Colleague has complained about me using wrong pronouns

[CandyCane103]

Name changed but have been on mn for a fair while now.

I work in a role which requires me to do casework supporting vulnerable people. I am supporting a member of staff with some cases that fall under my specialism. We've always got along well and I've really enjoyed working with her. I've been here a number of years, she is 6 months in. One of her cases is a non binary person, and she emails me occasionally for advice as it is a long and complex case (has been ongoing for months now since before she joined the team). I usually get it right but have occasionally written 'she' by accident. They have a female name and I am not intentionally using 'she', it just naturally happens. Instead of speaking to me about it, she has made a complaint to my line manager, who has had a word. Line manager was fine about it and it wasn't a telling off. More of a passing on a message.

Now feels very awkward and think my line managers advice to her was that she should speak to me in the first instance. I really want to raise with my colleague that she should have spoken to me instead of running straight to my line manager. Not sure how to handle this as I've never had a complaint from a member of staff and it has ruffled my feathers.

Would you just leave it be?

Tell me you didn’t read the post without telling me 🤣

This too. Make sure you are very careful. Document anything that she says that you think is untoward. Make sure you have your evidence if she ever turns nasty.

Exactly this!

As PPs have said, be very careful around this colleague. Definitely do not allude to her complaint, either in writing or verbally. She is not your friend. Do keep a record of anything “off” in her behaviour towards you in future.

You say "and think my line managers advice to her was that she should speak to me in the first instance."

If you can be sure that your LM did this then you have the upper hand (since your colleague went behind your back I consider it fair game to stoop to this level in this instance, as unprofessional as it might be).

Hold your head up, say nothing and carry on doing your job. Newbie will probably be feeling embarrassed.

How absolutely ridiculous. Your colleague sounds like a right pain. No appreciation that you are actually helping her! The best thing to do is probably just leave it. BUT, I don't know if I would!. This would really bother me. I would probably say in conversation that manager had mentioned it and ask did she not feel comfortable just saying to me herself? You realise its no big deal and obviously was just a typing mistake, but please feel free to approach me on any such things! And do you have any other concerns you want to address while we're here?
Cc her into email response too!
What a dickhead.- with little to worry about!

and she emails me occasionally for advice as it is a long and complex case (has been ongoing for months now since before she joined the team).

If it's not a formal part of your role to support her - I'd forward any future e-mails to the line manager with something along line I've been offering support for months as a colleague but x colleague is still asking for advice - she clearly need more support than I can offer.

If she does it in person - well I'll mention to line manager that you are struggling.

If your formal role does have an element of support towards x colleague it will be harder - I'd say be professional be brief and put everything in writing - even if it's a conversation/phone call send an e-mail to her with details of what you think was said to her.

I suspect pronouns is a convenient cover for a someone wanting to get ahead over your body as it were.

Interesting similar situation peaked DH - binary student was happy they were using mix of labels in person vs paperwork- other colleagues following stated uni rules someone else in office complained without speaking to anyone involved - went up and down management for months cause HE student issues - destroyed a lot of good will in office got very nasty - DH only protection was he'd followed guideline and had e-email and paper trail to back him up because he did the arse covering above at first sign of trouble - someone finally realised original complaint hadn't even spoke to student or staff.

I'm not surprised to see you here!

She doesn't seem that distressed to me she seems more annoyed.

Where have I denied her dignity or respect?

two different things

The pronoun issue - it is difficult when you're not used to doing it automatically. I've had a similar case myself and it's automatic to write he/she. Not exactly the same but I'm also bilingual and one language genders nouns and has different forms for plural and singular 'you' whereas English doesn't, and it's very easy to make mistakes or need to pause for a minute when you're switching between them. I can understand why it's important to get it right in this case - the client could potentially do an FOI on their files and if they complain it's ultimately your colleague's case and thus her responsibility. A pp's suggestion of checking everything with find and replace whenever you need to work on that case is a good one.

However, the fact that your colleague raised a fairly small issue to a manager rather than speaking to you first is the main issue, and I can see why you're annoyed. Surely mentioning it first to you is normal workplace etiquette? If she had mentioned it to you several times already and you were still doing it, that would be the time to escalate but doesn't sound as if that were the case. I'd struggle to feel the same way about said colleague in the future.

