To be absolutely furious with my father?

[PortaSix]

My father and is wife are both in their 50’s and are having another baby. None of my business, it’s not what I would want to do but it’s up to them.

We were at a family gathering and the subject of death came up and what would happen with our children. My dad then announced “oh I just assumed Porta would take them in”

Like, wtf?! Did he not think this was a conversation to have BEFORE having babies in old age? They have a 10 year old, a 3 year old and now another one on the way.

I’ve had my babies. I had mine in my early 20’s so that my 40 my kids will be grown. I do not want to take on any ther children. I am so mad that he just thought I would take on his children like this without any sort of discussion. Aibu?

i don’t see a shred of motherly instinct on this thread where the majority of you so called mothers would happily watch your siblings be thrown into a care system because “I’ve had my babies already”… I cannot imagine being so cold towards another child never mind one that shares my DNA. You’re all WILD (except from the 2% that would agree with me)

Some of us are not mothers ( 'so called' or otherwise) and have every intention of keeping it that way.

Who did you choose to care for your children if you were to die?

Soo putting the boot into the OP.

Totally agree with SnoopyDoggyDog what the hell

Crikey I'm with you OP no way would i be responsible. As a side note, I feel exhausted at the thought of having kids in my 50s!!! Are they super fit and healthy? I found it tiring enough at 28 🤣

Lifespans have increased due to a number of factors, including better nutrition and advances in healthcare.

Still, women had been having children well into their 40s prior to these advances. And of course men were fathering children well beyond that too.

Erm no, I asked a simple questions. If the OP would be fine with her dad refusing to look after her kids if he was the only family member able to, then she has every right to refuse too. But somehow I doubt the answer to this question is yes.

I agree. I’ve known several women ( all friends of my mum) who got unexpectedly pregnant in their fifties. It’s no miracle; it’s just not heard of so much because all of them decided they were too far along the path of life to keep the pregnancy, and none of them spoke widely about it, including in two cases not even telling their grown Dc. (One had a dd getting married and didn’t want to be heavily pregnant at her wedding. It was just as well actually as ironically the DD had huge fertility issues over the next few years which she found very traumatic and would have found it very hard if her mum had a young baby/toddler.) Eta of course I don’t know the pregnancies would have resulted in a healthy birth; but that’s not why they ended

"Plopped" 🤣🤣🤣🤣

I hear you, but I think the main beef people have is that the father just presumed his daughter would look after his child. It's a mammoth task to raise a kid and tbh you have to have a heart to do it. I have had kids just dumped on me to raise. And I love them and have a heart for it so it's a huge blessing as I adore the kids. But someone else is trying to dump their out of control teenager on me now and I don't want to do it. So I'm not going to. But there's a lot of pressure! Other people can't put that on you. You got to want to do it.
So my point is the OP doesn't want to do it..so that's ok. Hopefully there will be someone who will if the need arose. The dad is totally wrong to just think that ahe would do that without even having the respect to ask her how she would feel about it first. She's her own person and allowed to say no.
That's my tuppence worth 👍

It’s expressions like that that leave us all utterly unprepared for the reality!

If you and your partner died, wouldn’t you expect your parents to do everything possible for your children, health allowing? Despite having very much been there and done that with their own children with grandchildren ans undeniable evidence, and themselves being older now by definition. Even if that werent taking them in as they are too old, everyone I know would do what they were able to. Any normal family would, without having discussed it. I agree he should have discussed it and thought of multiple people and options and it’s bloody stupid not to have, but the idea that there is no way the op would get involved is really really cold.

I have arranged and secured care for my children upon our passing. This includes enthusiastic and willing guardians.

OP is neither of those things.
Also, its common for care to flow certain ways in family trees

Being burdened with unwanted half siblings is different to the shared greif of losing a child and so providing security for much loved grandchildren.

You and others can pull whatever Whataboutery out of your arses the bottom line is. That I would hand on heart allow kids to go into care who I didn't care much about.
The only thing they share is some basic genetics.

OP has a life. And all the children she wants.
That's rightfully her priority.

Also any family would do it? Pull the other one. You're either naive or.....Well.

The care system is over full capacity. You don't think those kids have a single functional biological relative?
People make this exact valid argument every single day. And they're not wrong.for doing it.

I’ve read the full thread now and if I were the op I’d have an honest conversation with your dad where you said remember all the shit you gave mum about having another baby and me having to care for it? You’re older and it’s even sillier. Make solid plans for the children’s care, which don’t involve publicly announcing to the daughter you weren’t a great dad to and you’ve told her she won’t inherit anything that she’s also your replacement parent plan for your kids. You are an idiot to not have thought about this at your age.

but I can also see why she might just not be bothered to try and talk to him. Although if they did both die id stay in touch with the half siblings who didn’t ask for any of this. Children shouldn’t have to pay for the faults of their parents.

I'm sorry but having your own children informs your decision in a way that you can't possibly know if you don't have any! It's not a criticism; it's just a fact!

I think you must be reading something different to all of the other posters!!!

Becoming a parent in your 50s is selfish!! And how many 20 year olds have you ever heard of being hit by a bus?

Your whole premise is utterly unreasonable and totally wrong. The OP's issue is that her father expects her to pick up the slack with his young family which he's had at an age when most people are becoming grandparents not parents.

Not only that, but he has just assumed it, and not even asked her.

Comprende now?!

The OP sounds like she's made really sensible and thoughtful decisions for her own family. Nobody has to take on the responsibility for other people's children if they don't want to. That's a decision that you make according to your own beliefs and conscience together with the practical considerations. And yes, they would have to discuss and agree to it, not just be expected to take on the role.

I don't think the age of the OP's parents is the crucial factor. People die at all ages and a 20 something could leave a child behind just as could a 50 odd year old.

My parents were older and are still living independently in our old family home at almost 90, full facalties and no significant illnesses. A school friend's mum had her at 21 and died of a terminal illness when thw friend was 15. So from personal experience I'm aware that there are no guarantees. We all just do the best we can.

Your Mum had a baby at 16? And you became a Mum to that baby? Eh?

Maybe that's because our "motherly instinct" extends only to our own birth children? And because that "motherly instinct" leads us to protect our own kids and take into consideration the likely impact on them of taking someone else's children?

I'm sorry but the idea of taking on another woman's children fills me with horror and I am glad that it's never going to happen.

Could be wrong here, but op do you think your thread has a wrongly worded title?

Do you think that rather than furious, you actually feel hurt?

@PortaSix

I am a bit confused about this bit, how old was your Mum when she had you? Apologies if I a bit confused.

"Another thing that’s wild to me is that he knows how incredibly frustrated I found it when my mum had a baby at 16 and I basically became a mother to that baby."

Why is it selfish to have a child at 50, in your opinion? I'm 50 and mum to a 3 year old. I don't think I'm being selfish, but I could be wrong!

I don't even think it's wrong for them to be procreating in itself at their ages. What is wrong is just expecting (without asking, or any kind of discussion) the OP to take the children in, should anything happen to them both.

If they had checked/asked first and received a positive response, then fine to go ahead and try for another child. It's the automatic expectation that rubs up the wrong way here.

The OPs mum had a baby when she was 16.