To tell my daughter that she stinks

[Rinkytoo]

My 10 y/o DD like many preteens has started to get a whiff of body odour about her after having exercised or being hot. She has all the tools and encouragement ie. soaps, deodorants as well as the encouragement/reminder to use them.
However she complains about having to have a shower or bath - we ask (demand when necessary) that this is done every other day and she always always complains about it. Yet when she’s in the shower or bath she has no issue with being in there and we usually have to hurry her along.
It’s a pain in the ass having to nag her to shower every other day and listen to her complaints. She currently only washes her hair once a week (I do it for her) and that is a chore because she complains about that too.
I remind her to apply deodorant daily because despite it being on the sink where she washes her hands and brushes her teeth, she fails to use it unless asked to and only puts it on under duress.
I’ve been nice, explained why it’s important and all the rest of it but there is no improvement.
The problem seems to be that she doesn’t care. I’ve told her that I think she needs to go and wash because I can smell that her armpits smell of BO but she doesn’t care. “So what if I smell? I don’t care.” I’ve explained the importance of self care and self respect and that other people will start to notice as well because I have, but she just retorts “I don’t care if people do think I smell? Why would I care what other people think? If I don’t care that my armpits smell then why should I care if other people think I smell?” Those comments clearly aren’t done out of embarrassment because she doesn’t then go on to wash or make any improvements. She honestly would never ever wash if it weren’t for her dad and I telling her that she has to.

WIBU to tell her that she stinks and it’s disgusting? Ive tried the nicey nicey ways, the educating etc, but I don’t know what else to do to make her realise the importance of self care and personal hygiene. Problem is I feel like she still wouldn’t care!

Can you go in the shower with her, that might embarrass her enough to do it properly the first time. Bet you only have to do it the once,

At a similar age we had a similar battle. Shower expected every other day but we had to argue the toss - also had to remind our son to wash different areas/wash properly.

From about 14 he was self motivated to shower daily and can't go without his morning shower. Similar happened with teeth brushing now he asks for his own fancier toothpastes. It does mean he dominates the bathroom for a good half hour every morning!

Don't despair. Fight the good fight and with a little luck she will come out the other side.

Try a song. I've found "you need to have got dressed with deodorant on by the end of 'shake it off'"

The music seems to kick them into it.

It’s a bit of a shock for some children when they start needing to shower/bathe everyday and use deodorant, they don’t think they need to as they never had to do it before. She may be oblivious and think that you are on her case more and be rebelling and not believe she does smell.

Mine went through this. I had to give a quick "Get in the shower. You smell".
"It doesn't look like you've brushed your teeth".
"Your hair is greasy, you need to wash your hair tonight"
Brusque but effective reminders to sort out their personal hygiene throughout their preteens.

Yes she’s more than capable. On occasions when she’s been especially smelly and has showered or bathed, I’ve done a sniff test and had to tell her she needs another go on her armpits because they still stink - she just eye rolls that I’m a nag or says they’ll be fine and she doesn’t care. She’s capable of putting deodorant on but only does it under duress when I ask her to do it.

All I could really take away from her that she’d be bothered about would be whichever book she’s reading currently. Seems like a poor punishment removing a book. I’ve tried telling her she can’t watch TV before bed if she doesn’t shower first and she will either not be bothered, or alternatively she will eventually get in the shower and take so long in there that when she comes out it’s really late and I sometimes end up saying she’s taken too long (think half an hour even without hair wash) that now there’s no time for TV because bedtime has long since past

Thanks for the suggestion but we’ve done all that. She’s not embarrassed or upset in the least - the complete opposite in fact! The only upset comes when I insist that she washes!

Year 6 classrooms are apparently notoriously whiffy. My dd was the same then one day a switch flipped and you couldn’t keep her out of the shower.

Problem is that she won’t unless forced!
She may only be ten but she still bloody stinks lol

How often do you go swimming? I'd start going midweek, a good dunk in chlorine (and shower afterwards) will do her the world of good and it doesn't have to seem like you are nagging.

DD was competitively swimming from aged 9-12 so was in the pool 5 times a week so we missed all of these issues.

Scrubbingtons deodorant is specifically for tweens as they are exceptionally whiffy when their hormones start and then they settle down.

My DD wasn’t embarrassed and also used to say “I don’t care! It doesn’t bother me!”.

I used to tell her that it’s disrespectful to other people to inflict her smell on them. Other children had to sit next to her in class and they didn’t have the option of sitting elsewhere. It was rude to expect them to smell her stench.

It got through. Now, of course, she spends half her life in the bathroom and about of her allowance on lotions and potions!

Also, every other day isn’t enough at 10yo. Daily shower, morning or evening, hair wash every other day. She’s not a small child anymore, she’s on the cusp of puberty if not starting it.

Thank you for your reply and suggestions, however we’ve done all that apart from the tick list and the threats of shaving her head lol

She has a shower speaker. A daily shower would be great in an ideal world, but we go with every other day currently just because there’s not enough time on the other in between days due to musical instrument practice and other clubs. Her shower days always fall on exercise days though. Me telling her to shower daily would have her acting like it’s a massive punishment. Really pisses me off that once she is in there she’s quite happy slow, but happy in there and takes forever until she’s actually ready to come out)

I’ve done all this and what feels like on a weekly basis, but it makes no difference. Which is what is making me think I might need a more harsh approach.

