To stop DS going to a party as a punishment?

[nomoreparty]

DS trashing the house is a real issue - he just chucks cushions off the sofa, empties drawers of toys onto the floor - the house is permanently trashed and I’m fed up of it.

Today he went upstairs and threw the contents of the laundry basket everywhere along with the piles of clean washing and some old clothes from the spare room i was going to sell. It honestly looks like it’s been ransacked.

He was booked into a Christmas party tomorrow and I’m considering telling him he’s not going now. I’m absolutely fed up. AIBU?

Age?

Exactly!!

I would say they needed to help you clean it all up, and if they don't, you have to stay home to clean, so they won't be going out.

Age is important but I wouldn't punish the next day for something done today.

Nor would I punish the birthday child for my child's issue. Especially if the poor kid has a birthday this close to Xmas.

As pp said, give him the option to make a good choice and tidy it up otherwise the consequence is missing the party.

Sorry that would help. 4.

I can’t have him clean up. It’s taking hours and instructions him where this would go and that would go would take ten times longer.

Depends on his age but I'd make him help to clean it all up but I wouldn't stop him going to the party.

4? How did he did he make that much mess without someone noticing?

YABU
How did he do all this unsupervised? Repercussions for a 4 year old should be immediate, it is unreasonable to both him and the birthday child as others have said.

It wasn’t on my watch but either way i would have thought at four we don’t have to be in the same room as him all the time. I don’t know if my expectations are off but my friends children seem to be able to play upstairs while adults are downstairs without destroying the house. If my expectations are off that’s fair enough.

It’s not a birthday child - it’s just a Christmas party at a local village hall, run by the village committee.

It's not about him helping making it quicker - it's about him understanding how much work it takes to put right. I seriously suggest that you make him 'help' ( yes it will take longer) with at least one part of the clean up.

Parent the child in front of you

irrelevant how your friends children behave

No. You dont punish a 4 yo like that. You teach and support him sort his stuff. You are the grown up!

Bloody hell op I thought you were going to say 15 or something. Make him clean it up (supervised) and ban his screen time for a bit or something. The part of his brain for impulse control hasn’t even formed yet, that’s an unbelievably harsh punishment for such a small child!

I’d leave the party alone, assuming he will behave there and not trash it too. It’s completely unrelated.

I would be making him clear up every single bit of the mess he made first though. In fact he’d be doing that before the wifi, TV, devices etc went back on. And then every single time I discovered mess he’d made I’d call him immediately to come and sort it out - the only way my kids learnt to put things away, not dump out boxes of toys, not leave shoes in the doorway, flush the toilet etc etc was being inconvenienced themselves by having to sort it out. Even if it took ten times longer than if I did it for them I insisted they did it, it’s painful for everyone but me doing it for them would’ve meant they learnt nothing. I might help a bit but I wouldn’t be making it easy, quick or fun for them.

And no I don’t think your expectations are off - a NT four year old shouldn’t be randomly ransacking laundry baskets and dumping out all the clothes in the house - I’d expect that from a toddler maybe, not a reception age child.

At age 4, I’d go with natural consequences (helping tidy up, and also being told off/you being grumpy about all the mess). Sometimes when mine were little I’d be honest with them and say no, I don’t feel like playing trains right now because I’m upset about having had to clean crayon off the wall/mop up the water on the bathroom floor/whatever. It’s draining but probably best to supervise him more closely for a while so you can train him in not randomly emptying stuff (lots of praise when he puts something back/resists the temptation to create havoc). I wouldn’t stop him going to the party as it’s not really related and he’ll have long forgotten about the mess he made by then.

He didn’t ’destroy the house’, he messed up the washing. Are you always this harsh and dramatic?

@nomoreparty I have a soon to be 5 year old who was awful for this - he can still be crazy impulsive and tip stuff out/knock stuff over (especially post school with pent up energy) but he is MUCH better now than a few months ago.

We are very clear and consistent - he makes a mess, he helps to tidy. Explain - stops things getting lost/broken/him tripping up. It doesn't matter how long it takes, like pp said it's about being consistent so he learns the drill. D's will now even occasionally stop and ask "can I tip this toy box out" and we say yes but you're tidying it after. Sometimes it stops him. Sometimes he does it, but now tidied up after with very little fuss.

@nomoreparty My DCs didn’t play upstairs. They were part of the family downstairs. I suggest you don’t let him go upstairs unsupervised.

Does he understand “no”? Is his behaviour always this bad? I would have a small selection of toys downstairs and you need to keep a close eye on him and correct him. You need to punish immediately. So definitely tidy up with you. You need to be clear about expectations and keep an eye on him because you cannot trust him. I talked to my dc as they played nearby. You have ignored him so he’s naughty. Why send him upstairs at 4? Too young in my view. Get a toy box downstairs.

Yeah, I’d go with natural consequences here. Short time frame after the incident, and relevant - eg helping tidy away so he understands the time and effort it takes and can help make amends for his actions. At four, I wouldn’t be stopping the fun the next day as punishment for this

I literally can’t make him clear it up. When i say it would take hours i mean it. Even if he has the time, I don’t, it’s going to take forever anyway. Fair enough he will go to the party but I guess I’m just conscious he’s trashed everywhere and nothing has happened as a result.

Making him at least try and help clear up would mean something has happened. Putting the cushions back on the sofa, putting some toys back in the drawer.

It doesn’t matter if he’s not actually helping. He needs to think he is and know there is a fairly immediate consequence to his actions. A party tomorrow means nothing.