To tell my daughter that she stinks

[Rinkytoo]

My 10 y/o DD like many preteens has started to get a whiff of body odour about her after having exercised or being hot. She has all the tools and encouragement ie. soaps, deodorants as well as the encouragement/reminder to use them.
However she complains about having to have a shower or bath - we ask (demand when necessary) that this is done every other day and she always always complains about it. Yet when she’s in the shower or bath she has no issue with being in there and we usually have to hurry her along.
It’s a pain in the ass having to nag her to shower every other day and listen to her complaints. She currently only washes her hair once a week (I do it for her) and that is a chore because she complains about that too.
I remind her to apply deodorant daily because despite it being on the sink where she washes her hands and brushes her teeth, she fails to use it unless asked to and only puts it on under duress.
I’ve been nice, explained why it’s important and all the rest of it but there is no improvement.
The problem seems to be that she doesn’t care. I’ve told her that I think she needs to go and wash because I can smell that her armpits smell of BO but she doesn’t care. “So what if I smell? I don’t care.” I’ve explained the importance of self care and self respect and that other people will start to notice as well because I have, but she just retorts “I don’t care if people do think I smell? Why would I care what other people think? If I don’t care that my armpits smell then why should I care if other people think I smell?” Those comments clearly aren’t done out of embarrassment because she doesn’t then go on to wash or make any improvements. She honestly would never ever wash if it weren’t for her dad and I telling her that she has to.

WIBU to tell her that she stinks and it’s disgusting? Ive tried the nicey nicey ways, the educating etc, but I don’t know what else to do to make her realise the importance of self care and personal hygiene. Problem is I feel like she still wouldn’t care!

I have no problem telling my daughter when she smells. Wouldn’t you rather it be you who tells her rather than her teacher/friend/employer when she is older having to do it?

My 16 year old ‘forgets’ about deodorant just about every day. I still have to remind her. She isn’t diagnosed but is most likely autistic. The only reason she remembers showering is a thing is because we have spent 16 years making it a daily habit, along with teeth brushing.

@Prettydisgustingactually

No, certainly not, just SOAP and WATER, shower each morning and evening in the summer. Deodorant, for those who use it, is not the same as anti perspirant, which clogs the pores.

I had exact same issue with mine, she's now 20 and still smells 😩

Omg! Why oh why is everyone obsessed with ND, PDA, ASD? Literally every time a child misbehaves, won’t do as asked etc, someone comes along to say “Quick! Get them tested for autism or PDA” Honestly why can’t people just accept kids are bloody difficult for no reason other than they’re kids. Schools are basically hell, as kids can never be described as naughty anymore. We have to cater for their every whim and when they treat us like crap we have to make excuses. This is why everyone is leaving the teaching profession Parents cannot/will not/don’t know how to parent their kids, so they arrive in school totally wild and never having been told no in their lives. Then when they are expected to behave, it’s “Let’s find a suitable label”. I do know what PDA is because we have to deal with it in school every day. Kids who cannot accept the word no basically @PlopSofa

Your problem is more her attitude. She sounds like she is pretty rude to you. You simply tell her. You need to shower every day. If she doesn't there is a sanction.

Ableist, nasty. Reporting.

@PlopSofa Tbf, several posters have shared experiences of their NT children being reluctant to keep clean around this age. Both of my NT children went through a soap-avoiding, hair washing/brushing- avoiding phase around 10/11 and then outgrew it.

It does sound as if many children do this as a form of rebellion (you can't make me, I don't care). The OP hasn't mentioned that her DD could be ND.

It's not though. It's the truth. Not every single water averse child is neurodivergent, and it's not ableist to say so.

@PlopSofa
Soooo…I’m guessing your reporting of my post proved that it’s neither ableist or nasty. Just as I thought! No guidelines were broken.

What I have said is true and it’s my opinion, which the last time I checked, I am perfectly entitled to.

Yes there are children with all kinds of issues, but many (way more than you’d imagine) are actually naughty kids. The issues we face in schools are that parents cannot accept this, and declare their child to be ND etc. They have never set boundaries and their child has never heard the word no. They send them off to school totally unprepared. Most people would not believe what we face every day. I work in a mainstream school. It’s virtually lawless. You only have to read the threads on here to see that kids are ruling over their parents. Yes ASD is real, but not every naughty child is ASD @PlopSofa

Thank you @nonbinaryfinery Nothing I said to @PlopSofa is ableist or nasty, it was/is the simple truth.

