To tell my daughter that she stinks

[Rinkytoo]

My 10 y/o DD like many preteens has started to get a whiff of body odour about her after having exercised or being hot. She has all the tools and encouragement ie. soaps, deodorants as well as the encouragement/reminder to use them.
However she complains about having to have a shower or bath - we ask (demand when necessary) that this is done every other day and she always always complains about it. Yet when she’s in the shower or bath she has no issue with being in there and we usually have to hurry her along.
It’s a pain in the ass having to nag her to shower every other day and listen to her complaints. She currently only washes her hair once a week (I do it for her) and that is a chore because she complains about that too.
I remind her to apply deodorant daily because despite it being on the sink where she washes her hands and brushes her teeth, she fails to use it unless asked to and only puts it on under duress.
I’ve been nice, explained why it’s important and all the rest of it but there is no improvement.
The problem seems to be that she doesn’t care. I’ve told her that I think she needs to go and wash because I can smell that her armpits smell of BO but she doesn’t care. “So what if I smell? I don’t care.” I’ve explained the importance of self care and self respect and that other people will start to notice as well because I have, but she just retorts “I don’t care if people do think I smell? Why would I care what other people think? If I don’t care that my armpits smell then why should I care if other people think I smell?” Those comments clearly aren’t done out of embarrassment because she doesn’t then go on to wash or make any improvements. She honestly would never ever wash if it weren’t for her dad and I telling her that she has to.

WIBU to tell her that she stinks and it’s disgusting? Ive tried the nicey nicey ways, the educating etc, but I don’t know what else to do to make her realise the importance of self care and personal hygiene. Problem is I feel like she still wouldn’t care!

Don't tell her she stinks, but make a huge deal about how nice she smells and how good she looks after her shower. Positive reinforcement is better.

I don't know if you've looked at it but it could be cholinergic urticaria
I have it, and the itching is unbelievable. Antihistamines are the first step but there are other options too, I'm on the nuclear one! of Xolair injections as I've had it 28 years

We ended up being brutal about it.

“No, you can’t come in and watch telly with us, you’re too smelly. Go and have a shower. And do not put the same stinky clothes back on.”

Being banned from from the only room with a television was fairly motivating.

Natural consequences - if you don’t take care of your hygiene, no one will let you sit with them. That includes your parents and siblings on the sofa

If she isn’t listening, I’d go down the natural consequences route. It won’t be nice for her to be told she smells but if her peers tell her she may change her tune if nothing else is going on socially etc.

Neurodivergence IS in many cases a very good ‘excuse’ (as you put it). Tell me you know nothing about Autism without telling me you know nothing about Autism! Wow

Every single day?! That’s a bit extreme

My daughter is the same age and is exactly the same!

I’ve told her she stinks! Come back from residential and forgot to use deodorant all week! I had to stick her straight in the bath!! It just doesn’t seem to be on her radar, maybe next year at secondary she’ll pick it up!

It’s normal. I remember my mother saying the same to me, that I was smelly and had greasy hair. My two, one of each were the same.

They grow out of it, that’s why there’s a bit of a joke about all teenage boys stinking of Lynx Africa. I find it’s usually when they start becoming interested in the opposite (or sometimes same) sex.

“The only reason a shower takes so long is because of herself”

if she does indeed have ADHD or autism, executive dysfunction and processing problems, plus sensory issues, etc., make things take longer. I’m autistic and ADHD and some things take me soooo long because it simply takes me longer to process each step, or the sensory aspects delay me. I’m not diagnosing your DD at all, but just wanted to add this perspective in in case it can help.

I know it doesn't solve the problem of washing, but I recommend Nuud deodorant. I only have to apply it every few days rather than daily and don't smell, even showering every other day.

I forgot to add, we also bought DD a shower speaker (waterproof) as she loves music. Downside is she stays in there for flipping ages! Can't win.....

@FinneganFois
Im sorry but this is terrible advice. Why on earth would you not use deodorant and go around stinking. Washing does not stop you stinking without antiperspirant as well. Do you not use it yourself?

No! It’s absolutely not extreme to put soap and water on your body every day I can assure you. Trust me you are doing your kids a favour. Kids who come to school stinking, with dirty hair, go onto our Safeguarding reporting system. Other kids ask not to sit by them and teachers make comments. #beclean @VegTrug

@VegTrug what's extreme about showering on a daily basis? It should be normal!

