Needy MIL moving to be near us

[ShelfoftheElf]

MIL is a pleasant enough woman, however she is in my opinion emotionally manipulative and overly reliant on DH. She is (touch wood) a healthy woman in her early sixties but will tell us a lot that she doesn't have long left to live. When challenged she acts oblivious and describes herself as elderly- despite the fact she's active with no diagnosed health issues.
She is widowed but has been for over 20 years.

She has two sons who she treats as pseudo partners. BIL moved to Scotland where SIL is from - the rest of us are in the south east. SIL told me she needed to get BIL away from MIL as their relationship was being damaged by MIL. DH and I live 30 miles from
MIL but out of the blue she has announced she is moving to within walking distance from us. DH doesn't really care and told her to do what she wants. She already has had an offer accepted on a bungalow less than five minutes walk from us. I have told him it will be suffocating and pointed things out like she won't know anyone apart from us, she wants to see us every day (her words), she actively dislikes our area as she says it's too rural so I'm not sure what she's thinking.

DH thinks I'm panicking over nothing. I had a chat with her to address some concerns and told her that I'm concerned she won't like the area, we don't have shops hospitals etc nearby, and that DH has misled her about the amount of time we can spend together and urged her to think things through. She agrees with me face to face then tells DH she is trying to move as quickly as possible. I try to be direct with her in the points I make as she is very thick skinned and either doesn't take a hint or doesn't realise if you're subtle. Even so she will just nod along and smile and then act like the conversation never happened.

I'm worried about her being so close and never being away from us to be honest. As I said DH doesn't really care either way and probably thinks I'm being dramatic and a bit mean. I can't tell someone where to live but I feel like she's moving here with completely unrealistic expectations from us and I want to asset some boundaries without having a falling out.

As the mother of sons it’s awful to read this thread. I hope their future partners are not so jealous to disrupt my relationships with my sons. I’m also a widow and my husband did say to my sons to look after me. I don’t expect them to live with me or me them or for me to be totally reliant on them but I do expect that from time to time they help me out and we can visit each other and be part of each others lives.
I’m saying this as a woman with a very difficult mother in law! But not all mil’s are like this! It does seem on here that being a mother of sons in itself makes you an awful mil.
I’m sure your own mums don’t receive the same level of disdain.

I would be telling my husband that if she moves near I'm moving away with or without him. Near by non needy relatives who respect boundaries are fine but she'll expect you to be her entertainment most days. I'd tell her that you may move in the future and don't want her living that near as well. She needs to sort out a social life for herself not try to piggy back on to yours

My advice would be to let her move to your area but after about 6-12 months, you start looking to move out of the area yourselves.

See if she tries to follow you to wherever you move to. If she does, you have your answer and can present it to your DH as a situation that he must get on board with or it will affect your marriage.

Definitely have strong boundaries that your DH can follow - simple things like saying "I'll have to check to see if we're available" or "I must check our calendar before agreeing. I'll get back to you to let you know" or something similar which means that he isn't agreeing to arrangements with his mother that he hasn't discussed with you and checked whether you want to do it or not.

It would be actually amusing if she moved and then you decided (or factors transpired) to move out of the area shortly afterwards.

Poor woman, reading that I feel so sorry for her. Sounds like she's lonely and wants to see her children but both dils don't want that. Actually heartbreaking to read and shocks me how people can be so cruel.

Drop heavy hints that you are planning to relocate?

You think she should be able to see her adult children every day?

Every day though.

Do you see your mother and mother in law every day?

What goes around comes around. Their kids will grow up seeing how you expect parents to be treated. Look forward to a very lonely retirement.

We offered my mum to move in with us and as she declined as loves her home my sister moved a five minute walk from her and she and her husband see her almost daily.

A) absolutely would if possible and b) no need to - there is a huge difference between daily and being up in arms at the idea of once a month.

It's hardly heartbreaking. If both DILs are horrified at the thought of living in close proximity to their MIL, it's obvious that she must be difficult. The fact that she is in her early sixties and in good health but says that she doesn't have long to live is a red flag in itself.

I'd remind your husband why BIL moved and hoped he twigged that this could potentially have an effect on your marriage if MIL oversteps.

I'd run if I could.
Towards my own life, without people like this.

I'm 65 yrs old. Am I unusual because I would never describe myself as old, or imply that I am near to the end of my life !! If I had grandchildren that age I would want to find ways to see them more.

My widowed mother has no family near enough for daily visits. I sort of envy your DH that he will be able to nip round in a crisis. But that has to be one of the boundaries - his mother, so he needs to do the lion's share. Also when you are working make sure that she knows that cannot accept visitors and you ignore the doorbell. You are WORKING.

