To tell my daughter that she stinks

[Rinkytoo]

My 10 y/o DD like many preteens has started to get a whiff of body odour about her after having exercised or being hot. She has all the tools and encouragement ie. soaps, deodorants as well as the encouragement/reminder to use them.
However she complains about having to have a shower or bath - we ask (demand when necessary) that this is done every other day and she always always complains about it. Yet when she’s in the shower or bath she has no issue with being in there and we usually have to hurry her along.
It’s a pain in the ass having to nag her to shower every other day and listen to her complaints. She currently only washes her hair once a week (I do it for her) and that is a chore because she complains about that too.
I remind her to apply deodorant daily because despite it being on the sink where she washes her hands and brushes her teeth, she fails to use it unless asked to and only puts it on under duress.
I’ve been nice, explained why it’s important and all the rest of it but there is no improvement.
The problem seems to be that she doesn’t care. I’ve told her that I think she needs to go and wash because I can smell that her armpits smell of BO but she doesn’t care. “So what if I smell? I don’t care.” I’ve explained the importance of self care and self respect and that other people will start to notice as well because I have, but she just retorts “I don’t care if people do think I smell? Why would I care what other people think? If I don’t care that my armpits smell then why should I care if other people think I smell?” Those comments clearly aren’t done out of embarrassment because she doesn’t then go on to wash or make any improvements. She honestly would never ever wash if it weren’t for her dad and I telling her that she has to.

WIBU to tell her that she stinks and it’s disgusting? Ive tried the nicey nicey ways, the educating etc, but I don’t know what else to do to make her realise the importance of self care and personal hygiene. Problem is I feel like she still wouldn’t care!

We have one is who iwas fastidious about hygiene and the other iwas like a swamp monster. From about 10, we said morning or evening shower (had to models goood wash for pits and genitals to the monster), teeth x2 and deodorant were non-negotiable.

By Y8, it took care of itself and both were very on top of self-care.

It's probably a phase.

I'd have her shower every day at the same time - it's much easier to get into the swing with habits if it's every day. Morning is best.

I'd apply carrot and stick - buy her nice soap etc, but make pocket money / X treat dependant on her doing it,

Don't bother with the argument - tell her you don't want to smell her and neither do you want a letter from the school telling you your daughter`s personal hygiene needs attention.

It might be a battle for a while but keep it simple and clear cut like this and it'll be easier. Avoid using the word stinks by the way, it's a bit aggressive and playground - just tell her she smells unpleasant and while she's in your house that will not continue.

@Rinkytoo no, not an excuse!

An explanation though. It's usually related to:

• sensory differences that may make washing uncomfortable or smells less noticeable
• interception differences that affect how much she notices she needs to wash
• social differences that affect how much she cares about / understands what others think / need to follow social rules
• need for sameness/rigidity that makes changing behaviour when entering adolescence difficult
• demand sensitivity that can make following adult instruction/suggestion anxiety provoking
• emotional regulation differences that can affect her responses to requests and judgements
• executive functioning differences that can impact ability to remember tasks/start tasks/complete tasks especially potentially aversive or non-valued tasks such as hygiene

I just tell my 3 bluntly if they are smelly. I don’t see the point in pussy footing around it, someone will tell them bluntly in the end and I’d rather it came from me.

Some neuro diverse people find hygiene and social standards around it difficult. We are clear with ours when they smell unpleasant. They will sometimes object that it doesn't bother them but essentially a family is a little community and it bothers me, so they have to do something. I don't police how often they shower generally. Outside the home, it really is up to them, even though I am concerned they'll be teased.

I’m aware that she isn’t a baby or a toddler, although she was bathing daily then!

On the days when she’s been doing sports etc she always showers or bathes. On Tuesday though for example she goes to after school club until 5.30 and then a music lesson 6-7 By the time we get home and have dinner, do homework or whatever else needs doing it’s already past her usual bedtime of 8pm so adding a shower into that takes even longer, but I appreciate that she probably needs to have a quick shower regardless of time constraints. Part of the current issue with that is the battle “You can’t force me to!” and then the fact that once she’s in she takes an age to wash and get out. But that’s what we are going to have to try and overcome to get this a daily thing.

You don’t need to tell me it’s important to be hygienic - I’m here because I know that and am trying to resolve the issue I have described.

