Colleague has complained about me using wrong pronouns

[CandyCane103]

Name changed but have been on mn for a fair while now.

I work in a role which requires me to do casework supporting vulnerable people. I am supporting a member of staff with some cases that fall under my specialism. We've always got along well and I've really enjoyed working with her. I've been here a number of years, she is 6 months in. One of her cases is a non binary person, and she emails me occasionally for advice as it is a long and complex case (has been ongoing for months now since before she joined the team). I usually get it right but have occasionally written 'she' by accident. They have a female name and I am not intentionally using 'she', it just naturally happens. Instead of speaking to me about it, she has made a complaint to my line manager, who has had a word. Line manager was fine about it and it wasn't a telling off. More of a passing on a message.

Now feels very awkward and think my line managers advice to her was that she should speak to me in the first instance. I really want to raise with my colleague that she should have spoken to me instead of running straight to my line manager. Not sure how to handle this as I've never had a complaint from a member of staff and it has ruffled my feathers.

Would you just leave it be?

Women (and many men) are now speaking out about all this - sometimes very clearly and maybe harshly. But there's only one side that's been issuing threats of rape, sexual assault and violence against women speaking out. And that's transactivism.

Now the population see the bullying and intimidation and they don't like it. We're a democratic society. If you want the sex class of women to now include men - argue for it. Put it to the vote. Stop intimidating and bullying people to comply with the equivalent of flat earthism.

This.

Are you really going with the approach you can be as bad as you like because the other side is worse?

How is the pp 'bad'?

Women can say no I don't consent

That's not violence, threat or abuse just a no

I understand this causes a reaction, which can often be violent or threatening, but that is not for women to resolve

When it was pointed out that there's a lot of name calling and nastiness from the gender critical it wasn't even denied, it was rebutted with "well the other side are worse".

Where have I been rude? Have I been as offensive as calling people mentally ill, predators and getting lots of my posts deleted? No, that was the gender critical lot.

It's more like "Decapitate TERFs" Vs "They're all mentally ill, they're predators and criminals, i'll misgender them on purpose because I know it upsets them, ostracise them at work" though isn't it? It's not just "we don't get it".

I'm not saying that the name calling and aggression is equal. But two wrongs don't make a right. And you're never going to convert people to your cause by being nasty to people who haven't even threatened you, just disagreed with you like on this thread.

Surely it's also obvious that not all trans or non binary people are like the ones saying decapitate TERFs, there are extremists in every class of people, we don't hate all men because of incels do we? Most non binary/trans people are just normal people who wish you no harm and want to be treated with respect and dignity which is often denied them. Oppression often leads to radicalisation.

Unsurprisingly, when people like this are challenged they retort with they hate us and want to deny us our rights so fuck them. It goes about as well as asking any minority to be nice to the people who hate them simply for what they are.

I condemn bad behaviour on both sides and there is certainly bad behaviour here as pointed out by many posters not just me.

I've said my piece. As I said I have no intention to argue with you all. I don't care if you disagree.

When it was pointed out that there's a lot of name calling and nastiness from the gender critical it wasn't even denied, it was rebutted with "well the other side are worse".

I have asked you to give examples of what you're talking about and you haven't done that.

Ive also explained my reasoning. I don't think both sides are anywhere close to equivalent.

I'm not saying that the name calling and aggression is equal. But two wrongs don't make a right. And you're never going to convert people to your cause by being nasty to people who haven't even threatened you, just disagreed with you like on this thread.

Perhaps all the times genderist posters were rude and nasty to women on this thread went right over your head?

And you're never going to convert people to your cause by being nasty to people who haven't even threatened you, just disagreed with you like on this thread.

I'm not looking to 'convert' anyone. I want recognise of material reality. Convert is a word used by religion. Gender identity is religion.

Most non binary/trans people are just normal people who wish you no harm and want to be treated with respect and dignity which is often denied them. Oppression often leads to radicalisation.

Oppression often leads to radicalisation yes. The trouble is in pushing gender identity nonsense, women have been harmed and they've been denied dignity and the ability to even speak about what is happening to them.

So why are you surprised by a backlash.

The push to replace sex with gender, throwing women under the bus and not giving a toss about them in the process, has led to this point.

So I'm glad you agree that oppression leads to radicalisation, because that's exactly where we've got to and aren't prepared to 'be kind' anymore.

This doesn't mean we hate anyone, nor does it mean we want to harm anyone, or deny anyone dignity.

However language must reflect material reality or you end up harming both women and non/binary or trans people.

Sex is a reality. It must be seen.

I wouldn't put much stock in the number of posts each "side" has had deleted. All it really shows is which "side" is more trigger happy with the report button.

I agree it would be wrong to describe trans people in general as mentally ill or predators. But sometimes when talking about individual people it's relevant.