Could you set up a schedule of times you have contact? Like Thursday evening have a family meal. Tuesdays she does the school run (there and back) and takes the kids home for tea and some play. Monday and Friday DH calls in for a cup of tea after work. You might even negotiate a twice monthly Saturday morning babysitting stint while you go and do a big supermarket shop.

You could make it work with strict boundaries. It is DH and not you that needs to be assuming responsibilities.

Why would any family build relationships on lies?

My MIL also had the ‘I’m a little old lady’ mindset from a young age. It’s really frustrating and seems a shame to waste retirement, not make the most of life and that’s what would worry me for you, she needs to be occupied and have her own life and hobbies. Doesn’t have to be sociable but reading, painting, gardening, whatever! Ideally a regular voluntary job so she’s busy and hopefully that will change her mindset a little and allow you independence.

I'd take the kids round every day for a week and tell her you'll be back to collect them after dinner.

Leave piles of ironing out for her. Get her in the garden.

Exactly this. Completely agree with you. The ongoing obsession with devoting every waking moment to demanding parents who refuse to do anything to better their own lives, because faamily trumps all else

I think the only way to handle this is to get your husband to say to her ‘Mum, you can live where you want but we have our own lives and we won’t be available to you for constant company and pop ins. I don’t want you to have any unrealistic expectations of us and if it’s company you’re looking for, why not try hobby groups or get a dog. Tbh, Mum, it doesn’t sound like a good idea-you’d be giving up everything you’ve got to come and live in a place you don’t like in the hope we’ll be around for you-we don’t want that burden hanging over us sorry. Just to be clear.’ If he won’t and dismisses what you’re saying, it’s not going to end well.

I agree. I also think if OP was writing this post about her own mum wanting to move closer and be around them more would the replies be as harsh?

That is my worst nightmare, start dropping hints that you are thinking of moving.

Get some estate agent stuff printed off and leave it on display.

If she mentions again that she doesn't like the area, agree and tell her you've been thinking of moving in the next year or so.

Make sure DH is under no illusion that you'll be doing any hosting for her. It will all be on him.

Keep all the doors locked, don't answer the door without checking your doorbell camera.

Keep a half glass of wine to hand as a prop, oh you need a lift to the hairdresser? Sorry, I've been on the wine.

My MIL moved a 2 minute walk away from her other son and DIL. Promised she would be no bother etc. Within 2 hours of the move happening she was knocking on their door. Pretty much drove them nuts until the inevitable big fallout.

Your working form home so there you have perfect excuse that you cannot be disturbed between 8.30 to 5.30 as your working.

Tell her straight to her face that she will not be visiting every day, and you will not be spending any more time with her than you already are. Add that you'll move to Scotland if she's going to be an arse about it.

That is sad. Some people are, by nature, leaners. I can see it could be a pain but if she does move so close to you, set the boundaries early, don't always be available but see her fairly often, make her welcome, etc.

She won't be around forever and we do need to look after our elderly as much as we can but of course must maintain our privacy and own space.

If you are clear from the outset, it will be probably be all right. She might even be quite useful at times, and happy.

We always lived quite near our parents and it wasn't a problem. They were very good grandparents, we knew we could rely on them and, later on, they could rely on us. It's not forever and we don't know how we will be when older. My intention is to always be independent and I strive to maintain that but one never knows what might happen.

Good luck - and she may not move after all so don't worry in advance. This will not be the only problem you will face in life.

Yes, there is a DEFINITE double standard on Mumsnet - Husband's mother = Devil incarnate, a wannabe wife to her adult son.

Or Wife's mother ''My best friend, like a sister''

It probably isn't wise to move to a rural place- city living with shops, libraries, coffeeshops close within walking distance are a great benefit when people get older. {80's}

You can't stop her, so all you can do is be as clear and assertive with both of them as you can. If she wants to see her son every day then let him visit her. He'll soon get tired of it. If he doesn't, well that's up to him. His mother, his time, his life. But she's his problem, not yours.

Make it clear to both her and him that you have boundaries and you expect them to be respected. No key to your house, no unannounced visits, no expectation that you will be inviting her over every single sunday for lunch, or that she will be automatically included in everything you do as a family. Basically, just tell your husband (and tell him to tell her) that if you start to feel smothered or stifled by her then you will ask to move further away. If your husband won't consider it then you will probably have to leave him. He needs to manage her expectations from the beginning or his marriage is at risk.

My elderly mother moved much nearer to me recently. Not walking distance, but a 10-15 min drive where she used to be an hour away. I prefer it actually, because it means I can visit her for a cup of tea and a chat once a week or so and I don't need to have her at my house for prolongued visits then drive her home. So long as I check in roughly weekly, it's relatively easy and stress free. but she's fairly low maintenance and doesn't expect too much from me. When she does reach the stage where she loses any independence, at least she's only down the road.