To tell my daughter that she stinks

[Rinkytoo]

My 10 y/o DD like many preteens has started to get a whiff of body odour about her after having exercised or being hot. She has all the tools and encouragement ie. soaps, deodorants as well as the encouragement/reminder to use them.
However she complains about having to have a shower or bath - we ask (demand when necessary) that this is done every other day and she always always complains about it. Yet when she’s in the shower or bath she has no issue with being in there and we usually have to hurry her along.
It’s a pain in the ass having to nag her to shower every other day and listen to her complaints. She currently only washes her hair once a week (I do it for her) and that is a chore because she complains about that too.
I remind her to apply deodorant daily because despite it being on the sink where she washes her hands and brushes her teeth, she fails to use it unless asked to and only puts it on under duress.
I’ve been nice, explained why it’s important and all the rest of it but there is no improvement.
The problem seems to be that she doesn’t care. I’ve told her that I think she needs to go and wash because I can smell that her armpits smell of BO but she doesn’t care. “So what if I smell? I don’t care.” I’ve explained the importance of self care and self respect and that other people will start to notice as well because I have, but she just retorts “I don’t care if people do think I smell? Why would I care what other people think? If I don’t care that my armpits smell then why should I care if other people think I smell?” Those comments clearly aren’t done out of embarrassment because she doesn’t then go on to wash or make any improvements. She honestly would never ever wash if it weren’t for her dad and I telling her that she has to.

WIBU to tell her that she stinks and it’s disgusting? Ive tried the nicey nicey ways, the educating etc, but I don’t know what else to do to make her realise the importance of self care and personal hygiene. Problem is I feel like she still wouldn’t care!

I know to expect some comments addressing the possibility of other issues like autism and ADHD which of course wouldn’t rule out, as I know there can be links, but I also feel like regardless of anything else, she shouldn’t be unbothered about being so smelly!

I think it’s okay. I walk in and say “smells interesting!” I have explained that we all go through it and as a teenager I did too.

Edited to add - DP says to his son “get in the shower you bloody stink!” and he finds it funny. Depends on the child really!

Difficult one.

You could let her continue to smell of BO and let her class mates tell her she stinks !

What is her approach to relationships and friendships like generally? Does she have friends? Does she find social stuff easy? What’s her mental health like?

Based on this brief snapshot you have given I wonder if she may be struggling socially or at school and this is part of her defence mechanism?

It’s fairly normal for teenagers to have to be reminded about self care but being stridently opposed to the idea of doing something to make her social relationships easier suggests there may be deeper problems or self esteem issues.

Could she be being bullied?

Is she washing properly when she bathes? A quick rinse won’t cut it.

I had the same problem with my 12 year old son, fighting with him constantly to shower and put antiperspirant on as he stunk. Similarly to you, I stressed the importance of hygiene and looking after yourself. He was adamant that I was the only one that could smell him and that his friends said he didn't smell.

It took a girl in his class telling him he reeked of BO that he finally stopped fighting me. Suddenly he's showering without complaint and putting deodorant on.

I suppose it's harder in your case as there's lower expectations for boys. Maybe she needs to hear it from someone else. Does she have an aunt or older cousin who could have a word?

Honestly it is just a stage, you just have keep telling her to wash, and to use deodorant. Eventually she will get it. She is at the stage where she is still a child who won’t be interested in keeping clean but she will over the next few years. Don’t say anything horrible to her, it won’t make her remember to wash but it will be a horrible memory for her. Do you have any boys? Wait until they are teenagers! 🤣

My dd10 is similar in that she needs reminding and hand holding through self care otherwise she won't do it. She's got ADHD though and does worry about smelling, she just needs help to do it. We now have a slap band that details her morning routine so she can start to be more responsible for it.

Are you washing her clothes well? DD goes to clubs where some of the children really smell and I think 90% of it is because they wear polyester that isn't washed properly so it just gets stinkier and stinkier.

My son went through a ‘I can’t be bovvered’ phase like this for about six months when he was a similar age. I’m in no way saying it’s the same at all but he did snap out of it. He smells like a daisy now etc but at the time I said “ I cannot get the stains out of your t shirts. I love you so much and this is why I’m telling you that at you’re age you are a bucket of sweat and smell and it’s not your fault snd this is also the age where you just cannot be fucking bothered getting in that shower but you’re getting in and you and your therapist will thank me when your older! The I said I knew he was shattered and if he just ploughed on I’d tidying his room for him for 6 months and we’d reevaluate. For him anyway it was hormones and hormonal exhaustion. I know that might not be helpful but it’s my only experience so I thought I’d share. He came through it ended up with great grades at uni lovley girlfriend and smells gorgeous now … but at that point I thought he was going to be in trainspotting 2 for a minute!

