To stop DS going to a party as a punishment?

[nomoreparty]

DS trashing the house is a real issue - he just chucks cushions off the sofa, empties drawers of toys onto the floor - the house is permanently trashed and I’m fed up of it.

Today he went upstairs and threw the contents of the laundry basket everywhere along with the piles of clean washing and some old clothes from the spare room i was going to sell. It honestly looks like it’s been ransacked.

He was booked into a Christmas party tomorrow and I’m considering telling him he’s not going now. I’m absolutely fed up. AIBU?

How is he meant to learn, otherwise? Of course he should help clean up, even if it inevitably makes it harder for you. It’s called parenting.

We can argue all night about whether he should clear it up or not and I think you’ll just have to take my word it’s way beyond the level of a four year old. I am trying to sort it now and it’s going to take me forever. I accepted quite early on in the thread missing the party wasn’t appropriate, and fair enough. So there probably isn’t much else to say.

But what about the person who was supposed to be caring for him? Why no mention of them?

Because I can’t do anything about that. I can explain everything but I know how it will go - it will be my fault somehow and maybe that’s true but there’s literally nothing I can do. And I’m trying to sort this awful, awful mess.

I’ve never got this far as my 4 year old still will not tolerate being left on his own. If there is someone else in the house he is bothering with them. But on the off chance he would be left alone he absolutely could not be unsupervised for more than a few minutes. There are a few of his friends who could, but the majority? No.

He’s 4, he doesn’t actually need to actually clean up though, just think that he has. Make him put it in piles for example. Utterly useless to you, but he would learn a lesson.

Apart from..... you and DP need to parent differently as your child's impulse control isn't advanced yet, and they probably need lots more 1 on 1 time with adults

I think you need to go on the relationships board and start a thread about your useless, I'm assuming, DP/DH who punishes you for time away from your child by letting him trash the house and leaves you to clean it up.

You need support with that. And the parenting. But that first.

Forget about MN - go sort the mess and do whatever you need to do to get through the rest of today.

then start again tomorrow

there isn’t a single one of us on here that hasn’t had a day where we weren’t at our best at parenting .

if today has been the worse day, then you know tomorrow will be better

take care and good luck

Did you not read the post? He also threw the sofa cushions on the floor. CALL THE POLICE.

How long was he left unsupervised op? Because he did not did do that level of destruction in 5/10 mins. Someone would have heard it from another floor.

Seriously wtf was going on?

Of course you can, unless there are significant SEN issues at play. If no SEN, you sound like you are scared of a 4 year old, which is very worrying.

You just tell him to pick up the things one by one; he'll not do it again.

If he did this whilst with someone else I would not trust them as far as I could throw them! They didn’t rake any care of him. What are the care arrangements? They simply aren’t good enough.

He will never learn if you take this approach. Short term pain for long term gain. You need to make him do it in order to go to the party. I know it will take you longer but it will help him learn, and you will eventually have to do it less often.

@FiveWhatByFiveWhat adult downstairs DS up. But to be honest yes, he could. I have seen him; he just manically empties drawers on the floor and then chucks them around the place. Many times I’ve been tempted to throw literally every possession he has away. It’s unlikely he’d care but it’s just in a desperate attempt to stop the house being wrecked. Stupidly, I put some cards in a drawer and moved the drawers in an attempt to make more room and he took them out and threw them everywhere.

Anyway, as I have said I’m calmer now. I just really need to sort this place out. The worst thing is it’s literally all I do, clean and tidy and I am so so sick of it!

Sorry no, that’s way over the top. Help him understand and do better in future instead.

Even if he does a little cleaning - his toys or his clothes or a bit of both he will think he’s helping and it’s a start.

How come you’re tidying it up? What about the adult who was supposed to be supervising when it happened? Why aren’t they tidying it up?

Who was the adult OP?

And to add to that - to ‘trash’ it as badly as you say he’d have to have been going at it - why aren’t you more angry the adult was nowhere to be found and your son could have been getting up to god knows what? If he’s as out to control as you seem to be implying surely you’re more worried for his safety?

Your expectations are way off.

And punishments don't really work. You teach them by correcting/ modelling/ explaining/ including in play...
Stop thinking he's doing this to wind you up or on purpose. He just needs more time to learn.

Yes it would. The first time.

He'd soon learn his actions have consequences and next time think twice.

You're not teaching him this, hence he thinks it's ok to do it.

If you want to teach your child something, anything even, you have to put in the time.

Is this just if left to his own devices? What happens if an adult is directly engaging him in play? Is he still this destructive?

Sounds like he's inherited your impulsively, OP. Put a stairgate at the bottom of the stairs and supervise him.