As a pp said, I wouldn't go above and beyond trying to help this colleague in the future. Obviously not refuse to help to the extent it would impact the client - but whereas before if she'd asked you a question, you might have responded immediately, referring her to legislation or relevant guidance, explaining what it meant, and perhaps giving examples of how you'd implemented it in previous cases, then now I'd wait a day or two before responding and just send the link to the guidance. If she's so keen on taking initiative she can do her own work. Handholding is something you do to new starters who don't know how the organisation works - if she's now confident in her work to the point where she now thinks she knows best and can go over your head to 'tell' on you to your manager, she doesn't need that intensive help anymore.

The latest in the long line of “I’m GC, but” TRAs 🤣🤣

Nice try, but no cigar 🤷🏻‍♀️

So now not only do non binary people get to dictate our language, cause people to get reported to managers for using correct biological language, but in addition no posts about an experience someone had about getting reported for an honest mistake are allowed on Mumsnet? Bloody hell, you are the thought police.

Why do people with GC views haven no rights anymore? Freedom of speech, thoughts and accurate language is no longer allowed. I despair. Perhaps if non binary people just happily lived their lives and didn't try to force the world to obey the perceptions they have of themselves in their heads people wounldn't have strong views either way. Thought and speech control is never going to make any free thinking group happy.

I think people fall into several camps with pronouns. Your colleague is in the group that thinks it's incredibly important (but I would bet she gets it wrong sometimes) and I suspect you are a professional, courteous person who intends to use a person's preferred pronouns but has occasionally slipped up because you haven't had to routinely use anything other than she at work previously.
I can half see her point as she might not be comfortable with correcting you, but it's a bit twattish to escalate to your boss.
In future I would be careful with your interactions with her as she's obviously going to report you for any minor misdemeanor.
Next time you speak I would reference this and offer an acknowledgement that you got the pronouns wrong and will check your email before sending in future. Can you just refer to the client by name when speaking?
Tread carefully with this one. She's not your friend.

If I have understood correctly you used incorrect pronouns when discussing this person with a colleague not with the person directly and that your colleague complained to you manager rather than just speaking to you.
This would really piss me off and I would make a passive aggressive comment on how it might take me a but longer to get back to her on this case as I will have to re-read correspondence to ensure pronouns are correct and does not raise further complaints.
It's really pathetic and people on here suggesting you should get another job due to a simple error are ridiculous.

This is an extremely facile response. How can you judge someone's level of distress at being complained about when trying to help that colleague at their rrequest?

Welcome to the level of reading comprehension you can expect to find on AIBU 🥹 Doesn’t stop them from weighing in self-righteously though.

I'm as entitled to be on threads as you are : )

I’m so glad I chose to jack work in for a simple life. I honestly couldn’t put up with this batshittery 🤯
You sound like you’re doing a great job and have done for many years. She should have been grateful for your invaluable advice and experience….. because it won’t be as forthcoming in future 😏 xx

I'm petty so I would act very passive agressive from now on. Be extremely busy when collegue needs help and show my distance in my cordial but cold replies.

But it's just crazy, isn't it? An organisation working for women only and where you have to be extremely careful to not name a woman who is in denial about being a woman "she". 🤯😓

By ‘diversity training’ do you mean brainwashing? Most places are sacking off EDI depts because of the nonsense they spout.

Well according to @SassK she is clearly very distressed so is it easy to judge her level of distress or not?

You've made yourself look silly.

There's no such thing as non-binary. I and many others have long asked non-binary people to define what non-binary means and none of them can because it's a vague feeling. It's a way they designate themselves as special and needy, and usually correlates with autism or MH issues.

You don't have to believe in any of this identity politics nonsense and you are legally covered if you don't. The Forstater case set the precedent and if your colleague continues to make things difficult for you then you can legally and rightly accuse her of harassing you.

It's up to you to decide whether you want to use the 'demanded' pronouns or not. If you get into the habit of only using her name 'I went to Kai's house, her Kai's mother was there... Kai's teachers have reported concerns about her Kai...' you can stay within your self-righteous colleague's rules while irritating her because you're refusing to use pronouns.

Everyone, even those who believe in this gender identity shite, makes mistakes. I've watch several court cases in which even the legal team supporting the NB or trans claimant, trip over their pronouns all the time. It's a non-issue, but it says an awful lot about your colleague, who you now know is a gender identity activist.

I'd be icily formal with her from now on and ask not to be teamed with her again. It's like being paired with a colleague who's out to stab you in the back. Good luck.

Well you failed to read the OP before condemning her thread. I'd say that is pretty disrespectful.

What makes you think I didn't read it?