Colleague has complained about me using wrong pronouns

[CandyCane103]

Name changed but have been on mn for a fair while now.

I work in a role which requires me to do casework supporting vulnerable people. I am supporting a member of staff with some cases that fall under my specialism. We've always got along well and I've really enjoyed working with her. I've been here a number of years, she is 6 months in. One of her cases is a non binary person, and she emails me occasionally for advice as it is a long and complex case (has been ongoing for months now since before she joined the team). I usually get it right but have occasionally written 'she' by accident. They have a female name and I am not intentionally using 'she', it just naturally happens. Instead of speaking to me about it, she has made a complaint to my line manager, who has had a word. Line manager was fine about it and it wasn't a telling off. More of a passing on a message.

Now feels very awkward and think my line managers advice to her was that she should speak to me in the first instance. I really want to raise with my colleague that she should have spoken to me instead of running straight to my line manager. Not sure how to handle this as I've never had a complaint from a member of staff and it has ruffled my feathers.

Would you just leave it be?

The problem with pronouns isn't that people have chosen to use different ones, it's more the threat of being ostracised if you make a mistake. Maybe I'm old but I'm nervous to address new people these days in case I've got it wrong and they get mortally offended. I can't help but question how the hec did society get to this point?

You didn't mean for it happen OP, it was an accident. Don't blame yourself. Your colleague was very underhand and I think acted very unkindly. I would be very cool with them and definitely keep them at arms length.

She's shown you her true colours, so I would be extremely careful dealing with her going forwards.

On the next interaction, I would make a point of saying that "I hope there are no mistakes in this email, I would hate to cause offence with a slip of the keyboard again".

OP didn't make a mistake though. She accurately used the word she when describing a woman.

She's not angry at being wrong, as she wasn't. Shes angry at her twatty colleague for making a fuss about nothing.

I'd agree with that. You simply cannot trust this person.

I wouldnt raise it with your colleague, but I would no longer help her with her clients any more than I absolutely had to. I wouldnt trust her.
Vast vast majority of people, even if they will use someones non-binary pronouns, do not actually believe someone is neither male nor female. Most people think its silly.

Ignore.

She has a problem with reality that's not yours to fix.

The OP is the one who has been 'bashed' by a colleague for an entirely unintentional mistake, and it's left her feeling vulnerable and uneasy around this colleague. Is it really that hard for you to show someone, who is clearly distressed, at least a tiny bit of dignity and respect?

I'm tickled by the fact that in your post you managed to get 'her' (ger) wrong while telling OP how simple it is to get right

The fact is that it isn't. There's something called the stroop test. Google it. You have to read a word, for example RED but it is written in purple. Or you have to name the colour of the writing. It's MUCH easier to read RED when it's written in red or name the colour of the letters when the word matches. It's the same with sex. We are reading SHE from the person's sex, while being told to say THEY or HE. We have been trained from birth to correctly sex people and use the corresponding pronoun. Relearning that and suppressing it is like the stroop test. It's more difficult, it takes processing power and it's not infallible.

It's a system 1 and 2 processing issue. Pronouns are typically system 1 thinking, automatic, little processing. Having to process sex and pronouns being different is system 2, conscious and requiring effort. And when OP is working on a difficult, complex, sensitive issue, she's using a lot of system 2 processing for that. Her brain is trying to use its processing power for the task at hand so there's less left for pronouns.

It's fairly basic psychology.

I think @lateatwork nailed it on the first page with:

"This isn't about pronouns. She wants you to think it's about pronouns. You are tying yourself up in knots over pronouns. If it really was about pronouns she would have told you directly. This is about her undermining you. Whispering in your boss' ear. She is planting seeds."

Even if it's NOT like this and it was perfectly innocent, it certainly looks like she purposely set out to undermine you, so take it as a warning. Your colleague is not your friend.

Don't get sidetracked into pronouns politics.

I really wouldn't refer to it and I'd distance myself as much as I possibly can from this colleague, having seen second hand the chaos this ideology can cause to professional, compassionate women's lives, once its adherents take against you. The women's sector is absolutely rammed full of genderist activists for whom helping women is distinctly secondary, if even a consideration.

Don't even do that, just ignore, make sure not to give any ammunition in future, and be on your guard. A colleague like this will save that kind of email and use it as part of a bullying accusation down the line.

Say nothing to the colleague who complained, OP. Not a word. And particularly not in writing. Don't apologise, don't self-flagellate, don't justify or excuse. Only then can you know for a fact that nothing you've said can be misconstrued or twisted against you.

People like this should be handled with extreme caution, IME. Keep your distance as much as possible.

Absobloominglutely.

This would boil my brain. I’d refuse to do it and refer to all people by their name, as pp suggested.

I’m so glad I’m no longer in the workforce. If someone asked me my pronoun I’d tell them to fuck off.

Ugh colleague sounds like a brown nosing busybody. You weren't misgendering the person, you made a few errors.

Yes, definitely tell her that if she has an issue she can come to you first, as manager has already told her. I would just be coldly polite to colleague from now on but do the bare minimum, don't help her beyond what is strictly necessary.

And I would refer to the person by her name from now.

I recall the late Steve Wright employing this tactic when interviewing Eddie Izzard on his radio show.

As others have said do not approach them. It could end very badly for you. Be very wary of them in the future. I wouldn't change the level of help you are giving them in the short-term but very very slowly withdraw.

Keep all discussions about clients in writing and double check everything you type regarding this particular client.

No one is bashing anyone apart from the OP's colleague who is bashing the OP for using correct sex pronouns.

Calling an individual person they/ them because they believe that they do not have a sex is frankly ridiculous.

All this ‘email’ your colleague! Jesus. Just speak to them and tell them that next time you would appreciate them saying something face to face rather than going to your line manager. I sometimes wonder how people are in the jobs they are if they just can’t talk candidly with a colleague at work. How do you all hold down jobs at all if you can’t communicate?

I actually agree with lateatwork. This is not about pronouns. If she was really concerned, she would have gone to you first. This is just a way for her to get ahead, to make you look bad and her look good to your manager. Be very very wary of your colleague. Do not give her any further ammunition. By doing this, she has clearly shown you what her intentions are. You cannot ever trust her. Watch your back and keep your distance with her. Good luck.

But as to the OP issue, I agree with doing nothing apart from keeping a wide birth from the colleague who has obviously designated herself the 'gender police'.

I think your manager has dealt with this really well. They gave you a heads up and told the colleague they should have spoken to you or raised the issue with you directly. I'd continue as you are but remember if you aren't obliged to help this colleague I wouldn't go out of my way to.

Whatever the cause, grammar guidelines around pronouns have undeniably changed. You can complain about it all you like, and on here you'll get lots of support, but in the wider world you'll have as much traction as if you'd campaigned to bring back thee/thou.

And please don’t use all this passive aggressive bullshit. Just be straight with them!

I was going to suggest the same - always use the name rather than she/they whatever.

I still don't get this whole thing though. If someone talks about me in an email that I will never see, why is what they call me relevant? And how can it be triggering, even if I am vulnerable? I can't be triggered by things I don't know about!

Am I reading this right - you had a complaint, because despite working at a women's charity which supports women, your colleague is supporting a 'non-binary' person who wants you to use 'they' instead?

I wouldn't do anything but distance myself as much as possible, but if more came my way, I'd question if you were fulfilling the stated aims of your charity (supporting women) by supporting someone who doesn't want to be referred to/recognised as one. If your colleague insists that using female pronouns for the person is wrong, then surely, it's a misappropriation of resources for your charity to be involved.