To stop DS going to a party as a punishment?

[nomoreparty]

DS trashing the house is a real issue - he just chucks cushions off the sofa, empties drawers of toys onto the floor - the house is permanently trashed and I’m fed up of it.

Today he went upstairs and threw the contents of the laundry basket everywhere along with the piles of clean washing and some old clothes from the spare room i was going to sell. It honestly looks like it’s been ransacked.

He was booked into a Christmas party tomorrow and I’m considering telling him he’s not going now. I’m absolutely fed up. AIBU?

It doesn't have to take much longer tidying up with him helping than without. You don't have to give him big tasks, or even useful ones - he just needs to feel he's having to help. If you've got a big pile of clothes to sort into clean/dirty/to sell, just put the receptacle for the dirty/to sell ones in different places. He brings you things, you keep the clean ones and fold them ready to put away, and pile the others to give him one at a time to put in the right place. He'll be kept busy walking backwards and forwards until you've got all the clean ones sorted. And it all needs to be done before bedtime, and no more messing things up if he wants to go to the party. (Removing the party as an unrelated consequence would be harsh, but giving him due warning that everything needs to be tidy to go is not unreasonable.)

(He's probably in bed by now, but for next time...)

It sounds like he needs more exercise. Wear him out with very long walks/bike rides/swims/ play ground sessions.

Reasonable thing to do. This is not neglect such as leaving things on the floor.

Stick to your guns OP.

That really isn’t what he did.

There was a huge box in the spare room which was organised quite well with clothes of different sizes / gender (yes I know MN) ready to be sent to buyers on Vinted, toys, books and so on, it isn’t that he’s thrown a few of them around.

Christmas decorations have been torn down and chucked round, books thrown around, drawers emptied of underwear, socks etc. So old clothes are muddled in with new, dirty washing with clean, added to that tornado is decorations and toys and books and cards and my clothes and … you get the picture. People barking at me to parent and tell him that this cardigan needs to be folded and put back in this place … we can’t do it.

I obviously won’t be calling the police but I am upset and feeling like a massive failure as a parent, wife, everything. I cannot for the life of me understand why literally everything is in such complete disarray when all I do is clean and tidy. It’s horrible, really has an effect on my temper and mental health. Anyway, that’s gone off the original subject a bit.

How the hell was a 4yo able to get all this done without anyone noticing and stopping?

I think k the 4yo isn't the problem.

Of course the four year old isn't. That's why OP is not saying who was actually 'watching' him...

We’ve established that, thanks.

I just don't understand why you would leave a child who creates destruction alone......to create destruction

I simply don't understand why you'd do this

You're not a failure. The looker afterer is.

I agree with PPs that 4yo should be involved in some of the clean up.

Yet your solution is to take it on the child.

That's why OP is not saying who was actually 'watching' him...

My worry is that the reason she won't name the adult is that the adult is abusive to her.

What do you mean what goes where taking hours. Cushions, toys.

Yes. I agree.

But the child needs 1 to 1 supervision, regardless

4…. YABU

You keep missing the point OP, it’s not about him tidying it all up but him doing a couple of small bits as a natural consequence. He can be doing that alongside you doing the actual proper tidying

Mmmm. I did it to my 14yo, after telling him that if a specific unwanted behaviour continued, he would not be attending his friends house. At 4, I got them to help tidy up. It doesn't have to be all of it but he's not too young to learn the direct consequences of his actions. Ie until all the decorations are put back/toys in their boxes/clothes are piled in the corner, you're not watching tv/playing etc.

But... if your child is behaving like this all the time, I would look at what else is happening in the household. If all the 'wife work' is falling to you and your husband/partner is not supervising his child adequately, it could be your son is attention seeking.

Sad you’re putting the blame on a 4 year old tbh

assume your reluctance to answer is you’re another mumsnetter saddled with a waste of space partner

Christmas decorations have been torn down and chucked round, books thrown around, drawers emptied of underwear, socks etc. So old clothes are muddled in with new, dirty washing with clean, added to that tornado is decorations and toys and books and cards and my clothes and … you get the picture

DS1 has high functioning autism and I’m pretty confident will also receive an adhd diagnosis at 6. He’s capable of being really full on, destructive and he needs exercising like a dog. Despite this, I don’t recognise this behaviour. It’s extremely hard work, but he is both supervised and stimulated near constantly when he’s awake to keep him regulated.

Kindly, either your DS is having his needs for physical activity and adult attention met and still behaves like this, which I think would warrant a chat with school/nursery/HV…or he’s not having his needs met and this is the resulting behaviour.

4, 4, 4 years old? are you actually being serious @nomoreparty

At that age, punishment/accountability needs to be in the moment. It needs to understand why he's acted that way and teaching him not to do it. Banning him from going will be too late and is probably causing more upset than it's worth.

either your DS is having his needs for physical activity and adult attention met and still behaves like this, which I think would warrant a chat with school/nursery/HV…or he’s not having his needs met and this is the resulting behaviour

Came here to say this OP. Either way, I feel sorry for your 4 year old. The mess you describe sounds pretty similar to what my own 4 year old is capable of!

I only sort now and again. Otherwise just lob it into baskets boxes most of the time. I've two grandsons who were like this and two grand daughters. My DIL is smart. She puts away some Christmas presents for a time bringing them out occasionally to play with then they go away again.

Sorry you've had such a bad day, @nomoreparty . We've all been there.

Chin up - it won't always be like that. Sending you a <gin> and an unmumsnetty hug. Don't let the people who just want to put the boot in get you down <flowers>

I don't think you're being unreasonable at all. I would expect to be able to leave a four year old in a room on their own for a short time, and I wouldn't expect them to make a mess on that scale without repercussions. I think missing a party is a reasonable punishment and hopefully he will learn thst there are consequences to his behaviour.

The child is not the problem, whoever was meant to be watching him and wasn't is the problem. Some children can play and not make a mess, others can't. You know he needs to be watched closely, so don't leave him unsupervised. My 3rd child was one who would also dump out the whole toy basket, so I stored most things away where he can't get to, and if he wants something different to play with he needs to help pack up the toy cars first etc. he should "help" tidy up even if it's not actually helping you- that is the natural consequence for the behavior so that he realizes how much work it is (even if it's actually tasks that aren't that helpful to you, that how he will learn) making him miss the party isn't going to make sense to him at 4.