Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Freeloading CF school mum- class teacher Christmas gift - private school edition

339 replies

FedUpOFTightCF · 06/12/2024 20:16

My child is in a small class of 10 at a fee paying prep school - There is no financial assistance available, all parents pay the full fees. I'm the class rep and for the past three years we have been doing a whip round to buy some vouchers for the class teacher for Christmas. £20 per family. Every other parent manages to cough up without numerous reminders – for the past 2 years CF has been too “disorganised” to transfer the funds over but wants the card to be from “year 3”, at this point I've had enough. Mrs CF is notorious amongst the parents for wanting freebies ( can those of us with skills work unpaid for her, lend items ). free lifts and childcare and not reciprocating.

My child came from reception in a a state school where I would be aware of financial and other challenges for families preventing them from contributing to Christmas collections . Is not the case here. I'm off to buy the gift vouchers this weekend - planning to sign it from the other nine children and not from CF’s child - after four reminders - she's on WhatsApp all the time and busy posting in other school related groups I'm fed up of the rest of us subsidising her. Money doesn't appear to be an issue when she's going out for dinner or drinks with the other parents, just when it's time for the class collection year after year.As you can tell I'm not sympathetic. Has anyone else dealt with this and has some tips? Thank you

OP posts:
brbg2g · 07/12/2024 00:02

It's not the child's fault the parent hasn't contributed. Don't punish the child for the parent's actions. Put the child's name on the card.

runofbadluck · 07/12/2024 00:06

Moonpig now have an option were you can send a link to all of the parents so each child can write their own message to the teacher in the group card. The onus is on her then… If she doesn’t contribute then she can’t write a message.

www.moonpig.com/uk/group-cards/

pollyglot · 07/12/2024 00:07

Merrymess · Yesterday 23:47

pollyglot · Yesterday 23:45
Just curious, those who have said $20 is excessive for a teacher's gift... what do people tip their hairdresser each time they have their hair done? Or isn't that a thing these days? 5 quid, 4 times a year, for example? Do parents not realise just how hard their child's teacher works to do their utmost for their kid? Is it not worth the same acknowledgement?

They get paid to do their job. They don't do it for free.

Well well well, who knew? Thanks for the information. So can you point me to your hairdresser who does not get paid? I'll happily tip them $5 for a free "do".

spirit20 · 07/12/2024 00:11

rookiemere · 06/12/2024 20:27

Do this if you want, but I doubt the teacher will work out the subtle message and you are giving yourself a load of extra effort and will make it awkward to spend the vouchers- aren't most of them plastic cards these days anyhow.

Show quote history

As a teacher, I think this is a really nice idea. The messages will mean far more to the teacher than the money will. To be honest, I'd recommend doing this even if everyone does contribute. Trust me, the teacher won't care less if it makes it slightly more awkward to spend them - the cards will be what he/she treasures for years to come.

Merrymess · 07/12/2024 00:11

pollyglot · 07/12/2024 00:07

Merrymess · Yesterday 23:47

pollyglot · Yesterday 23:45
Just curious, those who have said $20 is excessive for a teacher's gift... what do people tip their hairdresser each time they have their hair done? Or isn't that a thing these days? 5 quid, 4 times a year, for example? Do parents not realise just how hard their child's teacher works to do their utmost for their kid? Is it not worth the same acknowledgement?

They get paid to do their job. They don't do it for free.

Well well well, who knew? Thanks for the information. So can you point me to your hairdresser who does not get paid? I'll happily tip them $5 for a free "do".

What about the 100s of other workers? Do you tip the supermarket checkout staff? The nurse? The Dr? The bus driver?etc They are not worthy of your generosity?

pollyglot · 07/12/2024 00:14

Why didn't you make that point then, that teachers are no more deserving than anyone of a tip, and that the practice should be outlawed?

MrsTerryPratchett · 07/12/2024 00:19

pollyglot · 07/12/2024 00:14

Why didn't you make that point then, that teachers are no more deserving than anyone of a tip, and that the practice should be outlawed?