My son was about 8 when his active lifestyle took on a pong of its own! I bought him deodorant and over dinner we spoke... I said you may not care at the moment but one day there will be some other kid that you really like and want to hang with but there will be Jennifer the girl from 3rd grade (that is friends with the other kid) that remembers you as the kid with BO and nothing more. It didn't take him long to shower, clean clothes, deodorise and be conscious of his space in the world... To this day 20+ years later he remembers our little talk 🌺

Thanks for all the messages and suggestions, I’m very grateful. Also reassuring to hear it’s not uncommon and that it’s hopefully something she will grow out of.

I shower daily before she gets out of bed, which she knows, and DH showers daily once DD and I have left in the morning to take her to school. She knows and her opinion is “That’s your choice to do that, and my choice is to not.”

But definitely going to get harsher with her and hopefully it’ll start making a difference soon.

Thanks again.

Ignore bedtimes, a ahower at the end of the day is necessary. DD was a Scout at 10 and still showered the one day a week she came home at 9pm, regardless of her normal 8pm bedtime.

Explain that if a family member complains that she smells it's a lot less worse than school mates behind her back. Tell her that it's not acceptable to be in the company of a family member who has bad personal hygine.

You could also ask the teacher for a PSCE lesson, DD's Y5 and Y6 did several on BP, periods, personal care etc during the terms.

Just be blunt - sometimes the softly softly approach works, but other times "tough love" is needed. One of the less nice bits of being a parent, but if you don't tell her then who will? "I've tried telling you nicely but you haven't listened. You smell really bad, and I'm not prepared to live with you in the house stinking all the time. Also, children at your school will laugh at you, and you will care when you have no friends because you smell. From now on, I expect you to shower every morning and I'd better not hear any whinging about it".

We're quite an open family about smells. BO, breath, feet etc. Honestly I'd rather someone told me than didn't and people could smell it anyway!

Are you an open family generally or are there off limits conversations? I get the impression from your posts you're honest with each other but that honesty isn't prompting her to act.

I have a friend of over 20 years who over the last few years has gone deodorant free. She says she knows she smells sometimes but it doesn't bother her. It does bother me sometimes but I shallow breathe as much as possible and position myself in a way that doesn't make me down wind of the smell.

Some people literally do not care. However she's secure and in her 40s. I agree with your concerns about being worried about secondary school bullying. My DD11 got told by her friends jokingly that she was dirty only washing her hair twice a week (it's thick and doesn't need more unless it's after exercise) so now she washes it 3 times a week. So peer pressure might push her in the right direction over time.

So its getting in the shower in the first place... when in there she can stay in a while and how good a job she actually does of washing sounds pretty 'standard for kids' really.. good somedays, crap others.

I hate showering, HATE it, once I am in I do a decent job of it (bearing in mind I also have a physical disability and sit on a stool in a walk in shower and still need help)...

Before all the physical issues though, I still hated it, but I also didn't really like feeling dirty or stinky either... and no way could I have put into words at 10 why I hated it.

In our house there wasn't really a clear cut time for a shower and so any shower was rushed (we were a 'bath once a week, shower when you want' family, it was the 80s...).

It was VERY cold, bathrooms really cold, most rooms generally cold. Heating rarely on and when it was the heat just went up to the top third of the room which served no one any good.

Mostly though I now realise it was sensory issues, I didn't know what sensory issues were as a ten year old though. I knew that I hated being cold, shivering, feeling my relatively warm, dry skin getting wet and the tingles that triggers, the sore cramping muscles from clenching up when cold, the cool breeze on wet cold body...

Then after the shower there was the crispy cat-hairy towels, and only one and it didn't wrap around me at all. A brisk scrub down with it and then dressed, usually whilst still damp with the awful feeling of clothing sticking to me.

Ugh ugh ugh. To shower now my house has to be tropical hot, I am in enough pain already without adding in more muscle spasms and soreness from getting cold.

So I would ask about sensory issues, does she hate the feeling of x or y, many people do!

Ask her what would make regular showering easier, fluffier towels, bigger towels, warmer room.

Not being stinky is really a non-negotiable, but there are alternatives to showering (believe me, I didn't shower for YEARS before we got the wet room in January)..

There are shower wet wipes you can warm the whole pack in the microwave and just wash one bit a time, covering up the rest whilst you do so.

There are shower foams you squirt on, rub in and towel off too and used regularly these are very effective.

What if she showered once a week, to do her whole body and hair, and then used these options the rest of the week?

I work in year 6…urgh 😢😢 Yep! It’s gets pretty stinky I can tell you. I cannot quite understand how kids actually come to school stinking at 9am.

