To stop DS going to a party as a punishment?

[nomoreparty]

DS trashing the house is a real issue - he just chucks cushions off the sofa, empties drawers of toys onto the floor - the house is permanently trashed and I’m fed up of it.

Today he went upstairs and threw the contents of the laundry basket everywhere along with the piles of clean washing and some old clothes from the spare room i was going to sell. It honestly looks like it’s been ransacked.

He was booked into a Christmas party tomorrow and I’m considering telling him he’s not going now. I’m absolutely fed up. AIBU?

I do understand why people are saying to make him clear up but I really cannot. I barely know where to start with it. It’s probably my fault as I had a huge box of clothes and old toys and they’ve been chucked all around the house, thrown absolutely everywhere, that’s not even starting on what he’s done to downstairs. We don’t have time tonight and I just cannot leave it like this, it’s horrendous.

Maybe not starting with quite such a big incident (though even then I’d make him do at least some) but things like throwing the cushions off the sofa, I’d make him. Even if it took ages the first time while we had a standoff about it. All he learns if you sort it out is he can do what he wants and his skivvy will sort it out.

Though actually if this didn’t happen on your watch, whose watch was it and why aren’t they fixing it/imposing consequences on him?

Too busy to supervise, too busy for natural consequences.

Those are your choices (for parenting) and you don't want either. Quick fix of punishing with a later, unrelated thing is the worst parenting except doing nothing.

And whose watch did it happen on? They should be doing this!

Well that's a lazy response from you I'm afraid, and he won't learn - remember your job as a parent is to help him learn the consequences of his actions. And not supervising a kid who clearly needs supervising is also a lazy way to parent.

Everywhere? Sorry you should watch him closer.

I am wondering how he not being watched properly? Whose watch?

Seriously, yes, you can make him help, it is a natural consequence for his actions. You are the grown up, you set the timetables and responsibilities.
Even if he doesn't have to do it all, have him help for a decent stretch of time so he understands actions have consequences.

If you don't do this stuff now, you teach them they run the house, can do what they want and nothing happens.
Imagine that behaviour happening when they are 7, or 12 , or 18 ? Lay the foundations now, or pay later...

Of course you can make him clear it up! Obviously not on his own but he absolutely needs to be involved in it.

You could at least get him to go round each room and move the clothes back to the room they were in.

Is this the first time he’s done this? Why would he? How could he without you knowing? You need to keep him close to you. I’d make him tidy up something in the morning. You should also talk to him immediately you found the mess. Immediately start him tidying. You have let him off with no immediate consequences. Is he now in bed?

I know some 4 year olds are fine to play out of sight and not wreck the place but unfortunately your 4 year old is not. Mine weren't either.

As annoying as it is, you need to supervise him more closely. Then when he does these things, the mess won't be so big that you can't enforce him tidying up which I do think is the right consequence

As I’ve said it wasn’t on my watch but yeah he trashes things whenever he can. Thanks.

Your unreasonable punishment to fit the crime get him tidying no matter how long it takes no party tomorrow is meaningless.....I thought you were going to say 11.

4!!
No.
That is not an appropriate punishment for a 4yo. You need immediate consequences not an event in the future. He just won't remember really. Not at that age. It will have no effect t on his behaviour because he won't link the two thinks together. He won't be able to think 'oh I'd better not make a mess because I won't get to go to parties' he's too young to be able to put things together like that.
Any punishment or consequences have to be immediate and about what he's done.
For instance removing toys if he won't pick them up. Not allowing him to go near the sofa if he can't stop trashing it etc
Stuff directly related to the issue.

He's not going to learn anything if you don't make him clean it up. When mine made a big mess I would normally help her but she's 8 I sit and watch her clean any extra mess up herself - she's knows that she has to clear any toys etc away and she has specific places to put things which helps. Who was supervising him when he made the mess as that seems the bigger problem

How is he able to ‘trash’ things
he is 4…. Who is allowing him to trash things?
Why is he be left alone to trash things?

But you're going to start so start with him helping one room at a time. He won't learn if you keep letting him get away with it.
Where were you while he was trashing the house why let him out of your sight if he keeps doing it?

As I’ve said I do think most four year olds I know would be able to go upstairs without completely trashing it but I accept my expectations are too high. I’m a bit calmer now but I was / am really upset when I saw the state of the place.

I assume you have dp problem, not parenting a 4 year old and leaving you to pick up the pieces?

Your expectations are off. What your friends do is irrelevant. Your child needs actively parenting. Normal level attention by the sounds of it.

My son (now ten) used to do stuff like this. And I used to feel just like you - I get it, it’s infuriating. Turns out my son has ADHD. In his brain, he’s not trashing the place. And he definitely does not see the mess the way I do. He barely sees it at all 😂 Not saying your son does, just worth considering.

Some can. My friend had one of these, I didn't.

But I supervised a LOT more than she did and DD learned that any messes were hers to clean up. Has to be done in a certain way though, depending on accidental or unthinking or deliberate.

You're avoiding saying whose watch it was. But from your exasperated tone, I'm guessing shit partner. Could be wrong.

Every child is different. When my eldest was 4 he could have been left on a different floor of the house and would have played nicely and probably looked at books. But my youngest needs more supervision and will just go with insane ideas-however dangerous!

But at 4 we would not punish next day for something done the day before. It would be immediate. A tantrum based in anger was a clear time out and naughtiness was about less screen time or a favourite toy on timeout for the rest of the day.

I think you need to accept your child needs more supervision but make sure actions have immediate consequences

A lot of 4 yo can't. No. Too high expectations.