He says I love a painting more than him

[BeLimeTiger]

I have a painting in my living room that was a gift from my ex who was an art collector. I didn’t make a secret of where it came from when he asked me a couple of years back. It’s of a bird, so not a sexy nude or a scene from a place we went together. I agreed that we wouldn’t have it in a prominent place if we bought a house together (I was thinking maybe in a spare room). He said last night that it feels really uncomfortable about it (he now lives in my house) and compared it to him having a picture of his ex on the wall. I love it as a piece of art and don’t think of my ex when I look at it. I could sell it but the stubborn part of me wonders why I should get rid of something I love to make someone else happy. We’ve been together for over 3 years and my experience of him is that he’s not jealous or controlling.

I felt completely blindsided by him suddenly bringing it up last night and he took my reluctance to agree to take it down as a sign that I love the painting more than him.

YABU- sell the painting. Your DP feels uncomfortable about it being in the house
YANBU- sell it when you buy somewhere together

Absolutely do NOT get rid of it, you’ll regret it. Me and my ex partner bought a beautiful art deco mirror together when we moved in 10 years ago. We split after 18 months of living together and rather than sell it and split the money, he told me I should keep the mirror (because I adored it). I’ve had it in every house I’ve had since and I love it as an object - I feel completely neutral about the existence of my ex and don’t associate him with the mirror at all. When I met my now husband (6 years ago) I was upfront about where the mirror came from and he was totally cool because he is a grown up and recognises that loving an object (because it’s special, timeless, interesting, pretty etc) is not the same as holding onto feelings for an ex. To the extent that it currently hangs on a wall in our bedroom because he agrees that it’s stunning. It sounds like your partner has some deeper insecurities and retrospective jealousy about your ex. I would approach it firmly with him and say something like “this painting is really special to me as an individual and therefore I’m not willing to sell it. I want to reassure you that my love for this painting is entirely separate to any feelings I used to have for my ex partner. From what you’ve said so far it seems like you’re feeling threatened by me holding onto a gift from an ex - let’s talk about that more?”. Put the shoe on the other foot and ask him: if your ex girlfriend had bought you the new PlayStation and you really enjoyed playing on it, would it be reasonable for me to ask you to get rid of it just because your ex girlfriend bought it?

Whatever you do, don’t sell that painting - imagine if you split up later down the line and you gave an object you love so much away for a man who was threatened by a bird painting.

I wouldn’t get rid of any of my art to please anyone.

Get rid of him and keep the painting @BeLimeTiger

I know of a retired person had to take out a mortgage on the house she owned as he would have been made homeless after some years living in her house.

OMG is he 5! You love the painting more than me! 🤣

It’s definitely HIS problem. I have a Mackenzie Thorpe from an ex. My OH doesn’t particularly like the picture but has no problem with me having it up or who it came from. It really screams insecurity and controlling tbh. I would not get rid of the pic - I think it’s destined to be with you longer than him! 😄 sorry but he’s showing you who he is.

Agree with this.

I didn’t vote because both options have you selling the painting, but you love it, and I think you will regret selling it. I also agree that this man is really spreading out in your house. Manspreading, if you will. Please be a bit wary of what he starts to control or to lay claim to.

My exH “disapproved” of me and my son, aged 10, looking at the wedding album of his dad (1st husband) and I getting married. We were only together 5 yrs and then first husband said he didn’t want the responsibility of being a dad/husband. Off he went.

Years went by and I married (I thought) an adult. He had 3 kids; was a great dad/stepdad. But… after the wedding the endless insecurity and emotional immaturity. He disapproved of Facebook. I came off it. He disapproved of my young son and I looking at old photos of me, my son and first exH. He disapproved of me talking to my son about the good times when me and his dad were together. God knows, there were very few of them, but who wants a ten year old to know that. He disapproved of me caring about an old flame from 32yrs before, whom I’d kept in contact with and who’d become quite ill. He disapproved. And threatened me endlessly with divorce. In the end he told me I had autonomy but had a tantrum worthy of a 5 yr old in a supermarket because my son’s dad would hug me when he came to collect his son for the weekend. Eventually, I’d say “I’ll be out with the dog when he comes/drops off”. I had NO FEELINGS for my exes. Not “like that”. I loved “the adult”.

In the end, I gave him the divorce he baited me with. It broke my heart.

OP, listen to me. This man has issues. He has come into your life and may stay. If he doesn’t, you may find one day, that the painting you gave up was the least of the things you regret.

And, that old wedding album? I hid it. For years, it was in the bottom of a bedding box in my son’s bedroom. I honestly (over 16yrs) had forgotten what I’d done with it. I relocated the bedding box to a different room and when taking everything out to make moving easier, there it was. My son, who’s now 24yrs old said “I remember this, you looked like a princess, mum. It’s hard to imagine you and dad were that happy once” 😊

I think that’s what’s the problem here. Your boyfriend doesn’t like to see you’ve been happy/once loved another man. It’s that simple.

