Colleague has complained about me using wrong pronouns

[CandyCane103]

Name changed but have been on mn for a fair while now.

I work in a role which requires me to do casework supporting vulnerable people. I am supporting a member of staff with some cases that fall under my specialism. We've always got along well and I've really enjoyed working with her. I've been here a number of years, she is 6 months in. One of her cases is a non binary person, and she emails me occasionally for advice as it is a long and complex case (has been ongoing for months now since before she joined the team). I usually get it right but have occasionally written 'she' by accident. They have a female name and I am not intentionally using 'she', it just naturally happens. Instead of speaking to me about it, she has made a complaint to my line manager, who has had a word. Line manager was fine about it and it wasn't a telling off. More of a passing on a message.

Now feels very awkward and think my line managers advice to her was that she should speak to me in the first instance. I really want to raise with my colleague that she should have spoken to me instead of running straight to my line manager. Not sure how to handle this as I've never had a complaint from a member of staff and it has ruffled my feathers.

Would you just leave it be?

The colleague shouldn't have grassed on you, but you also need to take some responsibility, OP. You need to be more careful about addressing people the way they want, whether or not you personally agree with or believe in it. Simple as that.

But definitely don't trust the colleague too much in future.

If your manager has even half a brain they'll see this for what it is - your colleague trying to score points over you. Watch yourself around this colleague. They are not to be trusted. And don't push this, it's sorted. The last thing you want is little miss perfect running to boss again with 'CandyCane103 has told me off for complaining to you...'

Why is it always that the gender critical that need to watch their tone, alter their beliefs and be silenced while the transactivists can literally threaten people?

I don't want to use pronouns because it goes against my beliefs. We are currently fighting to try claw back women's rights that we are losing and for me using pronouns compounds this because it ties in with lack of belief in biology.

If those who are pro-pronoun used them and allowed us to choose to use them or not as we wish there wouldn't be a problem, but people can lose their job because they choose not to use a pronoun they don't believe in. It's crazy. Why does only one group of right's matter? This is the reason people are angry is because being silenced, discrimination, being threatened, loss of job security unless you comply and go against your beliefs. In a kind society you don't dismiss a large proportion of the population and tell them to suck it up, get on board or get sacked.

Why does only one group of right's matter?

Another fundamental question that never gets answered

I would definitely not mention it to her at all. I would continue as normal, and that would include some ‘mistakes’, most likely. And if she complained again I’d tell HR I am experiencing anxiety due to lack of empathy and unreasonable harassment from a member of staff that can’t accept fallibility and that my mental health is suffering and I feel triggered by the pressure to conform.

There has been no bullying? There has been lots of robust challenging but if someone can't cope with strong debate then with respect they probably shouldn't have unsupervised internet access

And once again its hilarious to call women (assuming most of us here are) on a chat forum strongly challenging an argument, vitriol when a short time spent on Twatter/X shows NB allies threatening those women with rape, violence or murder for these challenges.

Oddly those they apparently do this in the name of (non binary people) never ever call this out.

There has been no bullying?

That will be why so many comments have been deleted then isn't it, because everyone has been lovely.

And once again its hilarious to call women (assuming most of us here are) on a chat forum strongly challenging an argument, vitriol when a short time spent on Twatter/X shows NB allies threatening those women with rape, violence or murder for these challenges.

Ah yes, because two wrongs make a right don't they!

Firstly posts from both sides of the argument appear to have been deleted. So why are you only calling one side 'bullies'

Secondly, how can you argue that the discussion on this thread is in any way equivalent to what's on that link? Have you looked at that link? 🤯

I also believe you're not interested in having your mind changed, along with the other handful of posters that are on every single pronoun thread spouting the same opinions and sharing the pronouns are rohypnol thing over and over again. Hence I won't be having a multi day argument with you like other posters have wasted their time doing

The trouble is that many of us have so many reasonable questions that are simply ignored or the responses that come back simply dismiss the needs and safety of female people.

Take my question about why, when we know sex and gender are different do trans women who are of the male sex use spaces which are reserved for women on the basis of sex not gender?

There is no reasonable answer to this question, most likely because there is no reason why society should now be decided on gender despite what the activists have done to suggest it should be.

And then when no answer can be given we are told in response to that 'I don't know and I don't care'.

Well simply put this is not good enough, it's acknowledgment that female people matter less.

This is the problem with your activism you want us to change our mind about female people being less important in society than male people and quite simply, I will not do this.

This now means that I will not respect pronouns that are part of a shift towards removing the rights of female people. I will not be kind.

Tell me why I am wrong about this?