I think you have to accept that right now, she's not motivated to go in the shower, she doesn't like it and she will complain. It feels like a pain to her.

You can accept this AND still make her do it. She's allowed to have an opinion on it.

This would be my approach:

Work with her to dig into WHY she doesn't like it. Can't be bothered / it feels like hard work? Bathroom is cold? Has to stop doing something else she likes? Doesn't like getting face wet? Hates drying hair after? Write down all the pros and cons and try to understand the real issue behind it, so you can then tackle it.

I'd also, together:

Go shopping for some cool body wash, maybe the foamy kind that's fun to use

Buy a shower timer

Write up a shower schedule - set days she goes in the shower, you both agree on (4 X per week for now)

Agree that shower comes before TV or whatever she's motivated by. Don't say she can't have X if she doesn't shower.

Be breezy about her complaints while acknowledging she doesn't like it and reinforcing it still has to happen. "Yes you don't feel like getting in the shower. I sometimes don't feel like it either. But we still have to do it to keep ourselves clean and fresh." Or whatever.

Given everything you've tried, I'd be tempted to simply leave it for a while.
There may be an element of rebellion in her refusal. Drop the rope and allow consequences outside of the home to impact a little, with you on hand to help if she does get comments etc.

Review it after whatever period you can tolerate or seems reasonable.

Yes I’ve read that too and thanks for your concern but no there is no situation where that could be happening.

OP can you approach it from a being a considerate member of her community perspective. Let’s face it’s not very pleasant when you’re in close proximity to smelly people. So if she won’t do it for herself she may do it out of consideration for others?

She will probably grow out of it like I did. I’m ND wasn’t diagnosed until early 30s and embarrassingly I was probably a bit whiffy from age 13-ish until my late teens for various reasons. Especially after I got my period. I had some friends who were mean girls that commented which helped 😆

I’ve noticed public transports in places like the UK during summer stinks a lot more than the equivalent I’ve visited in Asia and Africa where they’re extremely vigilant about washing multiple times a day even if they’re living in very poor conditions. So even if people are in close quarters in fairly hot weather you don’t get such a bad whiff. I was on a bus in the US earlier this year and I nearly passed out at how bad the man in front of me smelled.

I really can’t stand it and struggled with smelly classrooms when I worked in schools. It just takes a few kids to make the whole place smell quite bad.

Oh yes we used to have to tell DS2 he stank! He wasn’t washing his pits properly. Thankfully he grew out of it

I think it's a phase, OP, as DD (19) went through it around 10. Her hair was a tangled mess, she refused to brush it unless I insisted.
Then a switch flipped and she became hygienic.

Same with DS (16), I remember him deliberately not showering for as long as possible during the summer holidays, he seemed to revel in it. Now, he has a daily shower and carefully styles his hair each morning. Sometimes too carefully and he's late for school.😆

Ha! She doesn’t embarrass easily so I don’t think that would work. I’d probably be more embarrassed than her lol. She would either like it was funny or just say I was weird and it would backfire on me!

Me telling her to shower daily would have her acting like it’s a massive punishment so what? This is similar to a toddler tantrum but because she is older you can talk to her about the complaining. I have done it once to my children to demonstrate how annoying it is. Complain loudly about everything you do for one day that you do for her, tell her you are going to do it and complain about the school run, cooking, anything.

Tell her that complaining won't change the fact she has to do things but it will result in her losing something she likes. Re fitting it in around music or whatever is something she just has to do and she will have to do it daily for secondary anyway so you might as well start now because she already smells.

I worked in a primary school, we always had some girls start their periods in year 4, so showering daily now would help your DD for when that starts too as clearly this is the start of puberty for her.

Tell her it’s not a discussion. She washes and she puts on deodorant. You wouldn’t let her walk around with an unwiped arse, she can’t walk around with BO either.

There could be more to it, but it could just be a case of body developing at a different rate to the brain. I say this because my eldest went through a similar patch around that age but once he got to high school he really did start to care about his appearance/how he smells etc. Now instead of fighting to get him in the shower I'm shouting at him to get out! I'm sure she will start to care soon op and this will get easier x

Reward chart? Tick list with daily/weekly/monthly rewards of her choice (not money). Maybe 2 levels of rewards depending on how much she completes.

Definitely get her to smell some horrible body smells of other people. Shoes. People in town. Your gym clothes. Explain it is irrelevant whether she cares or not.

I struggled with my pubescent body changing and it took me a long time (at least a year) to come to terms with the need to use deodorant, shave armpits etc. I had no idea how to use a razor or deodorant, and no one showed me. Had to buy my own razor and felt so embarrassed. It was a shit time. Maybe some appropriate YouTube videos would help?

I'm sorry but being busy is no excuse for not showering in the morning - you need to make sure she has time. It literally takes a few minutes to wash the important bits and when it becomes non-negotiable and part of her daily routine then hopefully the arguments may dwindle after a while.