I know the thread is about a private school, but the reason I don't think 'tipping' teachers is right is because they are government employees with a great deal of power.

Should we tip social workers? Doctors (who are more likely to be self-employed)? Council housing workers who make decisions about housing? It should all be frowned upon because bribing your hairdresser to do a good job or your waiter to be quick is fine. Bribing a government employee is not.

When it was a cute card or a pencil from the child, it's a token. Now it's a voucher for several hundred quid. Not OK.

Merrymess · 07/12/2024 00:19

pollyglot · 07/12/2024 00:14

Why didn't you make that point then, that teachers are no more deserving than anyone of a tip, and that the practice should be outlawed?

I did make the point.

pollyglot · 07/12/2024 00:35

Merrymess · Today 00:19

pollyglot · Today 00:14
Why didn't you make that point then, that teachers are no more deserving than anyone of a tip, and that the practice should be outlawed?

I did make the point.

Where was that, then?

pollyglot · 07/12/2024 00:45

Surprisingly, I have always valued the relationship my child has built up with the person who spends more waking hours during the working week with him than I. A gift is not a tip, nor a bribe, as has been suggested. It is an acknowledgement of the rapport, and indeed affection, than has grown up between human beings who spend so much time together. A teacher gives so much of him/herself - it is not merely a cool professional arrangement, and to equate it with that of a customer/checkout operator is risible.

Gustavo1 · 07/12/2024 00:48

Self important rubbish. Just sign the card from the class and use the money for a voucher. Don’t make work, stress and bother for yourself by chasing people. It really couldn’t matter less!

Jellybeanz456 · 07/12/2024 00:56

FedUpOFTightCF · 06/12/2024 20:40

@MJMJMJMJ - a small child who has been welcomed into my home many times and for treats (not reciprocated)

And that's the child's fault how??

LondonLawyer · 07/12/2024 01:08

Sunhatweather · 06/12/2024 20:49

Wow - my DC have been through preps and still at independents and I’ve never been asked to pay as much as £20. We were asked to contribute what we wanted from £5+, with the usual being £10.
I’d be organising my own present!
I don’t think it should be assumed that private school parents don’t have money worries and can cough up £20. Private school can make parents very cash poor!
I’d be sending her a message to say ‘deadline for contributions is X. If you wish to be included in the card, please could you pay by x latest’. I’d then send the card from everyone anyway, so the child isn’t excluded, but she will not know this.

Younger son is at a private primary. The suggested donation is £50. The last couple of times we've said thanks-but-no-thanks and our name's not on it. Doesn't bother me, We give a separate present.

MrsTerryPratchett · 07/12/2024 01:18

pollyglot · 07/12/2024 00:45

Surprisingly, I have always valued the relationship my child has built up with the person who spends more waking hours during the working week with him than I. A gift is not a tip, nor a bribe, as has been suggested. It is an acknowledgement of the rapport, and indeed affection, than has grown up between human beings who spend so much time together. A teacher gives so much of him/herself - it is not merely a cool professional arrangement, and to equate it with that of a customer/checkout operator is risible.

And I have a respectful, friendly, appreciative relationship with them. Bunging ever-increasing amount of cash in a voucher is just vulgar.

Candy24 · 07/12/2024 01:37

Honestly even $180 is decent for a gift. Chuck that kids name on the gift and leave it at that. Be a decent person because at the end of the day that is what people will remember.

m00rfarm · 07/12/2024 01:49

MJMJMJMJ · 06/12/2024 20:38

The only person you are singling out by excluding their name is a small child.

Hope it makes you proud to be that sort of person.

Edited

The teacher will obviously understand that it is the mother who has failed. THe small child won't have a clue as the teacher will not make them feel left out when she says thank you. Why should the organiser of the gift allow one person not to pay but still be part of it?

