He says I love a painting more than him

[BeLimeTiger]

I have a painting in my living room that was a gift from my ex who was an art collector. I didn’t make a secret of where it came from when he asked me a couple of years back. It’s of a bird, so not a sexy nude or a scene from a place we went together. I agreed that we wouldn’t have it in a prominent place if we bought a house together (I was thinking maybe in a spare room). He said last night that it feels really uncomfortable about it (he now lives in my house) and compared it to him having a picture of his ex on the wall. I love it as a piece of art and don’t think of my ex when I look at it. I could sell it but the stubborn part of me wonders why I should get rid of something I love to make someone else happy. We’ve been together for over 3 years and my experience of him is that he’s not jealous or controlling.

I felt completely blindsided by him suddenly bringing it up last night and he took my reluctance to agree to take it down as a sign that I love the painting more than him.

YABU- sell the painting. Your DP feels uncomfortable about it being in the house
YANBU- sell it when you buy somewhere together

This is unacceptable.
A piece of art that's yours, can be where ever you please in your house. Its provenance is irelevant.

if say, he watched football with his previous partner, would he find it reasonable for you to say, "I'm not comfortable for you to continue doing so?
If he doesn't like it, he can move out, with his children and study contents.

I think he needs telling that he’s projecting his insecurity about your ex onto a decorative item in your home. I could understand if your ex had painted a sizzling nude of you but it’s not even like your ex painted it! Does he not think about how ridiculous it is that you’ve accepted his children from a past relationship and he can’t accept a simple picture?!

Just read the bit about his child living there, he has the study. So, he has the living breathing product of an ex walking about your home and he’s calling you out on a PAINTING?!

OP, that’s f*k*g priceless 🤣 As is, quite possibly, the painting. Get the thing insured and well lit, at the very least 🤦‍♀️

Punishing you with the Big Silence is bullying, plain and simple. Your house, your rules and your choices. Take care he doesn't damage your painting before you show him the door.

How can we vote? How do you expect us to vote when NEITHER are appropriate options. Don't sell the painting AT ALL, in your home or a joint home - keep it and get rid of him.

His children have the spare room in my house so it’s decorated with photos of them and football related stuff.

Christ! He's a fucking cocklodger, and ordering you about while you took him AND his children on! You're a mug! Throw the cocklodging ungrateful sergeant major out in the gutter.

You can't be for real. No one is this much of a doormat. This is embarrassing. He's an arsehole.

He said initially he didn’t want to live in this house because I’d bought it with an ex

Draws breath in... wow, he really has a serious problem with you having exes, doesn't he? He is very controlling. Keep YOUR house and throw him out, wake up for goodness sake.

Why sell it at all? Your DP sounds like a bit of a dick to be honest ...

For context, sitting in my house right now is a cutlery set that was a wedding gift given to my DH and his ex wife when they got married. I'm about to get it out to polish it up as we use it every Christmas. Why? Because I'm a fucking grown adult who isn't threatened by inanimate objects.

So let me get this right .... He is happy to have his children living in your home, so I presume (if he's a decent man and father) that he is very much tied to his ex wife. So you have clearly embraced the fact that he has had a past.

But you can't have a painting from an ex ( I presume you no longer see) hanging on your wall in your home, that you have very kindly let him and his children move into and share. Because he can't accept you have a past?

And he's sulking like a child.

This is very worrying behaviour.

This is the level of petty I aspire to be. 😂

I would say it's a pivotal point.

An ex made me send my son's baby photo album to a friend because he 'didnt like the idea that (I'd) had sex with another man'.

It starts here OP.