I wouldn't sell it at all even if you buy a place together in the future. However I would take it down from where it is and put it in your spare room/office or into storage if you don't have a spare room/office.

I can understand how he feels tbh, but noone knows what the future holds so you shouldn't sell it just because he has asked you to.

Don't get rid of it. He needs to grow up.

But why should she hide it away? You reach maturity and chances are you have loved, collected memories and presumably if you’ve committed to someone else, it is because you are with/love THEM.

I admire people who can look at a relationship and despite the bad bits, can move forward and acknowledge that once (ONCE) you cared for them or even something they left behind.

I think this will be just the beginning for the OP, on this. It’s a painting. It’s been in her life for a long time and she loves it. And that’s the issue.

100 %

I’m amazed you’re even thinking about taking a much loved painting down - this sounds like his controlling behaviour. Plus doesn’t like your house because you lived in it with your ex years ago? Red flags alert!

Oh Lord!! He doesn’t like the house because you lived with your ex (loved an ex, at one time)!!!

So many red flags here. Please don’t sell your home. I did, after taking 4 years to fully commit. Six months later, the first “I want a divorce” threat came. Seriously, I spent years trying to be good enough/better so he wouldn’t leave me. What a waste of life time.

OP, move away from his nonsense. No matter how charming and together he appears, he is not in control of his emotional faculties.

You haven't seen signs of control believe me they are there and the silent treatment is part of the abuse Throw him out

'He’s barely spoken to me today'.... SERIOUSLY?! 😱
I'm sorry but when I hear about adult men behaving like this for no logical or rational reason I see big red flags out of the corner of my eye and a little not very nice 6 year old boy pouting and stamping his feet! 🙄
This is not the behaviour of a mature well balanced person and as others have mentioned is something that should be of concern, the fact that up to now you haven't thought of him as jealous or controlling is sadly not indicative of much other than you have felt the need to share this here and is obviously worrying you as it may not bode well for the future?
Tread carefully but do NOT be bullied and stand your ground as this is the test and could be just a glimpse of his true character...We all think 'it won't happen to me' or 'I would know when I am being gaslit' but sadly from the number of tragic stories and cries for help on MN about just that tells of a different reality! 😥

🤦‍♀️ My exH would offer hours/days/up to a week of the silent protest in place of adult dialogue. I’d be waiting, wringing my hands and emotionally distraught by the time he gave me absolution for my behaviour. I was frequently to be found parked on a road or on some car park, contemplating whether I should just drive home and throw myself on his mercy. To this day, I don’t fully understand what the f**k was going on with him. He’d talk to my son, the dog, the cat, the neighbour and then blank me. Make his food and eat in the spare room till I was a snot covered shadow of the fabulous lady I was, but fully contrite for my “whatever” I’d done.

He was wonderful when we married and I was anxious not to make a mistake. I couldn’t admit, I’d made a big mistake. OP you, may be very close to making a huge mistake. Keep your home. See him. Have a relationship but… don’t give up your independence. Seriously.

Totally agree with the above about silent treatment - I’d end it based on that alone. Absolutely juvenile, pathetic behaviour.

Does the painting mean more to you than your DP's discomfort?

Like others have said, it's difficult to move into a house that's not jointly owned.

More so as you bought it with your ex.

The fact that you're questioning it so much shows there's something not quite right with the relationship.

You say he normally isn't controlling, so it must mean a lot to him to bring it up.

It’s not about discomfort. It’s about control.
Silence is about punishment and control.
Control is about insecurity. A painting ought not to cause insecurity. It’s an object. He’s jealous of a “thing” because that thing was given by another man, to the OP. And she has kept it, displayed it and has an emotional attachment to it.

What precious thing does she abandon next because he is uncomfortable?

Tell him once clearly that you do not intend to get rid of it. You like the painting because you like the art. It is not loved because of who bought it. He then needs to get over it.

So many red flags. You acquired an emotional blackmailing bully. Get rid of him and his kids and claim back your space and your DC. This will only end badly and Incan almost read your future posts about how this fell apart and you never saw the signs, while half of us reading your post are appalled.

Tell him that if he wants to play the traditional dominant male, he needs to do it properly, buy you a house and pay all the bills.

@BeLimeTiger I’m not saying “get rid”. Presumably, you have an otherwise good and loving relationship with this man. That’s not to be discarded lightly.

My exH was a charming, clever and educated man. He is a good man still, I expect. However, when you are asked to do something because not doing it causes sulking and silence you WILL accommodate this and other things. When you choose not to the consequences for you may put you in a position where you keep things to and for yourself, rather than upset the man you love. Before you know it, you’re walking on eggshells and feeling unhappy.

If he’s capable of having a grown up conversation about this, without spitting the dummy (horrid phrase but appropriate), HAVE that conversation and then put it to bed and move on.

Only you know if you’re dealing with an adult male or a stroppy manchild.