Angelou79 · 07/12/2024 02:25

I’d say
“you seem to be able to reply to text, bank transfer takes 45 seconds about the same,so while you’re doing this years contribution could you send £60 to cover the last two years you also missed! “

Calamitousness · 07/12/2024 03:24

Absolutely do not include her child’s name on gift. Just those that contributed and the personal messages from each sound lovely. If anyone is choosing to leave out the other child it’s their own mother. Not op.
And it’s to a teacher. She’s hardly going to exclude the child or feel differently about her. She knows it’s the mother who is being tight. Nothing wrong with that.

Pandersmum · 07/12/2024 05:40

Interesting thread. Clearly lots of CF’ers out there.
No issue from my perspective for names on a card only from those who gifted.

We all know friends who are always last (most frequently never) to the bar, but will happily accept a drink from you or who leave the restaurant 5 mins before the bill and drop in cash which is never quite enough and never covers a tip. Or come to a friends at home gathering with very hungry kids and no contribution.

She wasn’t short of cash or suffering from spousal financial abuse she was just mean and saving for her 4th rental property (that she was happy to tell everyone about).

I finally snapped at the year 13 mums night out. We walked into the the pub together and she told me what I could get her. I said I think it’s your turn to buy at which point she said she needed to go to the loo. 12 minutes she was away (and yes I did count) and when she returned I told her what she could get me from the bar. She was really pissed off that I hadn’t got the drinks. I then made sure to drink tap water for the rest of the evening.

Very petty of me I know. But I had had enough,

….. and guess what her son started to do the exact same thing when he and my son started going to bars. After the 2nd time of my son saying ‘X’ hangs back from the bar, I told my son to just buy his own.

I’m with you OP!

SpeculativeHoumous · 07/12/2024 06:13

curlywurlymum · 06/12/2024 22:49

Our state primary is doing £40 / child. I did think it was quite a bit but didn’t want to be the one complaining when the 30 other families weren’t.

Show quote history

Bloody hell what's wrong with people that they think that's an acceptable amount to ask of anyone?

SpeculativeHoumous · 07/12/2024 06:16

MrsTerryPratchett · 07/12/2024 00:19

I know the thread is about a private school, but the reason I don't think 'tipping' teachers is right is because they are government employees with a great deal of power.

Should we tip social workers? Doctors (who are more likely to be self-employed)? Council housing workers who make decisions about housing? It should all be frowned upon because bribing your hairdresser to do a good job or your waiter to be quick is fine. Bribing a government employee is not.

When it was a cute card or a pencil from the child, it's a token. Now it's a voucher for several hundred quid. Not OK.

Show quote history

I agree. I think there should be a limit on gifts you're allowed to give government employees.

It's all got very silly

Bournetilly · 07/12/2024 06:33

If she can’t afford it (seems like she can) all she has to do is tell you she will sort a present herself. She is clearly a CF who doesn’t want to pay.

Maybe ask the parents for a short message from each child to add to the card. Or say you are going to put children’s names in the card this year. The teacher will know it’s not the DCs fault but the gift is not from her DC if they don’t contribute.

Krampus13 · 07/12/2024 06:34

Busbygirl · 06/12/2024 21:51

I’m a teacher and feel so embarrassed when I’m given vouchers.
I’m already paid to do my job!
I’d much rather a handmade Christmas card or if you insist on a gift something small eg homemade marmalade.
I don’t know one teacher who thinks vouchers are a good idea.

I can’t agree with this. My daughter works in a private school in London and doesn’t have a lot of money. I know she very much appreciates being given vouchers by the parents, as do her colleagues. She is always grateful for the fact that the parents have made the effort to collect for her to show their appreciation.

Tink63 · 07/12/2024 06:39

I don’t think this woman is a freeloader, I think has the money or is restricted in her access to cash.

Appearances can be very deceptive.

icecreamscoops · 07/12/2024 06:48

I've been a teacher and if the class have done individual gifts, lovely. A collection then it's also great! If it was signed by the names excluded one I would absolutely judge the parent of that child not the collector! I've been on the side of the OP and it's very frustrating when parents suggest and agree on a collection and then don't bother contributing!