neutral.

Calmhappyandhealthy · 08/12/2024 08:39

but honestly if you love him, I'd put him first

And so it begins......easing gently but steadily into the life of the controlled and the coerced

mewkins · 08/12/2024 09:13

BeLimeTiger · 07/12/2024 17:05

I’ve just got a horrible feeling. On one hand it’s a bloody painting and it can be taken down for the sake of my relationship. On the other hand it’s something that belongs to me and has been hanging in MY house for years. Part of me just can’t be arsed with the filling/sanding/painting over where it was (it’s quite big). Am I going to see the blank space on my wall and feel resentful? Is there a bit of male entitlement going on here?

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Yes I think this is partly 'I'm a man and I can't have things associated with another man in my house'....and also something about him feeling like he's moved into your house and possibly feeling emasculated by this. What's the situation? Did he sell his house to move in with you?

BIossomtoes · 08/12/2024 09:56

mewkins · 08/12/2024 09:13

Yes I think this is partly 'I'm a man and I can't have things associated with another man in my house'....and also something about him feeling like he's moved into your house and possibly feeling emasculated by this. What's the situation? Did he sell his house to move in with you?

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No, he lived in a rented flat so he’s saving a shedload of money by living in OP’s owned outright house. As a pp said There's no man so much in love as one that needs a home.. Now he’s got his feet under the table he’s starting to make demands. I’d be throwing this one back.

mewkins · 08/12/2024 10:06

BIossomtoes · 08/12/2024 09:56

No, he lived in a rented flat so he’s saving a shedload of money by living in OP’s owned outright house. As a pp said There's no man so much in love as one that needs a home.. Now he’s got his feet under the table he’s starting to make demands. I’d be throwing this one back.

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Me too. Moves in, thinks he owns the place.

GinForBreakfast · 08/12/2024 10:10

Ridiculous, utterly ridiculous. I think it's a very good idea for him to move out until he gets over himself.

I notice he can cope with living in a house that you shared with your ex, but is getting his knickers in a twist about a painting. What a loser.

Pompeyssy · 08/12/2024 10:37

Truest words....no man as in love as one that wants to move into your home, even more so when they have children to house🙄.
Of course it made sense🙄
He gets to house his child, and office for what? half a few bills...

Never fails to amaze me how many desperate women there are out there.

He's housed, his child is housed, he has an office and he still isn't happy.

Controlling, manipulative loser that is using you and your home.

Sulker as well🙄what a non prize.
Bet there are women queuing up for him.

Help him pack as things are clearly not working. See how he likes that.
Bet he back tracks, plays victim.
He won't want to lose his free housing.

pinkdelight · 08/12/2024 10:46

PP makes a very good point. He has actual children who are living breathing evidence of his past relationship. And he's got the hump about a painting???

Looking at the bigger picture (no pun intended), you've massively accommodated him already, so it's pathetic for him to invoke the 'if you really loved me' line about this non-issue. You've already prioritised him in housing him and his DC and yet he still needs to mark his territory like this and throw a strop when he doesn't get his own way immediately. It's deeply unattractive.

Sampler · 08/12/2024 10:47

If you sold the painting I would bet a lot of money on it not stopping there. I think you’ve accommodated him very well so far and the picture is His issue, not yours.
My ex’s house was covered in art work from his marriage and it never occurred to me for one minute to suggest getting rid of anything ! I think he’s coming across as rude and entitled and not very bright.

pinkdelight · 08/12/2024 10:49

Commonsense22 · 08/12/2024 03:34

I'll go against the grain here. I understand your dh and yes, would get rid of presents by exes. You say he would do the same and I'm sure he would.

It's a sacrifice to make but honestly if you love him, I'd put him first.

Show quote history

It's not her DH I don't think? And very easy for him to say he'd do the same when he doesn't have to do anything. She's the one whose giving the most already and he's the one getting the most. She needn't sacrifice any more just to pass his pathetic test.

Treeof · 08/12/2024 10:51

Your DH is being pathetic. My DH’s ex also did art as a hobby - never met her, she pre dated me by a few years and lives in another part of the country. They split amicably but are no longer in touch. We have a couple of her landscape paintings up the house. I don’t understand why I should have an issue with it?

WingingItFTM · 08/12/2024 17:30

TomatoSandwiches · 07/12/2024 13:33

I wouldn't get rid of it at all, this is his problem to get over.

👆 this!

Grammarnut · 08/12/2024 17:32

His problem. You are with him, not the ex. And if it's a good picture - you say ex was an art collector so it's an original by someone known? - I'd put it in the living room (and get it insured - do you know if it's valuable?).

Sisterwinter1969 · 08/12/2024 17:32

Ask yourself how you would feel if it was the other way around.

Iceboy80 · 08/12/2024 17:33

If it was a photo of you and your ex then that would be a definite get rid of it but just a picture of a bird your ex happened to buy, what about the couch, fridge or kitchen he may have contributed to also would he want you to get rid of that also?

Grammarnut · 08/12/2024 17:38

Sisterwinter1969 · 08/12/2024 17:32

Ask yourself how you would feel if it was the other way around.

It wouldn't bother me. If one is going to be unhappy about anything to do with an ex then clothes, furniture, children, all must go on the scrapheap.
My late DH had pictures painted by his third wife (I was his fourth) and though they were not on the walls (her work, after all) they were around in folders in our art room (we both painted) and nor would I either destroy them or throw them away. Ditto pictures of his DC with his second wife. DS with first wife is now my DSS and treats me with the greatest kindness e.g. built a pergola for me when we took down his DF's man cave (of no use to me), arranged laying of a patio, fixed things in house etc. Also worked with my DD to arrange my DH's funeral, of course.

LaughingCat · 08/12/2024 17:39

One of my exes comes to our gaming nights and my DH is friendly with a couple of others when we see them. If I had to throw away everything an ex had given me, The past is the past - you are being perfectly reasonable OP, and I wouldn’t get rid of the painting at all.

Grammarnut · 08/12/2024 17:40

pinkdelight · 08/12/2024 10:46

PP makes a very good point. He has actual children who are living breathing evidence of his past relationship. And he's got the hump about a painting???

Looking at the bigger picture (no pun intended), you've massively accommodated him already, so it's pathetic for him to invoke the 'if you really loved me' line about this non-issue. You've already prioritised him in housing him and his DC and yet he still needs to mark his territory like this and throw a strop when he doesn't get his own way immediately. It's deeply unattractive.

Sounds like OP should ditch the new DP rather than the picture!

Facescar77 · 08/12/2024 17:42

I voted you're not unreasonable but I don't think you should get rid of it at all. Take it down if it means that much to him but he is being over dramatic! It's not like your ex painted it!

Judecb · 08/12/2024 17:46

You will regret selling it and always resent him for it. Can you ask a friend to store it for a while and let the dust settle?

J3001 · 08/12/2024 17:46

Get rid of him