To be absolutely furious with my father?

[PortaSix]

My father and is wife are both in their 50’s and are having another baby. None of my business, it’s not what I would want to do but it’s up to them.

We were at a family gathering and the subject of death came up and what would happen with our children. My dad then announced “oh I just assumed Porta would take them in”

Like, wtf?! Did he not think this was a conversation to have BEFORE having babies in old age? They have a 10 year old, a 3 year old and now another one on the way.

I’ve had my babies. I had mine in my early 20’s so that my 40 my kids will be grown. I do not want to take on any ther children. I am so mad that he just thought I would take on his children like this without any sort of discussion. Aibu?

I would bet money that most people with young children don't have wills.

No of course not. But it nonetheless puts the person in an awkward position to decline and, given I don’t think it sounds as though the father was a very full time figure for op, it’s a bit rich he would ( without even asking before presuming) expect her to take on his Dc full time. It’s more than he did for op. I can see why she’s put out. He sounds a presumptuous user.

It's purely speculation, it's nothing to get het up about.

This.
Unless it's a surrogate?

Your Dad sounds really selfish, and the new wife wanting to have a baby in her 50's is delusional.

they already have kids- why have more when they will be geriatric when those kids are young adults.

So utterly selfish.

You would send your siblings into the care system rather than look after them? Wow. Thats brutal.

Half siblings.
That I have no relationship with?
After raising my own children. Planning my own life?

Absolutely.

Me too.
The link is genetics.
No way would I entertain it.
Neither would my husband who has zero connection to them.

Her father has never been around for her.
Just another selfish loser thinking he gets to decide.

Not a fxxking chance would I do it and Inwould be spelling it out to him.

When I was growing up, all my relatives lived into the eighties and beyond. It came as a total shock to lose both before they hit 65. My Mum had wanted another but realised that she might leave behind a primary aged child. Or be doing the University thing in her late sixties or early seventies! She'd also have been horrified at the idea that I'd somehow of taken them on. It's not just one child either, it's three!

Your Dad is being a shortsighted fool. I'm sure you wouldn't want them abandoned but he can't assume you'd be able to take them on.

certainly medical miracle.!!

Don't have to have kids to understand.
Just because someone has a different opinion, doesn't mean they don't understand.

There are childless people who agree and those who don't.

Same as some people with kids have said they'd not let their siblings go into care and some who would.

I've known someone take on a friend's child even though she had 4 of her own.

And a family member with two kids refuse to take a opharned only child as it would be too much for her.

It's a personal choice, not a childless/parent choice and dismissing someone's point based on being childless isn't great.

"Nikitaspearlearring · Yesterday 13:59
In your situation, the DW would have to become incapable of looking after them, as well as your dad. It's very unlikely to happen. He should've talked to you before mentioning it, but sounds as if he was put on the spot."

"lenpea · Yesterday 14:01
If they are in their 50s, chances are that at least one of them will survive long enough for the baby to reach adulthood, so it's all hypothetical now and I wouldn't worry too much about it."

Sensible words here.
They have the right to make their own decisions and you are not committed to anything - so although it was annoying of him to say it, it's not worth you getting too upset over a spur-of-the-moment remark.

My knees and the rest!!

Would you have expected your family to look after your kids if anything happened to you when they were younger? If you can honestly say you'd have had no issue with them ending up in care then yeah, say no.

Actually if your dad is in your 50s and you in your 30s or whatever then your children aren't even adults yet. So I'd rephrase my question as: if anything happened and your mum/other relatives weren't able to help, would you be absolutely fine with your dad putting your kids into care?

He should have discussed it with you and consider other options because it sounds like you are not open to this should anything happen to your DF and DSM.

The OP has already stated that she has put arrangements in place for her own children.

If those arrangements fell through then (due to illness/death etc).

Erm... this ENTIRE post.

You are literally posting slagging of their family planning and making it all about you and your opinions on how being an older parent is being 'selfish'.

'I think risking not being there for those big milestones is inherently selfish'

Despite the fact that they could easily have another 40 years left just as a 20 year old with a newborn might get hit by a bus.

Statistic say 56% don't have a will.

Many of those that do might not be legal either, I have unfortunately lost most my family and found several of their wills had silly mistakes and did not meet legal criteria and could not be 'legally' upheld despite being drawn up by solicitors/will companies.

That said you can say 'I leave my kids to x' but the courts cannot force 'x' to take guardianship anyway.

Its also mind blowingly amazing the amount of people that think 'god parents' automatically get custody of the children if parents die... which is not and never has been true.

Really? Why would you bet that? Surely most people with dependents think about what would happen if they weren’t around?

So what you’re saying is that the OP should have TWO plans in place, in case her nominated guardians for her children pre-decease her - yet it’s for her father to have none?

Why won’t your dad be giving you inheritance? Did he say this? And the younger siblings will get the lions share? And after saying this he wants you to bring them up if both parents die?

That was the impression I got! No wonder she’s fed up.

I do think you owe it to him to tell him though op. Every parent, no matter how tough it is, has to have this conversation with the people they would hope would step up. And if they haven’t had the conversation and got a yes, they haven’t got it sorted. In his case, the conversation would yield a “no.” You need to tell him.

Why do people keep saying it's a medical miracle?
Because if it is why am I still taking a contraceptive pill at 54? Oh yeah, because I'm still having periods.
& it would also be extremely selfish to become parents in our 50s & expect my adult children to look after them if something happens.