Excellent advice but after she has done that he still behaves like the petulant 6 year old stamping his feet in the playground then it's not just the painting 'on the wall' and the OP needs to run for the hills!! 🙄😱

I can't help but wonder if he told you that it was because he loved you so much? Very strange though that only the baby photos upset him and not your actual son?! 🙄

He sounds insecure tell him to build a bridge and walk over it put the painting back up don't let anyone tell you what you can and can't have in YOIR own house

BUT he decided he'd move in anyway BECAUSE it's far cheaper than renting a flat on top of paying child maintenance etc! Plus, gets an office as well a kids bedroom thrown in for good measure and now he's telling you what you can and can't have in YOUR OWN HOUSE!

He hates the fact you once mixed in highbrow circles with your art loving ex who probably provided stimulating conversations, so that makes him feel insecure and now he's not talking to you because you refuse to adhere to his wishes

This whole situation makes my blood boil because these types go on to take half your property if you haven't got all the legalities watertight, especially if you married the joker. Let me guess though, he'd challenge this because then that'd mean you didn't trust him, right? Wow, wow, wow.....!

Absolutely this.

@BeLimeTiger Make sure your house remains yours. Ideally don't marry him, and if you do buy a place with him in future make sure your contribution is ringfenced.

I wouldn't sell it at all. He's in YOUR house? What an insecure and controlling tosser.

I agree, keep the painting, get rid of the boyfriend asap!

I think it would be different if the ex had painted it maybe? In this case I think he should get over it.

@Whitste1 Has put it quite succinctly…

“…He hates the fact you once mixed in highbrow circles with your art loving ex who probably provided stimulating conversations, so that makes him feel insecure and now he's not talking to you because you refuse to adhere to his wishes…”

A short time into my second marriage, we had a row and I was threatened with divorce (for the umpteenth time) because “You’re always looking at Rightmove”! I was. a) because I’m a nosy mare and b) because I was tired of his daughter telling me, when an inebriated 15yr old that “This house isn’t my home with “Her” and her precious son here”. It was always my ExH and my plan (in those lovely pre-marriage days) to club together and buy “our” home where we could ALL be happy and welcome and blended. Never happened. He told me I was “ungrateful”. That the home he’d provided was clearly not good enough. WTF 🤦‍♀️

@BeLimeTiger Sharpen those mother tiger claws. You and yours are in danger here! 🚩 🚩🚩

I removed the Rightmove app from my iPad and begged him not to divorce me. And afraid of a second divorce and rending my son and I effectively homeless (I’d put every penny of my former house sale into his/our home when I moved in) told him I was sorry; that I loved our home together; loved him. What I ought to have said:- stop being an insecure person and fuck telling me what I can read/look at/do. It took me YEARS to say reluctantly, “here’s your DIVORCE”.

This is just the beginning. Run, metaphorically speaking. He needs to leave.

@BeLimeTiger

I am giving the detail of my own experience because my exH was a good man and stepdad He could be a loving husband but… deep down he was a scared and insecure man who had emotions he couldn’t deal with. The control starts small and grows from there.

Don’t marry this man. Keep your own home. Live with him if you love him. Marry him? Buy a house with him? No! The painting will be in the loft and it’ll be “something else” he’ll strop about.

Does he want you to erase all memories of your past from your mind that doesn't involve him too.
Don't sell at all he doesn't understand art.
If he can't accept gifts bought for you from a person that is now in your past then I would see this as a red flag childish and insecure .
We accept each others pasts with security in grown up mature relationships.
Keep being you always that includes keeping your painting xx

Put it up for sale, tell him to buy from you & then gift it back to you, problem solved! it's no longer a present from your ex.
Seriously though, ask him why it bothers him so much. I'm sure you have a lot of presents from others he's not bothered about so why is this painting such an issue for him. What ever you do do not get rid of it as this will set a precedence for future irks he may have.

⬆️ THIS.

May I ask a question @BeLimeTiger ? Does this man have any past adult romantic relationships where he’s moved on amicably and in adult fashion? Or, does he employ a scorched earth, burning of bridges and wiping exes (who done him wrong) metaphorically off the face of the earth?

That's a rather different scenario, and totally insane on his part.