To be absolutely furious with my father?

[PortaSix]

My father and is wife are both in their 50’s and are having another baby. None of my business, it’s not what I would want to do but it’s up to them.

We were at a family gathering and the subject of death came up and what would happen with our children. My dad then announced “oh I just assumed Porta would take them in”

Like, wtf?! Did he not think this was a conversation to have BEFORE having babies in old age? They have a 10 year old, a 3 year old and now another one on the way.

I’ve had my babies. I had mine in my early 20’s so that my 40 my kids will be grown. I do not want to take on any ther children. I am so mad that he just thought I would take on his children like this without any sort of discussion. Aibu?

On average based on life expectancy at birth.
Most people who died young died as babies or young children
Once you made it to age 5 your life expectancy wasn't that bad. There are plenty of people who died in their 80s in graveyards

Who are these people who would love to take the children in? Children over age 5 are very unlikely to be adopted. They're probably going to move around the care system until 16, more than likely be split up.from siblings and then be out on their own

So then surely you can understand childfree relatives might have the same reservations?

You shouldn't feel guilt! I had my youngest when I was 40, and do I feel guilt? Do I fuck! Early 20s now and has had (and still has!) the best of everything that love and money could provide! I went through hell to have him including two heartbreaking miscarriages and I have no regrets and neither should you! x

The only children that I would have taken on would have been my youngest sister's two, and that's because our two families have grown up close together, and the cousins are very close. I know my sister would have taken mine on if need be. The other sister is LC/NC with most of our family, for reasons best known only to herself, but I wouldn't take her boys on because I don't even know them. Her DH's family seems to be close to them so it wouldn't be an issue.

Equally I wouldn't have taken on DH's sister's child, because I don't know him either - but I am sure that plenty of her DP's relatives would have done it because they are much closer.

Fuck it, I probably wouldn't have left a distressed, bereaved child to go into care, but equally TF, I will never be in that position!

Ain't they stupid!!!

Doesn't seem that long ago when you get to my age. (My parents were born in the mid 1920s.)

Oh come off it. Let's stop pretending that the OP having children in her earlier 20s is the same as her father having children in his 50s. She at least has made plans. Her father, who statistically is much less likely to make it to his children's adulthood has not made any plans.

How bloody selfish of them to be having babies at their age! My parents were 40 & 45 and I ended up losing one of them at 26 and my childhood was thoroughly boring as they were knackered by toddlerhood! So incredibly selfish

Some women go through menopause late so maybe she’s one of them?

But it is a long time ago! My dad was born in 1925. My mum was born in 1943 (huge age gap relationship but they were devoted to each other!)

You can't be that old @WearyAuldWumman? I'm 61 and I fucking hate it!

I’m coming up for 65. I wouldn’t mind so much if my knees worked!

What on earth are you talking about?

They're unbelievably selfish having a child in their 50s so I am not surprised that they're selfish in other ways too. Not your circus, not your monkeys. They should have used the ivf money on therapy!

Yes your father sounds totally self-absorbed op.

I wouldn’t undertake to take on his inappropriately young children either BUT, given that, I do think you owe it to him to clarify that so they can make other arrangements. It’s only fair. I’d say I wasn’t sure if you were joking or not, but I want to give you the chance to put appropriate plans in place.

Cruel to be kind @Berlinlover

It's probably not going to happen, that they both die young.
You do need to ask them to make sure that they have good life insurance and to have a plan for what would happen.

In another ten years the oldest of their children could be a carer but would need a large pot of money to help.
Boarding school for part of the year could be an option.

Because it's quite normal NOT to have this sort of discussion. I certainly haven't.

And because the OP has not actually had any obligations placed upon her.
In the unlikely event that both her father and his wife die, it is entirely up to OP to decide if and how much support she wants to give their children.

But she hasn't been 'designated as legal guardian'. You can't be forced to be a legal guardian.

Even if her father named her as guardian in his will, which would be a bit batshit without discussing it first, she would only acquire parental responsibility if she consented.

No one has suggested otherwise, @AnnaFrith. The point is that the first the OP even heard of the idea was her father saying he’d assume that’s what would happen.

Because it's quite normal NOT to have this sort of discussion. I certainly haven't.

It really isn’t. Everyone I know with young children has discussed this and made stipulations in their wills.

Normally when you make a Will your lawyer will ask you to specify guardians and the strong advice is to ask them first.

You may hate to think that could be the case, but it is, no matter how much you dislike it. I was in fairly similar circumstances and indeed had to move out at 17 and had no home for years after - someone took me in at first and then I managed to rent.

It's pure luck if things go well, though most people really don't like to face that. But you can only speak for yourself. Guilt tripping the OP because she doesn't want to (putatively) take on 3 extra children she barely knows (300 miles away!) for a father she hardly sees and who was a poor father when she was young is really not ok.

He's out of order. Well his new wife must be younger so she can deal with them.

They have a 10 year old already.
Why on earth go for more.
She must have family near her.

Of course, but if somebody specifies you without asking, you are under no obligation to take on the role.