How would you describe someone like Katie Dolatowski, for example? Or Sarah Jane Baker? Sane and harmless?

Unsurprisingly, when people like this are challenged they retort with they hate us and want to deny us our rights so fuck them. It goes about as well as asking any minority to be nice to the people who hate them simply for what they are.

Oh sure it's our fault they're sad and send nasty threats to women but the reverse doesn't count for you at all, that many women have totally had a skinful of this nonsense and aren't sugar coating our rejection of it?

Also "hate them for what they are". I don't hate them, I just don't share their, or your ideological viewpoint. And people who think that gender identity theory isn't a serious, coherent concept and that biological sex matters have rights too. Sorry.

The thing is, twenty something middle class university graduates who identify as non binary are probably not the ones saying "decapitate TERFs".

But many of them do have a rather nasty habit of calling us bigots for saying we don't want 6ft hulking males who want to "decapitate TERFs" using women's changing rooms.

getting lots of my posts deleted?

I've been through the thread and there are plenty of genderist posts deleted. I imagine they don't count though, they have every right to be abusive to us I expect.

When it was pointed out that there's a lot of name calling and nastiness from the gender critical it wasn't even denied, it was rebutted with "well the other side are worse".

//

Ok I deny that because I and others have just challenged the concept of non binary. We don't believe it. I think it's coming from a position of extreme privilege and to demand allowances from others - or else - because of a position based on feelings is quite daft.

That is not nasty or name calling.

It doesn't have to be an argument in terms of tone or insults, the trouble is gender ideology assumes women and girls will validate and many say no I don't consent.

Legislation has caused this issue and those who created it didn't think through the impact on women and children.

This impact is now more apparent and it is fine for women to say why.

As for pronouns no one should feel they have to use compelled speech. If someone would prefer to use sex based pronouns and not gender ideology based language that should be fine.

They're all mentally ill, they're predators and criminals, i'll misgender them on purpose because I know it upsets them, ostracise them at work" though isn't it?

Also this is a complete misrepresentation of the majority of posts on the thread, which are not directed at the vulnerable service user, but at the snitching colleague.

Someone who demands a GC experience extreme violence actually is quite unwell.

Ok I deny that because I and others have just challenged the concept of non binary. We don't believe it. I think it's coming from a position of extreme privilege and to demand allowances from others - or else - because of a position based on feelings is quite daft.

I agree. And I think the more people who say it, the better.

And as long as NB and trans people keep their heads below the parapet and do not challenge this disgusting behaviour and allow it to continue in their name, then frankly the well of compassion and kindness is going to run dry pretty quickly.

Agree, a casual mention of it in conversation. The type to go behind your back and make a deal of it to higher level tend to shrink once confronted politely and common sense. Or she could of course become defensive and report you for harassment, which would be pathetic but sadly happens. X

I lost my rag last night after a skinful of constant taunts and constantly being told we should just suck it up and be nice because it doesn't cost us anything to do so.

It was constant poke poke poke.

At which point I'd had enough of it.

Even at that point I still think what I said was reasonable.

I then got told I was mentally ill and should seek help for being angry. By someone lecturing me on being kind to others people because of their mental health.

And I then argued, that if indeed I'm mentally ill it's a result of the harms this has caused. But I'm actually fine now and angry that the whole issue of how this harms families and women remains totally taboo.

I'm sure that enough people saw my deleted posts to know this is a pretty fair reflection of what happened.

I am not interested in being kind and being nice to people who have such appalling double standards and demonstrate such utter hypocrisy.

I've had enough of just 'taking it'.

I feel like a punching bag for virtue signallers who have no skin and have no clue. They just want 'to do the right thing' failing to see that the road to hell is paved with good intention but unfortunately they've been speeding down it mowing down women in the process with their righteousness.

These messages aren't for the person directly, complete madness the colleague would be so offended and report it. Honestly, beyond ridiculous 🙄

Red you have a unique perspective which is important.

I am not interested in being kind and being nice to people who have such appalling double standards and demonstrate such utter hypocrisy.

I've had enough of just 'taking it'.

I feel like a punching bag for virtue signallers who have no skin and have no clue. They just want 'to do the right thing' failing to see that the road to hell is paved with good intention but unfortunately they've been speeding down it mowing down women in the process with their righteousness.

//

Thank you for articulating what's in my head so succinctly.

Unsurprisingly, when people like this are challenged they retort with they hate us and want to deny us our rights so fuck them.

Who do you think 'hates you' and what rights do you think are being denied?

No it wasn't. A large number of the deleted posts were from your side, a few GC posts were deleted but they were the responses to the original insulting comment. You don't know what you are talking about.

Yes.
Just leave it be.