I would explain that she could be bullied because of this and people may want to avoid her company and this is what you are trying to avoid. That you are looking out for her wellbeing. It sounds like she's a ten year old who is pissed off at having this extra task to do and wishes it would go away. I think it will take some time for her to adjust and in the meantime you just keep looking out for her as you are. If it wasn't this she may well be arguing with you about something else

Neurodivergence (if she is) is not an excuse to be unclean I agree.
Firstly... can she actually carry out all the steps for washing properly and independently? Sounds obvious but it's not always... can she get the shower the right temperature etc?
My (now adult) son has autism and we laminated a sheet with the steps for washing, including pics to ensure he knew what came next, and it helped him establish a routine on how to wash that he still does to this day.

Other than that, if she can do, understands how to do it, I'd be removing privileges until the job is done. Want TV/internet? Turned off til she's showered. Obviously depends on her interests, but there must be something that motivates her, and that would be stopping until she was washed and deodorised!

Is she embarrassed/upset ? I would just sit her down and very gently say now she is growing up she needs to wash every day and use deodorant. Can she get involved choosing a deodorant she likes? It might be a battle to begin with but she'll accept it after a while

It’s pretty common at this age. It’s a chore, it feels demanding and it’s a sign you are changing which is hard for them to come to terms with. I remember not wanting to change and grow up.

Honestly I have days now as 40 something where I struggle to motivate myself to shower.

I'd get some pretty flannels. She can wash her face, pits, hands before putting on deodorant and brushing her teeth. She's only ten bless her.

Thanks for your reply.
She’s not an extrovert child and is quite shy in general, but not with her friends. She would never go out of her way to make friends with someone but she has plenty of friends and is confident enough with them and definitely confident with herself at home. She’s quite open with us and tells me a lot so 99% sure she is not being bullied. I worry that she would be by high school though if she carries on with this level of personal hygiene!

Mine were good about it but I did tell them to sniff the arm pits of the gym clothes that I wore so they could smell what sweaty smells like on someone else. They get a bit immune to their own smell.

A couple of things to suggest, I would start with a daily shower then it is just routine. I would also get her a shower speaker so you can put on music for her and then have a "final song" so she knows she has to be out of the shower when that finishes. It also needs to be a bar of soap and a flannel to wash her pits with and I would tell her she will end up with no friends from smelling.

I would make her a tick list of things she needs to do in the morning which includes applying deodorant. That way she doesn't have to remember to do things. This will set her up nicely for secondary too when you can add more things to the list.

If she complains about the hair washing I would tell her she can have it cut off. I would also try to make it something that is nice. I saw a woman on Tiktok dry her daughter's hair whilst the daughter lay on the bed with her hair hanging off the bed so it was more relaxing for her. Worth a try.

Her reply would just be “I don’t care” smh

I would tell her. Girls can be cruel.

You don’t have to use the word ‘stinks’! You can just explain sometimes we all smell bad for lots of different reasons and we don’t always notice it on ourselves. And that you don’t want her friends to tease her. So she has to wash every day.

My DD started to struggle when her body started changing. I mentioned it to her and she burst into tears and said everything felt weird now (hair in new places especially) so being harsh wouldnt have been a good strategy there. It just took a little time.

Sometimes no so we have to tell her to go and wash again because she hasn’t been thorough enough. Response to that can vary - either eye roll and does it again to save the argument, other times it can be “You can’t make me! I don’t care if I smell so why should you?”

The last time this came up people mentioned cases where the child was being abused and they did it to make themselves less attractive to their abuser.

Assume there are no hobbies or situations outside the house where that could be happening?

It doesn't matter if she doesn't care- you do. Just keep nagging reminding her.

Fwiw a soap dodging phase at this age seems to be normal. All of mine went through it except for my youngest who has asd - he's fastidious.

My DD was very similar except we insisted on daily showers and hair washes. Now she does it without comment as no showering is just not an option.

DD started to really smell at 9 and we’ve told her from day 1 she needs to wash, use deodorant etc. We don’t see the point in being too softly softly with her as she is quite a robust character.

I am hoping the stinky days will be soon behind us!

Thanks for your message.
She needs reminders of daily routines like brushing her teeth before going to school and before going to bed and does do that without argument. Washing though is another matter. As I say, she has no issue with it once she is doing it, but it’s such a chore to actually get her to do - arguments, excuses etc. She just doesn’t care.

Yes her clothes are washed after every wear and very rarely smell even when she does.