Colleague has complained about me using wrong pronouns

[CandyCane103]

Name changed but have been on mn for a fair while now.

I work in a role which requires me to do casework supporting vulnerable people. I am supporting a member of staff with some cases that fall under my specialism. We've always got along well and I've really enjoyed working with her. I've been here a number of years, she is 6 months in. One of her cases is a non binary person, and she emails me occasionally for advice as it is a long and complex case (has been ongoing for months now since before she joined the team). I usually get it right but have occasionally written 'she' by accident. They have a female name and I am not intentionally using 'she', it just naturally happens. Instead of speaking to me about it, she has made a complaint to my line manager, who has had a word. Line manager was fine about it and it wasn't a telling off. More of a passing on a message.

Now feels very awkward and think my line managers advice to her was that she should speak to me in the first instance. I really want to raise with my colleague that she should have spoken to me instead of running straight to my line manager. Not sure how to handle this as I've never had a complaint from a member of staff and it has ruffled my feathers.

Would you just leave it be?

If you have been working with this colleague for 6 months, she could’ve mentioned this to you face to face it you get on. If you used correct pronouns in most of the document she will most likely know this was an accidental error. As others have said she wanted to get you into trouble for whatever reason. Maybe she has an eye on your job?
Either way, if she needs help do the bare minimum so as not to get into trouble. No extra leg work. If she makes a mistake (and we all do) send an email pointing out the mistake to her with a formal tone, or even tell on her if you want to make a point.
I think I would be very cool and professional with her and no warmth now going forward. Send the message of “play silly games win silly prizes” !

I am not going to be generous about this colleague.

They are a TRA wanker who thinks they are doing the right thing by punishing you for not faultlessly following their orthodoxy.

Fair enough.

You read it but failed to take the time to comprehend it before condemning the OP. Better?

I absolutely wouldn't raise it. I'd completely ignore it unless the colleague brings it up. Then I would say 'oh did you not know procedures for dealing with such things correctly in this company - you should have spoken to me about this prior to a manager. Never mind you'll know to get it right next time - everybody makes mistakes'

Then just proof read your emails v carefully. Maybe even start referring to everyone as they/them (although to me that looks quite rude it seems to be becoming more popular)

I think most people would agree that it doesn’t make sense. I’ll continue using he/him/she/her as my preference. Other people can refer to themselves according to their own preferences

This action (reporting on you for a slight thing behind your back) gives you valuable information about your colleague. This is a person you cannot trust - who is perhaps actively out to harm you- and one you should not help into any promotion around you!

It also tells you something about your boss who seems to have respect for you.

Does the new information confirm what you thought about the colleague? If not - be cautious about your judgement of people at work.

Do you not understand that the colleague who made the complaint and the service user who is non-binary are two different people? The colleague expressly uses she/her pronouns so it is appropriate to refer to her as such. It doesn't seem that you've read or understood the situation properly.

She’s showing her cards - she is trying to create trouble for you and is best kept at arms length on extremely professional terms. If she wasn’t being a backstabbing trouble maker, she’d just have mentioned it to you. Keep your distance and watch your step around her.

You do you, but do so in the knowledge that it's your own beliefs driving that usage, and don't try to justify it by invoking false "grammar rules".

Brilliant, I love this!

I really hate that people are having to deal with this narcissistic, power playing bollocks.

God help those in HR.

I would try to have as little as possible to do with this person from now on. I would avoid conversation with them and correspond in the most formal emails possible.

They are trying to trip you up and it's horrible behaviour. Don't give them an inch.

The problem is that using they can become confusing in a sentence. So using it for single person for example or several people, when used in the same sentence. So a silly example. They were walking down the street, saw some friends and then they went to the pub. Did all of them go to the pub, or just the single person? I agree that using names solves the problem, but using he/she for singular and they for plural is far less confusing.

I love the idea of a non-binary person using a woman-only service 😁

Are they not committing literal violence against themselves in doing so? 😂

Nor was it done to ‘deliberately trigger’ anyone!

I think your colleague has shown their true colours. They could have spoken to you direct but preferred to score points with management at your expense.
Be polite , double check your work before you send anything to them in future. They have two faces and sound ambitious.

I would raise it nicely with your colleague. And just say your manager spoke to you and brought her concern to your attention and that if there's anything in future she needs to raise you hope she'll feel able to raise it with you directly.

If she's genuinely very confrontation avoidant she may have felt very unsure how to go about this or the best wording to use or been worried about your reaction etc so she's chosen the 'safer option' by making your boss the messenger. By calling this out gently you're telling her you welcome her input and will be receptive to it going forwards. So hopefully she'll honour that.

If she's a bit more scheming and she's done this to undermine you in front of your boss or to make herself look good then I'd still do the same because you're holding her to account and requesting a professional courtesy which she's left out. It also means that you're letting her know you aren't afraid to call her out directly on things which will make her more hesitant to mess with you in future.

This is how I've played it any time I've dealt with similar and it's always nipped it in the bud. The key is to be nice and professional and make sure you're coming across as being really supportive and lovely about it so it can't be put back on you.

God, I loathe it when people go straight to your line manager about things rather than acting like an adult and speaking in person/emailing you directly. They’ll be the same people who copy in your line manager for everything.

It’s pathetic and I bet they were the sort of people who were always running to the teacher at school.

This is bang on, she needs her card marked. I would avoid this little shitehawk as much as possible from now on.

I think I would say - apologies I got this wrong, it was not intentional. I would rather you came to me. Very hard to argue with that. I remember a colleague once did same to me and I thought it was fair enough - different as me and her boss were peers (I didn't actually think he would speak to her about small matter I had mentioned). Then you have made your point and just leave it.

Yeah I've also been the other employee in this scenario and had to pass on something to my manager (similar line of work) - my concern was that the other employee was burning out and their use of language was a symptom of that so i went to their manager instead of them because I didn't think they'd hear me out and felt that they would dismiss me. Plus I felt they needed extra support.

I had meant it to be a supportive thing but it obviously didn't come across that way and it was a learning experience for me in how i should have handled it and its not a mistake I've made since. I wouldn't automatically jump to the conclusion that she's out to get you. Just address it and then draw a line under it and continue as normal. If it happens again then I think you've grounds to keep an eye out for her.

Crazy how your charity only supports women, yet there is a non binary person accessing the service, it shouldn't be open to them if they are choosing not to be a woman.

As for the colleague, I would give a wide berth. Certainly don't help her with her complex cases anymore, what a CF

Before you send an email, do find and replace. Find all the she or he and replace with they

use they for everyone going forward unless you have confirmation use he or she as a pronoun

What are your respective ages ?

I've found that younger people in the workforce expect me to be against using people's preferred pronouns.

I'm not, but just like I sometimes still say "queen" instead of "king" when referring to our current monarch, I slip up because of what my mind is conditioned to over many years.

I find their attitude ageist. Hmmmm perhaps I should speak to their line manager.

Stay clear. Don't help HER anymore. Do the bare minimum. Document everything. She's a snake, this is not about pronouns

I have nothing to ‘justify’