Colleague has complained about me using wrong pronouns

[CandyCane103]

Name changed but have been on mn for a fair while now.

I work in a role which requires me to do casework supporting vulnerable people. I am supporting a member of staff with some cases that fall under my specialism. We've always got along well and I've really enjoyed working with her. I've been here a number of years, she is 6 months in. One of her cases is a non binary person, and she emails me occasionally for advice as it is a long and complex case (has been ongoing for months now since before she joined the team). I usually get it right but have occasionally written 'she' by accident. They have a female name and I am not intentionally using 'she', it just naturally happens. Instead of speaking to me about it, she has made a complaint to my line manager, who has had a word. Line manager was fine about it and it wasn't a telling off. More of a passing on a message.

Now feels very awkward and think my line managers advice to her was that she should speak to me in the first instance. I really want to raise with my colleague that she should have spoken to me instead of running straight to my line manager. Not sure how to handle this as I've never had a complaint from a member of staff and it has ruffled my feathers.

Would you just leave it be?

Well said.

The worker doesn't have to tolerate being told to mis-sex someone because that person desperately needs a label for attention. No one, least of all women - should be gaslit to mis-sex someone. Women, in 2024, SAY NO!!

If you don't use the pronouns I demand, then I report you to HR for hate. You will be shunned / shamed / punished / otherwise flogged and tormented for sinning.

Except its not hate.

Its either instinctively getting it wrong accidently or simply thinking its a harmful political statement that you don't share a belief in.

This is whataboutery. If you want to try and make a bog standard work communications issue all about trans then fill your boots but it doesn't make it so.

You asked a question, I answered. Nothing in your whataboutery explains your assumptions about the OP unless you are suggesting they are a troll (in which case presumably you reported it?)

Disagreeing on pronouns is having a different opinion.

Advising the OP to ostracise someone for having those pronouns, calling non binary people stupid or fantasists and pages and pages of comments making out they are the scourge of society is hate.

There's the difference for you in case you couldn't tell.

Individuality is one thing. Mental illness is another, for example, would you expect a worker who had patients with Schizophrenia and believed themselves to be the second coming of Jesus to call that patient Jesus?

I'm talking about the threatening and bullying culture against people who believe in biological sex or are you so unaware you don't know about it? If so, I suggest you educate yourself.

We don't believe in biological sex, we know biology because in all the trillions of words of research produced in the last 200 years on anatomy and physiology of our species and other mammals, no one has ever discovered a case in which an adult human has changed sex. Your sex chromosomes (XX and XY) are in every cell of your body and blood. Gender ideology is a currently fashionable belief that appeals particularly to predatory males with fetishes and young people with autism, who are struggling with their homosexuality and those with MH issues or with chaotic and abusive backgrounds they wish to escape. Gender ideology is homophobic — it would rather trans LGB kids away than let them by LGB — and aims to sterilise autistic and mentally unwell young people. If you support it, that's what you're supporting.

But once again, OP isn’t dealing with you, or anyone on this thread. She needs to consider the reality of her situation.

No one said to ostracize the OP’s colleague for having “non binary” pronouns. It was the service user who has those pronouns. The colleague is just a bog standard woman.

I would replace all pronouns to 'xe' on any and all communication with this colleague from now on.

See how xe likes that.

Gawd, I feel for you, OP, @CandyCane103 . People are so precious nowadays and as and for going straight to a manager for something like this, that is just unbelievable. really poor form. Please, people, don't do this!

As for getting pronouns wrong, easily done. I have close family who still spell my first name (unusual spelling) wrong after 30 years. What's the big deal?

The world has gone utterly crazy. Also agree with @lateatwork

We need people to rise to the challenge and I'd like to see...

...less preciousness
....more resilence
...the ability to agree to disagree rather than 'cancelling'
...openess and not sneaking behind colleagues. back straight to the boss

Have you not noticed that the majority of the comments on this thread have been about non binary people and pronouns? I don't want to make it that way. It is that way. I was simply pointing it out. Which apparently annoys people.

If someone is reporting you to HR and bullying you for using the wrong pronouns, then I think distancing from them is probably a wise move to protect your career. Its not about hate. Its about identitying someone who potentially is going to endanger your livelihood.

Who would want to be besties with them after they've been singled out and ALREADY accused of hate when you've done nothing wrong!?

Seriously, being overly defensive and aggressively using the system against people unfairly IS harassment.

The OP even says its accidental. But this isn't good enough - nope 'its hate'. Compliance every time isn't realistic over an instinctive response...

Fuck that.

You asked a question, I answered. Nothing in your whataboutery explains your assumptions about the OP unless you are suggesting they are a troll (in which case presumably you reported it?)

That poster hasn't actually read the thread properly, they seem to think people are suggesting that the OP should "ostracise" the service user, when she is being advised to distance herself from someone she works with who she has given her own time to help, who has deliberately tried to make trouble for her.

Agree with this

Deliberately misgendering anyone is absolutely hate, as well as bullying.

That however would constitue harassment and bullying.

The OP even says its accidental. But this isn't good enough - nope 'its hate'. Compliance every time isn't realistic over an instinctive response...

Indeed. It's quite enlightening.

Just wait for he4r to slip up!

No its not 'hate'. Its anger and frustration that a social contagion, a very narcissistic and self-indulgent one at that, has taken hold and is gaslighting, manipulating and bullying women. Its anger and frustration. Pander to these people if you want, but the rest of us won't. We've had enough of this misogynistic and hateful bs.

Advising the OP to ostracise someone for having those pronouns, calling non binary people stupid or fantasists and pages and pages of comments making out they are the scourge of society is hate.

You really ARE a fantasist Peach none of that happened.

No one is saying to ostracise anyone for having pronouns. It is NOT the colleague who is non binary.

I mean you come on threads and don't even bother to read what has actually happened in the OP don't you?

You just come on to scold women for not wanting to put up with gender nonsense anymore.

Although OP stated in her post it was a mistake
Not deliberate

No its NOT.

Its correctly sexing someone!

We don't have to believe. Wrong sex pronouns harm women and its an act of politicisation which has no place in the workplace.

Its forcing others to do something they feel harms women.

And as the charity only deals with females, it would be quite natural to write she. Because the clients are females. Not males.

This

She would be getting a (civil) short shrift from me from now on. Utter nonsense.