Hi all - a friendly reminder that personal attacks break our guidelines. We've no problem at all with robust discussions, but less of the name-calling, please.

Brilliant post that bears repeating.
Society stood and watched while the ideology that started with #nodebate persuaded children that their bodies were flawed but a sex change was the cure harming so many mentally vulnerable children. All opposition is called transphobia and bigotry.
The same ideology has wedged men into women's sport, hospital wards, rape crisis centres, changing rooms and the rest.

Go and read the Cass Review to see the catastrophe that's been visited on children. Look at the countless court cases that show case the bullying of (mainly but not solely) women - Bailey, Forstater, Phoenix, Adams and the rest.
Ask why the Darlington nurses have to go to court to get the right to undress without a random man watching?

Pronouns are the enforcement of all this. If you can persuade children and adults that speaking the truth, saying what you see in front of you, accurately sexing is mean and phobic, what other untruths can you compel a population to believe in?

People are now refusing to be bullied. To be compelled to lie, to pander to the demands of irrational others.

No more.

The way the anti pronoun brigade behave was enough to sway me from not bothered to believing in inclusivity because of the way the "gender critical" as they call themselves behave and I don't want to be associated with those people

Have you read the abuse and threats aimed at women? Not to mention actual violence

Just to those women saying no I don't consent. For just speaking about this.

Also the question of why only one group has their rights heard is a good one, why is that?

As an aside how mangled language has become due to creating this legislation. People talk about 'anti pronouns' a few decades ago no one would know what was being referred to.

Ah yes, because two wrongs make a right don't they!

//

You know that's not what I meant.

I meant discussion is vitriol but it seems actual threats of violence the other way is justified.

Although I've assumed you don't police those X users and call them out on their shit? Fair play if you do

People talk about 'anti pronouns' a few decades ago no one would know what was being referred to.

Yes, exactly. It's bizarre.

I don't use twatter but I call people out on their shit on Reddit.

We won't have a respectful inclusive society by hurling shit at eachother constantly. I hate how much name calling and aggression there so on both sides. Neither side can claim the moral high ground because neither side can be civil.

It seems the gender critical go out their way to upset non binary people just to make a point which is just harrassment on my mind.

As for this thread, no one was ever won over by name calling or being piled on to the point they stop engaging.

I don't get the impression that the OP used the incorrect pronouns due to her beliefs. She specified in her post that it was just a mistake - that she tries to remember to use 'they/them' but because it's a relatively new thing that she's having to do there are times when she forgets.

We won't have a respectful inclusive society by hurling shit at eachother constantly. I hate how much name calling and aggression there so on both sides

Can you give us the worst examples in the GC side that you are talking about so we can compare and contrast with what's on the site that's been linked?

Are you really going with the approach you can be as bad as you like because the other side is worse?

I'm questioning your assertion that there is 'shit hurled' on 'both sides' to some kind of equivalent level.

Because that is not my experience of the debate at all.

Hmmm. Every recent women's meeting I know of has men (and women) demonstrating outside. Often issuing threats of sexual assault at women as they go in. Look at the last international FILIA conference where women from all over the world had to endure abuse as they entered.

https://news.sky.com/story/trans-rights-protesters-demonstrate-outside-feminist-conference-in-glasgow-12983913:

Or maybe the inaugural meeting of the Lesbian Project (organised by Julie Bindel & Kathleen Stock) where an alliance of misogynists and homophobes gathered - again issuing abuse at women:

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/womens_rights/4771088-lesbian-project-meeting-protested-by-men

Sex Matters have collated some of the protests:

https://sex-matters.org/posts/freedom-of-speech/the-escalating-campaign-of-intimidation-and-violence-against-gender-critical-women/

Women (and many men) are now speaking out about all this - sometimes very clearly and maybe harshly. But there's only one side that's been issuing threats of rape, sexual assault and violence against women speaking out. And that's transactivism.

Now the population see the bullying and intimidation and they don't like it. We're a democratic society. If you want the sex class of women to now include men - argue for it. Put it to the vote. Stop intimidating and bullying people to comply with the equivalent of flat earthism.

So Cheese you would challenge a Reddit user who was cheerleading violence against women such as shared above? How did that go?

And you really, really believe that what they say is no worse than has been written here?

Are you really going with the approach you can be as bad as you like because the other side is worse?

What's "bad"? Not taking "non binary" claims seriously?

As opposed to graphic death and rape threats?

Come on.

"Decapitate terfs" vs "non binary is attention seeking bs"? Equal, both sides?

Really?

Not to mention that you've been pretty rude yourself, as have some of the posters you're defending.