Mine is the same, smelly and reluctant to wash, but does when we insist. Needs reminders thought to wash thoroughly and use deodorant. I’d say that she might not care but you do because you find the smell unpleasant and please can she wash out of respect to not subject you and other people in her company to the unpleasant smell.

I have never used deodorant or anti-perspirant and I can assure you I don’t smell. I shower daily and wear clean clothes.

Some people don’t get BO. There’s a correlation between BO and the type of earwax wax you have -wet vs dry - people with dry ear wax don’t get BO, they don’t produce the type of sweat that attracts BO causing bacteria.

obviously everyone should wash regularly, and wear clean clothing, otherwise they will smell ‘stale’ but there is no point using deodorant if you don’t need it.

You can find it in supermarkets. It is nice but no miracle cure!

YANBU but eventually her peers will tell her, she will come home in tears and that will solve it.

I work with a soap dodging 23yr old. He admits he doesn't wash, neither himself or his clothes. They don't all grow out of it. NT as far as we know. His gf must be noseblind or desperate

In my experience all of our 3 gave no shits about deodorant and showers at c11-13 but then got more vain / conscious at c14
so went through stinky armpit phases where had to march them to showers.
no ADHD etc just no shits given

You could say to her that her teacher may start to notice and have to speak to you. In all seriousness, if children smell continually, we do raise it with parents. That may be the jolt she needs!

I'm not saying that taking ages in the shower indicated neurodivergence.

I'm saying that IF OP's DD does turn out to be ND, then her taking ages in the shower could be part of processing problems/sensory issues, etc., because OP seems exasperated that DD elongates the process of showering even though she doesn't enjoy it.

As an adult who was diagnosed later in life, yes she does still need to wash if she has ADHD.

That's not the point though - if she has ADHD you might need different tactics to encourage her and she might be struggling in other areas that are slipping under the radar because girls tend to be good at masking.

I'm not qualified to say if she does or not (and I'm sure someone who was wouldn't base it on a few mumsnet posts). I can tell you my time at university and work after would have been much much happier and easier if I hadn't struggled so much to get anything done without knowing why, not helped by the many many pep talks from people about how I'm intelligent and should "just get on with it". I can't tell you how much I wished I could just get on with it. Post-diagnosis medication has helped but I have years of bad habits and maladaptive coping strategies to unlearn.

The straight from after school club to lessons to dinner to bed would have been torture to me too, no time to decompress at all. Are the lessons definitely necessary and if so could they be moved to the weekend? Extra curriculars are a fantastic thing but being too busy to shower aged 10 sounds miserable to me.

I just assumed everyone bathed or showered daily? Showers are quicker and use less water. You can be in and out in 5 minutes, fully washed. I don't wash my hair daily. But I couldnt leave the house before showering. My partner is the same and I expect my kids to be the same. Both me and partner and two kids are all neurodiverse, but we absolutely don't stand for being unclean and there are no excuses in our house. Kids get mucky in school, pen on their hands etc, they are messy eaters and the kids usually shower twice a day, once before bed and once in tge morning. So yes they shower daily, and no personally that is not extreme to me. If one of my kids smelled or had bad breath, I would and have told them right there and then to go and sort it out. It really is the cornerstone of having a decent life as who wants to hire a stinky person with bad breath and rotten teeth. Unless you plan to inherit a large piece of land and live like a hermit or spend a long time wondering why noone is hiring you then you have to get these basics right to live amongst others.

I went through a phase when I was about 12/13 where I stopped washing my hair. It was because I hated my hair which was really unruly and I had a widow's peak which never lay flat. It made me really self conscious. My parents always made me have short hair and I really wanted long hair. I'd worked out if I didn't wash my hair my hair would be more static and stay in place (thanks to the grease!) It was sort of control mechanism. Maybe there is something your daughter is trying to control by not washing, and maybe if you can identify what that is, it might stop her doing it. My mum was never very good with hair or hair styling, but if I'd had that help as to how to manage the things I hated about my hair I don't think I'd have resorted to the phase of not washing it.

Had the same problem (minus the smell fortunately as we're not at that stage with 10yo yet!

Had trouble with every other day so I doubled down and we make her shower or bath every single evening. I make it part of her routine and even though if I didn't tell her it was shower time she wouldn't do it, she never complains anymore.