Colleague has complained about me using wrong pronouns

[CandyCane103]

Name changed but have been on mn for a fair while now.

I work in a role which requires me to do casework supporting vulnerable people. I am supporting a member of staff with some cases that fall under my specialism. We've always got along well and I've really enjoyed working with her. I've been here a number of years, she is 6 months in. One of her cases is a non binary person, and she emails me occasionally for advice as it is a long and complex case (has been ongoing for months now since before she joined the team). I usually get it right but have occasionally written 'she' by accident. They have a female name and I am not intentionally using 'she', it just naturally happens. Instead of speaking to me about it, she has made a complaint to my line manager, who has had a word. Line manager was fine about it and it wasn't a telling off. More of a passing on a message.

Now feels very awkward and think my line managers advice to her was that she should speak to me in the first instance. I really want to raise with my colleague that she should have spoken to me instead of running straight to my line manager. Not sure how to handle this as I've never had a complaint from a member of staff and it has ruffled my feathers.

Would you just leave it be?

No, telling someone to deliberately MIS-SEX someone is hate as well as bullying.

So this colleagues actions has shown you she isn’t to be trusted and will throw you under the bus at the soonest opportunity. That’s useful information to know. Be grateful.

I know the service user is the non binary person not OPs colleague. Again, I can read.

That hasn't stopped people who haven't read the thread properly advising her to deliberately call them she/her to annoy them, refuse to use pronouns all together to teach them a lesson, or rant about non binary people being mentally ill and telling OP not to pander to them has it?

I don't understand what you mean here.
I don't think a single person on the thread has suggested that the OP ostracise the service user. Some have suggested distancing herself from her colleague, someone who reported her to her line manager over something they could have dealt with between them. Someone who uses she/her pronouns.

I have no hate for non-binary people but I might question why they use a service designed for women.

Are any of those things bad advice? I don't think so. They are things healthy, self-respecting adults would do. Not pander to the condition, not mis-sex someone. All things a healthy person would do.

I firmly think that people who believe they are non binary are delusional.
When they take their clothes off, what do they see ....male bits or female bits....not both, not nothing....ffs

What a sneaky snake in the grass your colleague is. No more help or assistance not strictly required by your job spec for her.

You begin to see how the Stasi got 40% of the population informing in each
other…

OP, the next time your colleague contacts you for assistance, I’d find my workload extremely onerous and be unable to step in.

Helping her is providing her with ammunition to attempt to undermine you. No one needs to participate in sabotaging their own career.

That’s not bullying or victimising, by the way, to the pronoun police on this thread. It’s prioritising your time and focus on your own workload and not that of people looking for simple errors so they can play Diversity Top Trumps with HR.

OP didn't mix up the pronouns as a political statement, she said it was accidental, as all her other clients are women. It's not about pronouns. It happens. I might accidentally refer to a colleague as Elizabeth, even if she has mentioned she prefers Liz - would not expect to be reported to my manager because of that.

Non-binary people are not mentally ill.

would you expect a worker who had patients with Schizophrenia and believed themselves to be the second coming of Jesus to call that patient Jesus?

If I was dealing with a psychotic patient and it felt appropriate at the time then yes, I absolutely would. The same as we don't respond to a patient with dementia who talks about their deceased partner as if they were alive by repeatedly traumatising them with the truth.

This really isn’t about the non-binary person. This is about a working relationship with a colleague. A good working relationship sees you looking after each other and lifting each other up so you all do better. A bad working relationship is using opportunities to show up each others mistakes and weaknesses and running to management when a conversation would have been sufficient. The OP hasn’t said anything about the non-binary individual and her thoughts on this person’s right to have a gender identity.

Why do you think people have those reactions?

If I was dealing with a psychotic patient and it felt appropriate at the time

What if it didn't?

Non-binary people are not mentally ill.

Evidence to the contrary.

If I was dealing with a psychotic patient and it felt appropriate at the time then yes, I absolutely would.

Then that goes against current medical guidance.

Past caring.
I'd say sniping straight up to a manager about something that was obviously an honest mistake would be harassment and bullying, personally.

I would tell her I didn’t do it intentionally, I couldn’t guarantee that it would never happen again as I am only human and have been used to two genders for x amount of years. Could she please just remind me at the time instead of running to the manager.

