To tell my daughter that she stinks

[Rinkytoo]

My 10 y/o DD like many preteens has started to get a whiff of body odour about her after having exercised or being hot. She has all the tools and encouragement ie. soaps, deodorants as well as the encouragement/reminder to use them.
However she complains about having to have a shower or bath - we ask (demand when necessary) that this is done every other day and she always always complains about it. Yet when she’s in the shower or bath she has no issue with being in there and we usually have to hurry her along.
It’s a pain in the ass having to nag her to shower every other day and listen to her complaints. She currently only washes her hair once a week (I do it for her) and that is a chore because she complains about that too.
I remind her to apply deodorant daily because despite it being on the sink where she washes her hands and brushes her teeth, she fails to use it unless asked to and only puts it on under duress.
I’ve been nice, explained why it’s important and all the rest of it but there is no improvement.
The problem seems to be that she doesn’t care. I’ve told her that I think she needs to go and wash because I can smell that her armpits smell of BO but she doesn’t care. “So what if I smell? I don’t care.” I’ve explained the importance of self care and self respect and that other people will start to notice as well because I have, but she just retorts “I don’t care if people do think I smell? Why would I care what other people think? If I don’t care that my armpits smell then why should I care if other people think I smell?” Those comments clearly aren’t done out of embarrassment because she doesn’t then go on to wash or make any improvements. She honestly would never ever wash if it weren’t for her dad and I telling her that she has to.

WIBU to tell her that she stinks and it’s disgusting? Ive tried the nicey nicey ways, the educating etc, but I don’t know what else to do to make her realise the importance of self care and personal hygiene. Problem is I feel like she still wouldn’t care!

My DD started smelling just before her 10th bday. She is mainly ok and does it without reminder. There was a day when she forgot. I said hyou smell a bit whiffy. I explained that I smelt at school and was bullied. My Mum would tell me the same but I couldn't smell it myself. She will get there.

I used to tell her that it’s disrespectful to other people to inflict her smell on them. Other children had to sit next to her in class and they didn’t have the option of sitting elsewhere. It was rude to expect them to smell her stench.

Thanks, I’m doing to do that. In fact I have before actually and she just says she doesn’t care. I think she actually didn’t believe me though because they haven’t said anything to her about it and it’s only me and her dad that have told her. Maybe this is what it will take to get it through to her if a classmate or friend comments on it. I’ll consider getting someone else on board like grandparent or auntie so she knows it’s not just her ‘annoying’ parents that have noticed.

Also your suggestion and that of other PPs to have daily showers, I think I’m going to have to enforce that even though it’s not always convenient. She did used to shower or bathe daily up until around age 6, but then after school activities got in the way and we went down to every other day. She does always shower when it’s an exercise day, but currently doesn’t on tutor day or musical instrument practice day.

Only wash her hair once a week on swimming day because hairdresser told her and me to only wash it once a week to avoid dry it out with over washing or damaging it from too bunch heat when drying it - she likes to remind me of that whenever I tell her to wash her hair more regularly. Her hair is fine at the moment TBH and isn’t greasy or anything…yet!

This is definitely an autism thing. I think I would be very firm about it like a PP says - it's basic hygiene. And yes I do have a neurodivergent child.

Reading with interest as my DD9 makes such a fuss about baths and showers we manage 2-3 times a week and it's always a battle (she prefers a bath but wants you to sit and chat) after reading (half of...) atomic habits I understand the make-it-a-habit approach BUT my DD has eczema and even when we try our best to make sure it's not too hot she is often super itchy after a shower or bath (she comes out in hives if too warm but thankfully hasn't happened in quite a while)
I love the nice flannels idea- thank you whoever suggested that.
Also the shower within a song (as I think the longer she stays in the more likely she is to get itchy)
Luckily not smelly yet but a few months ago she asked for some deodorant because a friend had some ao I got her a couple of tweeny ones that she used religiously for about a fortnight and now not so much.
Thanks for the ideas everyone and sympathies with OP- so hard having to force the washing! Hope you find a solution. Maybe challenge her with a bribe to have a daily morning shower (we used to this for my DD staying in her own bed for the whole night and not ending up in ours when she was about 6)

For the hair washing, try a sulphate free shampoo because it doesn't wash all the oils out so your hair doesn't get greasy anywhere near as quickly.

If she's not going to listen to you, hopefully she'll listen when peer pressure kicks in. Does it need to be every day? Every couple of days, then it would feel like less of a chore for her? And wet wipes in between?

Thanks for your message.

She can’t come up with a reason. I said to her sometimes I don’t like having a shower because it’s cold when I get out, but that’s just something I have to deal with because I know washing is something I have to do. The only reason she could come up with for not liking washing is that it takes too long! I’ve told her it takes longer than necessary due to herself and nobody else because she tits about while she is in there! A shower timer is a good call, I’ll try that. We currently have a shower speaker and tell her she needs to be done within two songs for example, but then she just puts them back to the beginning - smh.

She has lovely wash stuff that she chose from Lush but still doesn’t make a difference unfortunately. She likes it when she’s using it but doesn’t work as a form of encouragement.

