To be absolutely furious with my father?

[PortaSix]

My father and is wife are both in their 50’s and are having another baby. None of my business, it’s not what I would want to do but it’s up to them.

We were at a family gathering and the subject of death came up and what would happen with our children. My dad then announced “oh I just assumed Porta would take them in”

Like, wtf?! Did he not think this was a conversation to have BEFORE having babies in old age? They have a 10 year old, a 3 year old and now another one on the way.

I’ve had my babies. I had mine in my early 20’s so that my 40 my kids will be grown. I do not want to take on any ther children. I am so mad that he just thought I would take on his children like this without any sort of discussion. Aibu?

Hell no

Sorry kids, your selfish Grandad and his wife have dumped your uncles on us so out standard of living will plummet now and don't even THINK about us giving you money for Uni.
Unless of course your Dad is a multi millionaire OP and the kids come with enough money for everyone - I probably still wouldn't do it though

That's a very trite and patronising thing to say actually when you aren't even potentially in this situation.

Am I the only person considering the added danger to the mother, giving birth at such an advanced age? A few posters have said that the father's wife is only 50 and will probably live long enough to see her children grow up. She has to get through the birth first.

I don't think many people have intentions of dying young. Anything can happen, an accident, cancer or another illness. You do hear of people in their 40s, 50s dying while their kids are still dependants.

She hadn't said that when I posted. I assumed a half decent relationship based on the conversation taking place at a family event.

NB I still said that the OP is not obligated in any way to care for her father's children.

Addressing OP specifically (in case she needs any more PsOV) - I have one kid. I wanted more. I like to think I'd do this for any of my siblings, who all have wee kids now. But I'm bloody tired, man. There's some shit hitting the fan in my life right now and I've already cut back on some other commitments. I can also say, I have some experience as a child who lost a parent young. I've seen the effect of taking on extra kids, in reverse (my grandparents helped my Dad out, my brother was still being measured in months old) but moreso on my stepmum, who tried her best, but my brother and I both have knock on effects from this. We've reacted in different ways. She was a very stressed lady - and she chose to join the family! She had one son already. I think because he had both parents, and his mum was his primary carer still, while things were sometimes tricky for him he had a v different experience to us.

You, one, society, should not be advocating for kids going to live with someone who isn't geared up to care for them wholly and without resentment.

I think the OP meant they have no intention of the second part - leaving their kids to their own son to look after.

Unfortunately, someone of my acquaintance lost her husband to an aggressive cancer when he was only in his late 30s. It does happen.

In the case of my husband's daughter, fortunately her child is now safely through uni and working. However, there was definitely trauma attached to losing the father.

Apart from anything else, as I said above, he put absolutely nothing in place. It took more than two years to sort out all the legal matters. His ex wife wanted half the house plus all his pension. (She was chancing her arm with the house. It was actually the daughter's.)

The daughter expected her husband's adult children to support their young sibling's claim to the pension and was, I think, rather shocked when they explained that they had to support their mother.

Through all this, my impression was the child was looking after my husband's daughter, rather than the other way round. The daughter was pole axed. I find it baffling, but she had absolutely no expectation that a partner 20+ years her senior might leave her on her own with a young child.

That’s nasty!! The dad has admittedly acted quite delusional here but that’s uncalled for. I can’t imagine the OP would like it if her children were spoken about like this.

Would you like it if your children were spoken about like this?

Yeah I’d assume the mother is somewhere around 50-52 and the embryos that became the three year old and this new baby were created in the same retrieval as the ten year old when she was in her early forties?

I wouldn’t personally have children into my 50s. However it gives me pause for thought about why not, because given the choice between being raised by a 50 year old doctor who wanted me enough to go through IVF, or a 20 old girl a couple of years out of school, I’d choose to have the 50 year old Mum. We call older parents selfish very easily, but fewer people point out that conceiving very young, too young to have gained qualifications, living on little money, often living with own parents or in laws etc, is just as selfish.

In this case I’d just tell Dad you aren’t prepared to take them and suggest he writes an alternative guardianship into his will.

It's absolutely not outrageous at all.

The father needs to understand that he would be failing in his duty to mot appropriately safeguard his children.
If he chooses OP. He effectively places his children in care.

“oh I just assumed Porta would take them in”
He's just softening you up here @PortaSix, his endgame is that you'll be providing free childcare for them.
(I'd be moving away!!)

I don't think that anyone would like it...but sometimes you need to be blunt.

In my own case, I didn't seek out IVF to have children. I was in my 30s when I got married; DH was just over 20 yrs older.

The "what arrangements to make for children" was always on my mind, but it didn't matter in the end.

Prior to the final realisation that it wasn't happening, the one thing that I did manage to do was to set aside enough money to put my non-existent children through university.

You assume outside of a tragedy (which could happen to a 20 year old or 50 year old say fatal house fire or car crash etc...) two 50 year olds are BOTH going to keel over dead in the next 8 or so years?

Are you seriously more worried about an insanely low chance scenario (that you don't even have to accept) impinging on your freedom than you are of the thought that your parents would have both had to have died young in a horrible way and your family is literally falling apart at the seems.

No they do not have to talk to you, its THEIR fertility, THEIR body, THEIR choice and this is a wild 'if, buts and coconuts' argument.

I'm childfree by choice and I would absolutely not take in anyone else's kids - siblings or not. In fact I know my sister made other arrangements in her will for her children when they were young because she knew and understood this. Fortunately nobody in my family has made any such stupid decisions as to have yet more children in their 50s.

Another thing that’s wild to me is that he knows how incredibly frustrated I found it when my mum had a baby at 16 and I basically became a mother to that baby. He was happy to slag my mum off at the time and now he’s theoretically doing the same thing. Times 3.

It was his choice to have babies in old age. Ridiculous assumption to think you'd take on the burden. He should have asked permission from you then before having kids if he was going to saddle you with the responsibility.

I didn't know that people could do IVF that old? Sorry, I don't know much about it. I'm not able to have kids I don't think, and don't want them. But I thought there was an age limit? Isn't pregnancy really dangerous for someone that age? Or is there a surrogate who carries the child? I'm not being obtuse on purpose, I'm just surprised.

Anyway of course you don't have to care for a kid you've never even met yet. Just say they're an arsehole? 🤣

Regardless, it's not your responsibility and they know it. I'm hoping it was an incredibly crass misplaced attempt at a joke.

My mum died when I was ten and my Dad was in very poor health at the time. He ended up living until I was 40 but if he passed away when I was still a child I would hate to think my brother and I would have ended up in care because no family member could be arsed to take us in.

I'd think she will have an elective c/section at that age though that's not without risk either! In their profession, they should know these things!

They probably have a nanny too, to take some of the grunt work out of it!

I can't get my head around the idea of being pregnant and having a newborn in my 50s!

Your poor siblings for finding out that you really don’t care about them

I care about them but not enough to sacrifice my own kids and my life for.

Oh do wise up! She barely knows them apart from anything else.

Caring about them does not equal caring for them!!!

So who would you have expected to "be arsed" to take you?