Yes. And my advice to her is to completely ignore this little idiot and interact with her as little as possible from now on.

Non binary is based on sexist ideas.

You declare yourself non binary as a statement to say you don't want to be judged on sex.

The trouble with that is understanding sex and having visibility of sex is the only thing that actually protects against gender stereotyped sexism.

There's plenty of evidence that gender neutrality actually favours male because the word human defaults to males. Reams and reams of research on how gender neutral doesn't encourage equality; it in fact does the opposite and increases unfavourable conditions on all manner of things females face in every day life.

Everything from the design of a phone to health care favour men unless you consider sex.

I really recommend reading Invisible Women which talks about why and how much this matters.

It is therefore an act of self harm to go down the whole gender neutral thing. That's not hate. That's recognising this harms me and I don't want to normalise this.

Gender ideology is fundamentally a mens rights movement even though it's often women who push it.

Further to that point I would point out Bewilderness's rules of misogyny to those shouting HATE at women who accidentally don't use changed pronouns or dont want to do so because they think they are harmful.

2. Women saying no to men is a hate crime.

3. Women speaking for themselves are exclusionary and selfish.

We are not hating anyone. We are saying this isn't ok and does harm to me and other females. Including women who want to go around forcing others to use stupid incorrect pronouns.

Just because I don't want to participate in this, doesn't mean I hate anyone. I would encourage people who are being bullied into this or shamed like we are on this thread to self isolate for their own protection. Not isolate the other party.

I'm done with being called hateful on this.

IT'S BULLSHIT

I read somewhere that, by declaring yourself non binary, you are actually creating a binary, thus making you binary…

Fine. It’s people trying to pretend that continuing to do this has no potential downside.

Gender ideology is fundamentally a mens rights movement even though it's often women who push it.

Once you see this you can't really unsee it.

There is literally nothing positive for women about this movement.

We have lost the words we need to define our rights. That's pretty fundamental and extreme.

And complaining about it makes US the bigots.

I think your manager has handled this well and will have a dimmer view of your colleague for being incapable of broaching the subject in a constructive manner with you directly.

The best thing you can do is to carry on as if nothing has happened but be mindful that this colleague is not to be trusted.

The problem with personal pronouns is it becomes a memory game, it can genuinely become difficult to remember how people like themselves to be referred to (nb this is usually when they're not even in the same room!) when the list gets past 1 or 2 people. And not everyone likes being referred to as "they" or just by their name as they can see this as invalidating their chosen gender identity. Personally I think people need to accept that others will not always be able to remember - onus is on the person to figure out how to live in a society where small mistakes like this happen rather than spiralling over minor transgressions. Thay having been said, I'd never purposefully misgender someone just as I wouldn't purposefully call someone by the wrong name.

Its a big problem if you have been taught to believe this . Or worse still, if you are teaching this belief to vulnerable people.

I have a first name that can be used for men or women, let’s say it’s Chris. I have had people assume that I’m male ( when I’m a woman ) all my life. I just correct them and it’s fine.

Sometimes they mispell my name too eg Kristine instead of Christine. Again I correct then and usually it’s fine.

Sometimes they get the wrong surname and I correct them ( if I can be bothered ).

Almost every single adult woman I know has been addressed with the wrong title eg Mrs instead of Dr or Ms. We all deal with this

Sometime computers or humans or autocorrect or outlook or mailing lists get it wrong . If we all went around telling ourselves

• that it means we are unimportant, no one case about us and our “ facts” that our wishes aren't being respected and that the world is against us

we would all become mentally ill . You can’t build your own self worth and self image around controlling everyone else in the world to do everything exactly the way you want.

Im a woman even if a computer calls me Mx Smith.
I have a PhD even if a receptionist call me Ms Smith.
I am Korean even if someone assumes I am Chinese.

Other people’s typing or linguistic errors don’t determine my reality.

And those that pretend there is 'no potential downside' to manipulating and bullying women over a social contagion or posible mental illness are doing....what exactly? Pissing women off even more? Did you even consider that?

your manager has handled it correctly - just leave it - but be wary of her since a normal person would have just mentioned it directly to you rather than made a complaint.