To be absolutely furious with my father?

[PortaSix]

My father and is wife are both in their 50’s and are having another baby. None of my business, it’s not what I would want to do but it’s up to them.

We were at a family gathering and the subject of death came up and what would happen with our children. My dad then announced “oh I just assumed Porta would take them in”

Like, wtf?! Did he not think this was a conversation to have BEFORE having babies in old age? They have a 10 year old, a 3 year old and now another one on the way.

I’ve had my babies. I had mine in my early 20’s so that my 40 my kids will be grown. I do not want to take on any ther children. I am so mad that he just thought I would take on his children like this without any sort of discussion. Aibu?

I beg your finest pardon.. If that was my dad & his partner I’d be making it extremely extremely clear that I would not be taking on their children if anything were to happen & the fact they have just assumed you’d do this is completely & utterly crazy & completely unfair to you & those children. Very thoughtless for everyone but themselves.

Easy to say when you've never raised kids.

I think you may have misunderstood my post...

I don't think so...You were asking whether money would make the OP change her mind?

@WearyAuldWumman @JingleB Yes, all parents, regardless of their age, should take out life insurance that will provide for their children just in case. We had our children in our 30’s and still took out life insurance- none of us know what might happen to us.

Just tell him assume makes an ass out of u and me.....to quote Stephen king

Well yes, of course they could change their minds. It’s impossible to legislate for that. But the point is, they have, as things stand, agreed. OP has not only not agreed to do this - she hasn’t even been asked.

It’s incredibly easy to be judgemental when there’s no possibility of it happening to you.

I think a lot of people are missing the point.

The chances of them both pegging out before their 70's are quite slim. I mean yes it could happen, but it would be unlikely.

The issue is that their plan for if such a thing should happen is based on the OP having no plans of her own, putting her own life on hold to care for three bereaved children and just assuming she would roll with it.

They have never asked her! Its the assumption that she wouldnt question this at all thats the problem and it would piss me off massively too!

They are thoughtless and feckless and down right bloody stupid. Mother nature gave us menopause for a reason!

Two doctors who had a child when they were early twenties, and have continued to have children via IVF well into their fifties? This seems like a mad unusual (and presumably identifiable) situation. Especially as you also had a baby at 20 and have somehow managed to buy multiple properties for them both since.

YANBU OP!

Yes anyone can die young and tragically leave their children as orphans, but I think sadly the older you are, the more likely that becomes.

No one should be expected to take someone else’s children in, without being asked, and you’d have the right to say no to whoever asked you this. But I do think its quite different if it’s a sibling (or other family member) asking because they’d trust you with this task, versus a couple in their 50s who you don’t have a great relationship with anyway just assuming you’ll do it because you’re related!

Sounds like the mother who had IVF is the second wife, so the OP's step mother. The siblings are her half siblings.

I am from ym dads first marriage, hence I said my dad and his wife, not my mother.

Surely the fertilised eggs date back 11 years?

I agree with you in a random situation that's unlikely, like two younger parents being killed in a car crash, or both of a married couple dying of cancer in their 30s or 40s, but your parent PLANNING for you to take on your siblings because they decided to have them too late to be alive for their whole childhood is totally selfish and a burden no-one should land on another.

I'm child-free and fully understand it.

If they're having a child in their 50s, they'll be in the 70s by the time the child is independent. It's totally irresponsible to assume you can mitigate the risks as you age by relying on their older own children to pick up the potential fallout of such a selfish decision.

You could suggest that they have substantial life insurance so that any children not over 18 can go to boarding school if they are in that situation. This might work if the children are teenagers then they only need someone to go to in holidays. If they are much younger then probably better for them to either find someone willing to be a guardian or put them up for adoption.

Even if you were a guardian you don't have to care for them yourselves, you can just be the person who makes decisions such as agreeing that Freddie can live with his friend Max's parents and you pay them a stipend from his inheritance. I am in no way saying you should feel obliged to care for them should it be needed, merely highlighting that guardianship doesn't always mean you are the person they live with.

I was having regular periods until 53, could easily have got pregnant, no medical miracle just nightmare biology. Thankfully dh had the snip years ago and we had the dc in our 30s

Would you be willing to be a guardian? Ie, distribute money for the care of each child regularly, from funds that would be left to them?

I was childfree by choice when DH’s best mate/best man decided to nominate us to be the guardians of their 4 children, all under 5, without any discussion.

Did later go on to have DD and DH got a message from his mate’s wife when he told them about the pregnancy that we should have consulted with them because they now couldn’t have their children sent to us should they both die because “we wouldn’t love them like our own”.

I said they should have consulted with us before nominating us in the first place, that we never agreed to it and had we remained child free, might not be the best parents to a ready made and traumatised family anyway.

They haven’t been on the same plane together since. 😂

@thatsnotmyname: that's the most entitled thing I've heard in all my life!

A colleague had an unexpected child in her early 50s. He’s younger than her grandson. She definitely didn’t use IVF, it can happen, no medical miracles needed. Unlikely, I guess.

A friend made me guardian for her 3 before telling me. Trouble is, they live 5 hours away ‘back home’. I’d have had to drop everything, I couldn’t have uprooted them from their home had anything happened to their parents. It felt very concerning, so I think the OP needs the honest convo with her dad.

I would not be 'happy to see siblings go into care' but that doesn't mean id just take them in.
I imagine most people would be extremely upset and distressed if it came to it.
Id want to stay in their lives, but i don't think id just be able to take in more children, related or not

Can't believe more people aren't tripping over the comments saying 'if you take them in you might get a stack of cash, so you should do it'. Are they trolls and I have no trolldar? Coz that's some wild shit to say out loud.