To stop DS going to a party as a punishment?

[nomoreparty]

DS trashing the house is a real issue - he just chucks cushions off the sofa, empties drawers of toys onto the floor - the house is permanently trashed and I’m fed up of it.

Today he went upstairs and threw the contents of the laundry basket everywhere along with the piles of clean washing and some old clothes from the spare room i was going to sell. It honestly looks like it’s been ransacked.

He was booked into a Christmas party tomorrow and I’m considering telling him he’s not going now. I’m absolutely fed up. AIBU?

As other posters have said there's no quick fix with behaviours, it's just consistent and immediate consequences at that age. Sending a hug though OP. Parenting toddlers can be hard work and relentless

Well maybe don't make him sort it, but he has to put it in a pile on the bed or something. So he's still clearing up and knowing what he did was wrong.

Most may be able to, but yours can't. You parent the child you have, not the child you think you ought to have.

If he did it earlier and you weren't there, who was watching him? Who hasn't made him clear it up? Seems like he's getting away with it. What's happened when he's done it before?

You can make him sort it out, or at least part of it. What's the reason you don't have time?

But yes most 4 year olds can play upstairs for a while with little to no supervision, you're not wrong about that. But until he can show he can play nicely and tidy up after himself then he shouldn't be allowed to

If nothing has happened, that's down to you.

At this age I wouldn't stop him from going to the party, but other nice things might be missing.

If it were me, I would leave the washing where it was so it doesn't just look like the fairies clean it up, and he understands that someone in the house has to sort it out. So if that means no trip to the park in the morning because you are busy tidying up, so be it.

But I wouldn't take a party away

There's also being left to play alone and being left to play alone

Even at 5, if I just sent my younger one upstairs to play, who knows what I would find afterwards

If I set him up with something, like Lego, suggest he tries to build blah blah, then I can usually leave him to it for a while - but even then I need to check in periodically

I am a bit baffled by you saying that you can’t make him clean it up. Why on earth not? You are the parent…

Do you want an actual photo @MrsTigerface ? Because for obvious reasons I can’t provide one but the attached might give an idea. Not the paint but everything else isn’t far off the mark.

here

Why are you blaming a 4 year old more than the person(s) who were supposed to be caring for him at the time? Why are they not doing the clearing up?

This.

But it’s in your hands to make something happen 👍. It doesn’t need to mean party cancelled, but there can be a smaller and more immediate consequence.
it’s probably too late now so draw a line under it today , for both of you , and tomorrow is a fresh start.

You sound frustrated and exhausted. It can make everything seem much worse when you are tired.

fresh start tomorrow , and when /if it happens again, immediate proportional response eg. “Now you have to help me tidy up” or “no tv until we have done this together”

good luck

You can break it down. Give him a box or a bag and ask him to put the soft toys in it. Ask him to make a pile of tops or of socks. Set a timer for 5 minutes and you pile up one thing while he does another.

You have a choice how to handle this, deal it in a proactive proportionate way. Don’t stop him going to the party. And whomever’s watch it is in future he needs much better supervision.

Do you get him involved with chores? Show him how to do stuff like laundry, cooking, dusting etc? He needs to be involved in how the household is run and play a part in it in an age appropriate way. Maybe he’ll be less interested in making a mess.

@nomoreparty has the person ‘supervising’ him offered to help or indeed explained how they let this happen?

Also my top parenting tip that almost never failed me with my two -

A child will do almost anything you ask them to do if you turn it into a race

100% this! ⬆️

To have made as much mess as you say with the pictures provided that's a problem with supervision, he hasn't been watched at all and has been allowed to continue just going in everything and emptying everything, and when he DOES do that he has no consequences there and then or a way to learn from that behaviour - even if this takes hours, make him pick up 3-4 things and emphasise this will have to happen every time he makes a mess. But has to be there and then, not stopping him from going to a party the next day , its pointless, he will be angry and upset and have no idea it's related to his behaviour the previous day, and it won't change nor will he learn from being kept back that the reason was because of him being messy.

A 4yo 'helping' does not need to be actually helpful though, does it? You're using it as a consequence. Rather than getting to do what he wants he is with you, bored, cleaning up. Do you mean he will refuse to do it?

He must have been left unsupervised for a very long time to cause that much destruction. Was he alone? The adult asleep? Because there's no way he's done all that in 5 minutes.

Oh this sounds very much like a DH/DP problem. Don’t blame your 4 year old for their failure to parent. Mine is 3 and would chuck all the cushions on the floor and throw his toys around if I let him but I’m always nearby and as others have said, you need direct consequences (i.e. picking them up). It is painful to watch especially if you are in a rush and they are absolutely useless but you just need to do it.

Yabu
He is 4
He is a tiny child who for whatever reason has been left loose
You are treating him as a much older child
He needed supervision
He needs to put three toys In toybox To make a point
Whoever was (not) supervising tidies up

Children do daft things
Draw on walls etcetc are you going to get mad if he ever does that?
Teach do not punish

He's 4.
If B happens as a result of A, it needs to happen directly after A. B happening tomorrow will not be a punishment for A, because he won't link the two together, even if he remembers A happening, which is by no means certain! Even if you stopped him going to the party tomorrow, he would likely have no understanding that it is a result of his behaviour today.

"DS trashing the house is a real issue - he just chucks cushions off the sofa, empties drawers of toys onto the floor - the house is permanently trashed and I’m fed up of it." "I can’t have him clean up. It’s taking hours and instructions him where this would go would take ten times longer." You've missed the point though.

So, tidying takes hours, and I guess annoys and bores you, so why do you tidy? Ever? Why don't you just leave the mess? In fact, why don't you join him in trashing stuff? You could chuck cushions, or empty stuff out of drawers - why don't you? My guess is:

• you like to be able to find stuff when you (or he) needs it?
• you don't want you or others to trip over it?
• you don't want it to get stepped on or broken?
• you like the house to look tidy maybe when people come round?

You need to teach him these things. You need to get him to put the stuff he's trashed away, and talk to him about why it needs to be away. You need him to see it takes hours. You don't need to necessarily make him tidy everything, but expect him to spend a while helping and as you go teach him why he needs to do better and how he can.

Your 4 year old is not being parented properly.

You/your DP know that your child has no impulse control therefore you and DP, as the adults , should make sure your child is supervised adequately until he DOES have impulse control

It doesn't matter what other 4 year olds do.....your child is as they are, and YOU have to supervise appropriately

I'm amazed that you are considering punishing your child when you ALREADY KNOW that they can't stop creating mess atm ......your bad, you need to parent differently

I know you've said, more than once, that he can't help you clean up, because it isn't really helping and will make a long job even longer. That is true but, as others have pointed out, he won't learn if he never has to clean up his own mess. He can easily put the sofa cushions back on the sofa. Maybe they won't be in exactly the right place, but he can do it. You can bring a box and the laundry basket into the room you choose to start in and hand him items, telling him which go in the 'sell on ebay' box and which go in the clean laundry pile. Really, at this point in the evening, I wouldn't bother getting everything absolutely perfect. Separated into piles in the spare room is good enough until tomorrow.

What is your punishment for the person who was supervising ?
They can tidy up while you go out to the party

For that level of destruction to happen was he alone in the house or something?! The kid is FOUR. Punish whoever wasn’t watching him. he’s probably trashing things for attention because you aren’t giving him enough as he seems to be expected to spend a fair bit of time alone which is really not normal at that age.