Personally, I would make her shower in the morning before school, every morning. I know that sounds like a hassle, but it then won’t impact on after school stuff and she will have to stick to the time limit. I’d allow her 15 mins in the morning and if she purposely made herself late for school, I’d make it clear to her that you’ll tell school she refuses to hurry in the shower and
makes herself late.

If she refuses or plays up I’d tell her that you are making an appointment to discuss her hygiene problems with school. Hopefully that will wake her up. I woukd tell her a daily shower is the new regime and don’t argue with her about it. Remember she’s ten and you are in charge here not her.

I wonder could teacher get on board in school, say there are a few people that have BO and they need to start showering daily and using deodorants out of respect for themselves and students and teachers. Time for a lesson in self care.

following! I have a son like this and we do have some arguments about him not wanting a shower

This is supposed to be a really good deodorant. https://www.getfussy.com/?srsltid=AfmBOoraug4TC8yRxM3k8eRyfw6iDDRaN5QkUDPgas83R5cJAx6am7Xd

the bacteria in the deodorant eat the bad bacteria under the armpit so there’s no smell.

Lots of good reviews. At least if she was using something to alter the ‘mix’ it might mean she could shower every other day because there’d no smell.

Thank you for your message.

Yes we are open with each other and when she complains about her dad doing a smelly fart, I have used that when telling her that her BO isn’t something we or others want to have to smell, just like she doesn’t want to have to smell her dads bad farts! Makes no difference.

I don’t know if she thinks she doesn’t get close enough to her peers for them to be able to smell her - I’ve told her just because they haven’t said anything doesn’t mean that they can’t smell her. Her response has just been she doesn’t care what they think. I’ve told her kids can be mean and she doesn’t want to get a name for herself and be known as the smelly one. She either doesn’t get it or really doesn’t care, but obviously she will in the future I’m sure if she intends to keep this up!

“You can’t make me! I don’t care if I smell so why should you?”

Well of course she doesn't care - she's down-wind of her own pong, while it's being foisted on you. It's uncomfortable to sit in the same space as a smelly arse - why should people have to put up with that? Why doesn't she sit next to some dog shite for an hour or so - the dog doesn't mind so why should she?

Honestly - tweens and teens are such cheeky devils!

This happens anyway as part of our PHSE lessons. Unfortunately some kids actually just don’t care. We have girls who I reckon wash their hair once a month and shower even less. We have to report onto our safeguarding system pupils who smell, have dirty hair or clothes etc. interestingly all of the boys smell lovely, deodorant, aftershave etc! They even tell me what aftershaves they’re using, but honestly the girls just don’t have the same standards. So weird!

@WiddlinDiddlin Thanks for your message and for sharing your thoughts and experiences. All I can get from her as to the reason for not wanting to shower is “it takes too long” - even though she is the reason that she takes too long! Maybe like you have suggested there is another reason but it’s not one that she can name. Although once she’s in there she’s fine (apart from taking forever!)
My main dislike about showering is getting out and being cold, but it’s just tough isn’t it? It’s either that or be dirty and smelly. I put the heating on and put the bath towels over the radiator, but it’s still not the most pleasant feeling - but that’s just life isn’t it. She hasn’t used that as her reason, that’s just mine, but it could be possible that she can’t quite put her finger on what her problem is with washing.

I was lucky enough to have my kids in a school where their teachers when they were ten wouldn't stand for a class full of smelly kids, and had a stern chat with students they felt weren't washing daily and using an anti perspirant daily.

You need to be very bolshy about this and never give in to the complaints and eyerolling or whatever nonsense she tries on you.

Her hair should be washed more frequently (daily or every two days, barring hair tyoes that dont normally need washing thst frequently) and she should learn to do it herself.

Maybe as well as insisting, you could try bribery/ rewards?

By hook or by crook, she needs to get the daily washing habit in place.

Thanks for this. Looks good although pricey!
Do you know if it’s online only? So many different scents, would be good to actually smell them to see which she’d prefer. Thanks.

Yes to this.

Be as bossy and direct as the task demands.

Dd12 sometimes smells, we tell her and she has no issue just throwing on some deodorant. She said she’d rather us tell her than other people smelling her. Sometimes she’s notices herself.

Unless your child's hair reflects African heritage, your hairdresser is talking balloon juice.

It needs to be washed at least every second day. Her scalp will smell if her head is left longer. There will be sebum, sweat, and environmental dirt there.