To stop DS going to a party as a punishment?

[nomoreparty]

DS trashing the house is a real issue - he just chucks cushions off the sofa, empties drawers of toys onto the floor - the house is permanently trashed and I’m fed up of it.

Today he went upstairs and threw the contents of the laundry basket everywhere along with the piles of clean washing and some old clothes from the spare room i was going to sell. It honestly looks like it’s been ransacked.

He was booked into a Christmas party tomorrow and I’m considering telling him he’s not going now. I’m absolutely fed up. AIBU?

Why isn’t whoever was meant to be watching him clearing up the mess?

And why on Earth would your child creating a mess make you feel like a failure as a wife?!

I suspect I know the answer to both of those questions. In which case, this thread is about the wrong issue. You have far more serious problems than a bit of mess.

hes 4? you recll thats not very long of being three yes?n thats really little. At 4 ds2 ha3 big plastic toy crates -empty them was essential cos he want to make them trin carriages n sit in one...Is esier all round if you pick a "tidy up song,lets pack wy-not sure "this train is bound for glory"was the best choice.high fives nd good temwork.prise,prise n praise-positivity is their scene.
Waash basket-why?to get a row?\naughty? id be call ok stinky sox here,black heap,white heap .etc...
how wre is he bout tomorrows party?4 yer olds tend to like them tho? threatening and blame cos messy be ineffectual Consequence-(punishment bit ott) if refuse help untrash hs to be-right now. one toy box put elsewhere now you only get two . stick to it,will bite back probli but next day is 2 box day if helps tidy wins back box privilidge -itsd wearing but if stick to-not getting wound up n boundrys be easier.
you said frinds children? i alwys think 2or more easier than 1-is he play\trsh solo?

I would say he is either bored or hyper stimulated from ipad or tv time. Or a combination of both.

I would not stop him going to a party for this. My child can throw things etc. I usually remove the item from him and re direct attention with an activitylike colouring. I doubt he is doing it to be deliberately nasty. So don't be nasty back.

My ds sounds very similar to yours and your post really resonated with me!

You have left him alone long enough for him to do that, what would happen if he turned the gas cooker on? When left alone, if you watch him this won't happen. I also would make him tidy it up and let him go to the party.

Then get onto the adult who was on watch and read the riot act because if this is a real comparison they were drunk/drugged/asleep or out.

Exactly

Why did he do this?
Angry? Frustrated? Bored?

You need an explanation from whoever was watching him?

4 makes a difference. I wouldn't make missing the party the punishment at that age. Cleaning everything up would be the punishment. You help a tiny bit but the majority done by him. If he doesn't want to tidy it again then he doesn't make the mess in the first place. If he refuses he sits on the step. He'll be tidying it anyway so he decides if he wants to sit in silence before he does it or not.

Every child is different. One out of my four did this. He tidied it all himself. If they don't put things back where they're meant to go they don't learn. It's not fun for mummy to tidy up things that have already been tidied away.

If he has made that much mess in temper he is probably not in the right mindset for a party tbh. Have a more boring weekend without stimulation and sort your house out.

And lock the spare room. No need for him to be in there so put a lock on it if you know he has form. Adapt the environment so he cannot cause this amount of chaos

YABU as if would be rude to the host (expense time effort to organise the party) and not fair on the birthday child

YANBU to show consequences for actions but they need to be immediate and proportionate

All children are not the same. Some kids are easy - others aren't. It sounds to me like you have (a) a child who isn't and (b) unrealistic expectations. Your son needs more scaffolding than the average child, not punishment.

I have 2 children who were extremely challenging. I adopted them and I was so naive about what would help - I had to wisen up quickly!

I would suggest:

More supervision generally
More sensory activities - throwing stuff is often a sensory thing so you might want to see a paediatric Occupational therapist or check out a book like The Out of Synch Child, which gives exercises you can do
De-escalation techniques when things start going wrong rather than threats of punishment - in the moment he won't care.
Don't think that punishments will turn things round. You will just end up constantly punishing him!

Good luck

That's the trade off for not supervising.

I'm not having a pop, but having a child makes life harder, not easier, so of course you feel like you are failing, because you have unrealistic hopes about what you can achieve.

Whe you are in charge of your child, that is your sole responsibility. If you're trying to get ahead on the house, something else will fall apart. Its a constant trade off and you should be expecting to do a lot of hoise stuff when your husband is home or when your son is in bed.

Please take time to reset your expectations.

Who will be happier if you dint go to the party? You had kids because you wanted to have some fun with them..you can't punish him for literally finding his own entertainment when left to his own devices. Is your husband putting unrealistic expectations on you?

I have a 4 year old and I think that would be far too harsh for making a mess. My 4 year old is always making a mess but it’s not deliberate, she’ll empty out a drawer of toys looking for something etc, doesn’t particularly like tidying up but I usually say I’m not opening the playdough, train track, Barbie box etc until the other toys are off the floor and tidied away. If it was a case of purposefully making a mess and breaking things I would say xyz toy goes away if she can’t take care of things. No way would I stop her going to a party.
if she’s refusing to tidy I get her almost 2 year old brother to put stuff in the box and make a big song and dance about how clever he is tidying up and he will get a sticker for being a good boy, that gets her moving pretty quick!!

Punishment at that age needs to be immediate and related to the issue. You're past being immediate though.
I understand it's going to take longer if you ask him to help clear it up but it's important he understands that actions have consequences. Let him help you tidy. He's thrown three set of clothes (clean, dirty, charity shop/Vinted everywhere?) so he can help scoop everything into one big pile. You can then put two big baskets at opposite ends of the room and you sort through, he takes each item to the right pile. It's not about doing it quicker yourself