That’s for your message and reassurance that hopefully there will be some improvement with time. I’ve told her it’s not nice for other people to have to smell body odour or bad smells and her response is usually “Why would I care what other people think?” (Bangs head against the wall)

You can raise the issue without being so brutal to her.

TBH it’s never the morning that she showers, it’s always the evening or after school. As I say, alternate days just because that’s enough of a battle but I am going to try and start it daily. Just a pain in the ass when we don’t get in from clubs until late, but so be it I guess.

She’s only ten, give her a break. Most of her class with smell too it’s that transitional stage of starting to be stinky but she may not actually realise this herself yet. Fair play for her not caring and being embarrassed Id say. It is defo a phase though my tooth brushing refusing son now is the most hygienic person that I know.

She needs a bit more of structure, by allowing her to have a shower every other day and just wash her hair once per week she just didn’t develop a routine. So each time she has to do it is a chore.

It could be difficult to start with but in your shoes I would insist this isn’t a topic open for discussion: she needs a daily shower and wash her hair x times per week, period. I think you shouldn’t hope this sorts by itself - once she gets her period she needs to be on top of personal hygiene.

I agree with others - perhaps buy her some nice bath products and body mists, explore what brands other kids her age are liking etc

No child is or should be too busy to take a shower. I’m afraid I’m looking at you, the parent, for scheduling a 10yo child so tightly and fully that she doesn’t even have time to bathe. If this is actually true, it shouldn’t be. Priorities are totally wrong. And actually maybe this is part of it. She doesn’t have enough time to just be. Of course she’ll love it once she’s in: she’s relaxed and alone and her mind is wandering. She doesn’t have time to learn to look forward to this essential daily time and space for a growing mind and body. Sorry to be so blunt but this is really quite wrong.

Well then does she have a favourite type of toiletries ie Body Shop or for example anything with a lemon scent? If she could choose her own favourite toiletries would that help?
Very hard for you when it turns into a daily battle.

I’m sure it can be an autism thing, but it could also not be an autism thing.
Also pretty sure autism shouldn’t be used as an excuse to not look after one’s self and their personal hygiene.

As per my OP and subsequent updates, I have raised the issue with her on many occasions and from lots of different angles. Being brutal feels like all I have left!

My little sister was just like this at the same age! She used to run the shower and sit on the bathroom floor reading instead. She grew out of it and into a successful, glamorous woman who smells divine! We laugh about it now but it did drive our mother mad at the time.

I treat it like homework - my DS doesn't have to want to do it but I prompt him to every day and make sure it gets done. I figure he'll care enough to sort himself at some stage, but right now he doesn't so it's just another thing on the parenting list

I feel like I mustn’t have explained myself properly, or maybe you’re just being obtuse - she does shower every other day. Ok according to some that isn’t enough, but on the alternate days that she does take a shower she has more than adequate time to do so. She just complains about it.
After school clubs on the other days in between mean that we don’t get home until late, which means a lot less time to get things done, but I have taken on board that time needs to be made to shower on these also.

Be brutal, that was the only thing that helped here. DD has ASD/ADHD but was always cautious about BO. But there are times when they just get nose-blind.

Change to daily showers, DD does them in the evening and washes in the morning with soap and flannel. That means it's a strict routine and you can check it better as well.

Is her uniform polyester? That won't help unfortunately, I had to replace shirts around February each year, regardless what I tried, I couldn't get the smell out of the shirts. A polycotton jumper and blazer on top of polycotton shirts is a recipe for disaster.

My 13 yo boy has just started this stage (possibly a slightly late developer). We went down the lighthearted route of saying “no one wants to get a reputation as the stinky kid” it worked fine and he now remembers to use deodorant but I appreciate this might not be the right approach for a more sensitive child!

Thanks for your message.
Uniform is all cotton apart from the cardigan.

Tried that and she’s not sensitive but just doesn’t care. Think I’m going to ask a grandparent or aunties to mention it so she knows it’s not just me and DH who have noticed - see if that makes a difference! Her previous response to those comments from me has just been why should she care what other people think - smh

My point is that bathing should be happening every day. Every other day isn’t enough. She’s not a baby or toddler. She goes to school. She will play, get grubby, have PE/gym etc. How can a 10yo not have enough time each and every day to have a shower? What is she doing that’s more important than being hygienic?

I told my kids that there was a girl in my class at Primary School who absolutely stank and whenever her name is mentioned (even now, 20 years later), my first thought is 'she smelt'. I liked her. We were friendly but that is genuinely the first thing that comes to mind when I think of her 'she was the smelly kid'.

I told the kids that you never, ever want to be known as the smelly kid at school as people will never forget and you'll be tainted with that label forever more.

I'd tell your daughter a similar story.

My kids are shower avoiders so we compromise by having bed bath soap that doesn't need water and disposable flannels for them to wash with in their bedrooms. It works for us.

I also spray white vinegar under the armpits of all tops to remove any BO smells.

Hey I have ADHD (not saying she does) but I find taking it step by step.

Get clothes laid out but no pressure to shower.

Towel ready.

A hot water bottle helps too to help with the hot to cold transition.

Then oh look everything's ready I can Shower.

Perhaps you can replicate this? Get xyz out for your shower daughter.

Here's a hot water bottle for after your shower.

Oh look everything is ready now and all you have to do is get in!