11 boy is the same. I tell him he smells of BO amd he says he doesn't care! He won't shower..Will only have baths and the first thing he'll sat is no hair wash!! It's exhausting. I'm hoping when he gets to bug school peer pressure will make him not want to smell! He is asd tho. Not sure if that makes a diff

I teach teenagers/pre teens and have this conversation every week with parents. Most teens, especially pre teens, really struggle with a new hygiene routine. A lot of it is linked to the fear of growing up. They don’t want to wash and shower because it’s a sign of growing up and they’re scared (whether they articulate it or not).

Unfortunately, there is no quick fix. Keep talking about it, reminders, positive praise when she smells good. Take her shopping for shower gel, shampoo, deodorant that she likes the smell of (most kids have aversions to smells we think are nice), nice body spray. She does need telling when she smells. It’s harsh but there needs to be a balance. You know she’ll go to school smelling and there will be comments and remarks which will feel much worse than you saying ‘you stink, get up those stairs and get washed again’.

Does she have a good shower cap for her non-hair wash showers? I really don't like damp bits of hair around my neck. Could that be an issue? My mother taught us that a daily hair wash is part of a daily shower, as that is what her (fine, short, straight) hair needed. I detested having to dry my (long, thick, bushy) hair every day and was confrontational about showering daily at that age for that reason, but couldn't articulate it so specifically.
But yes, as others have said, if she stinks, washing isn't optional. There is a woman at my work who smells. She's close to her mother and it baffles me that this was never sorted out because who else is going to tell you so directly! Tell dd she's lucky you're being firm now so she doesn't grow into someone who pongs out a room.

On that note OP are you looking at a diagnosis?

It would help so much and also give you some insight into the way she thinks.

Most people on here won’t know about pathological demand avoidance but I do because of my DD’s diagnosis.

So most of the advice you get on here won’t be targeted to her neurotype.

There may be other less shaming ways to get her to do things.

As a parent of a ND child, I’m always seeking those out.

Please do consider a diagnosis. It takes years anyway. You could just start the process now and then decide when the appointment comes up in a couple of years.

At 10 years old there is way too much discussion about this.

You've explained. She says she doesn't care.

"I care, I'm your mum and its my job to make sure you are clean, fed and looked after ".

Then use whatever consequences you would normally use in your house.

Never understood while people pussyfoot around this issue. Tell your kids that they smell so other people don't have to FFS. They will not die because you're upfront with them.

Hi,
Thanks so much for the suggestion. I keep telling her dermatologist and allergy doctor about it and they write it down and say if it happens more than once a month to move to daily cetirizine (currently she takes it as and when needed, probably 3 or 4 times a week) I just find it really hard to get through that it doesn't seem to be related to her patches of eczema or "staying moisturised" and is a systemic reaction, also unconnected to her food allergies.
Good to have a word for what I think she might have though!!

@AsparagusGirl mine is caused by raise in temperature so hot baths, cleaning, exercise, stress all brings it on
Worse in winter as you're going from cold to hot
My biggest tip is to keep everything the same so warm bathroom, warm (not hot) bath and so it's less of a temperature change

I take daily Zyrtec and then my Xolair injections which have been life changing - I forget I have the condition now and I can exercise for the first time with no hives

Hi OP, please don't tell your 10 year old child that she stinks, that would be hugely damaging. You need to have a sensitive conversation with her with carefully chosen words.

I've never met a single tween or teen who didn't suffer from time warp syndrome in the shower, where they lose track of elapsed time completely and stay there until someone threatens to bust the door down or turn off the water at the mains, or the water starts to run cold.

It doesn't indicate neurodiversity.

Teachers should do that if the alternative is that they are forced to work in a classroom where the students smell. They should do that if the alternative is that a student is being socially excluded or picked on or talked about because of body odour.

I was very grateful to have teacher backup - it was much more than backup actually - when my DCs were ten. At the back to school open house night the fifth grade (US) teachers told parents they expected the children to shower or bathe and use anti perspirant daily, and they reinforced this message when the students arrived for their first day of school with a lecture about personal hygiene. Word got around that the teachers meant every word they said, and students entering the grade knew what was required even before they set foot in the rooms.