Colleague has complained about me using wrong pronouns

[CandyCane103]

Name changed but have been on mn for a fair while now.

I work in a role which requires me to do casework supporting vulnerable people. I am supporting a member of staff with some cases that fall under my specialism. We've always got along well and I've really enjoyed working with her. I've been here a number of years, she is 6 months in. One of her cases is a non binary person, and she emails me occasionally for advice as it is a long and complex case (has been ongoing for months now since before she joined the team). I usually get it right but have occasionally written 'she' by accident. They have a female name and I am not intentionally using 'she', it just naturally happens. Instead of speaking to me about it, she has made a complaint to my line manager, who has had a word. Line manager was fine about it and it wasn't a telling off. More of a passing on a message.

Now feels very awkward and think my line managers advice to her was that she should speak to me in the first instance. I really want to raise with my colleague that she should have spoken to me instead of running straight to my line manager. Not sure how to handle this as I've never had a complaint from a member of staff and it has ruffled my feathers.

Would you just leave it be?

I think that’s awful. They’ve asked to call her a certain name.

I mean if bob told you his name was bob you wouldn’t go calling your friend Barbara? Would you?

She's shown herself to be untrustworthy, I had someone like this years ago and tried to be polite and nice to keep the peace.

I would document any errors she makes to your line manager now.

If you are her line manager I'd have no leeway in any type of review, mid-year, annual, anything and have someone with you as a witness. Go hard.

These people can be dangerous if given an inch. And this isn't about pro-nouns, this is about her going above you to try and get you viewed negatively - an experienced long serving colleague, who is helping her.

Well don't help her as much as you possibly can going forward. Leave hours between email responses, as long as you can get away with. Brush off in person questions if your in office, "I'm busy with my own work tasks at the moment" - walk away, headphones on - give her nothing.

Give the absolute bare minimum of words in email response that you can get away with.

Let her sink.

Hopefully she is still in her probationary and once she doesn't have your help she will leave or be sacked.

Don't give her an inch against you now, watch yourself.

Then perhaps the trans and non binary communities and their enforcers should stop bullying and threating those that don't agree with them and there wouldn't be an issue. People are annoyed because their rights are being eroded and yet they aren't allowed to mention it because apparently women who believe in biological sex are now an underclass who aren't allowed to speak up because 'transphobia and non binary hatred' is the reputation smearing tool of the silencers. Tolerance and respect aren't a one way street. Stop bleating about all the hate which is actually just a difference in opinion and start looking at why people are annoyed.

I'd flag it directly with the person who had made the mistake, not via their line manager.

Because, you know, I'm an adult.

A charity that only supports women, but your colleague is grassing you up for calling a woman 'she'? FFS 🙄.

Steer clear of them. They're trouble.

This is the important thing. It’s nonsense, and you’re having to pussyfoot around a dangerous ideology. It can be difficult for a normal person to use wrong pronouns and pretend to believe a dogma you know to be false.

BUT that’s the state we’re in, OP, and you now know your colleague will cause you trouble if she gets the chance.

I hope you have friends and family you can safely get things off your chest with. If not, we’re here for you.

No I know they're not. I just feel deeply worried about people who are so insecure that this would damage them so much.

The egg shells that have to be walked on. What a palaver.

I

I would say the vast minority of discussion on this thread is about the colleagues behaviour.

The majority of discussion on this thread is about how stupid non binary people are, how society has gone mad and lots of advice to bully this woman to put her in her placeqnd ice out the non binary person to make sure they know OP disapproves of them, because they are activists/have an agenda/whatever other made up shit people have decided the NB person to be. Despite never meeting them and not knowing anything about them. So yes I would call that hated. A thread about behaviour has been completely derailed to a thread about gender and how much mumsnetters hate anything to do with gender or language. Again.

The butter wouldn't melt "we don't hate people we're just having a discussion" claims don't wash. You have a problem with non binary people. Just own it.

She's a troublemaker and clearly not to be trusted.

Also, what complete and utter nonsense the they/them pronoun is. Yes, I know we do refer to people as they/them at times, but it's unnatural for most people. It instantly tells me that someone takes themselves far too seriously and is looking to be offended. Best avoided at all costs.

I'd flag it with the person in a polite questioning way ie is this right - I wouldn't go to the line manager in first instance.

Same here - the colleague could have said - just highlighting client needs these pronouns - few slips up here - maybe suggest search and replace as way of dealing perhaps verbally - in a we need to be clear and consistent.

The colleague here taken the advice and in first instance complained to line manager about OP and not corrected the OP politely first.

Maybe colleague just young and lacking in confidence or maybe she a back stabbing bitch - hard to say - and all the Op can do is be more aware in future and arse cover round her - be polite and professional try and get things in writing - so colleagues behavior blow back on her going forward.

No one is bullying or threatening you.

This woman's colleague doesn't have to tolerate her misgendering a client on multiple occasions, that's not how tolerance works.

This is exactly how I would respond.

Univ lecturers often forget the correct pronoun when discussing a student - but my team has each others’ backs. We just say ‘ isn’t X ‘they’?’ I would take a very dim view of any member of my team who reported this to me.

No I don't have a problem with non binary people.

What I have a problem with is people being 'punished' for using normal language or forced to use words that don't make sense to them to validate another person's identity.

A woman lost her job in a rape crisis centre over an issue like this, that OK with you I guess? The Tribunals didn't think so thank goodness.

But the OP didn't 'deliberately' trigger them, the OP had no intention of offending them, as others have said when it's going against the usual way we've been taught our native tongue, whilst we may be making every attempt to adhere to to this person's wishes occasionally there may be a linguistical slip up (I am extremely GC so naturally think this is all nonsense, albeit I would never go out of my way to purposely offend someone and also I wouldn't want to be in trouble with the gender police at work so would chunter in my head whilst trying to conform).

I would let it go as sounds like your manager has dealt with it sensibly but as others have said I would be a little guarded of this person, and be somewhat less forthcoming in any help they require as they've shown themselves to be untrustworthy and not collegiate.

It isn't difficult to get used to using names and 'they'

I see this sort of thing asserted all the time. It is actually very difficult. I worked for years with someone who was female, had an obviously female name, had a very feminine appearance, but had decided they wanted to use he/him pronouns. I had to retrain my brain - I had to stop and think every time I spoke about him to make sure I used the right pronouns. It made every conversation about him quite mentally draining tbh!
But I don't think I ever made any mistakes, and eventually it came naturally and I didn't have to think as hard. Great, I had successfully trained my brain to think 'he/him' in relation to someone who was obviously female.

Except that now I am working with someone else with same name. Who is female, very feminine appearance. But uses the usual she/her pronouns. And I am now back to having to struggle to think carefully every time I use a pronoun, because I have gotten so used to saying 'he' in association with the name that I'm having to very consciously say she. It is surprisingly hard work to undo the brainwashing I had previously done to myself!!! I feel like I'm constantly tripping over my words and people must be wondering what is wrong with me that I appear to be struggling to refer to this woman as 'she'! So that's fun.

Well, equally shouldn’t be hard to remember that of all the clients, this one uses different pronouns.

You’re caring for individuals so you need to recognise their individuality.

1. Your colleague is a backstabbing arsehole.
2. No-one is non binary
3. Forget about it.

This!

This. The OP correctly sexed the service user in a report for fellow professionals.

I never said anyone was bullying or threatening me, or did you not even bother to read what I wrote? I'm talking about the threatening and bullying culture against people who believe in biological sex or are you so unaware you don't know about it? If so, I suggest you educate yourself. Here's a little help in getting started.

But she did. So why are people suggesting OP make life even more difficult for herself by bringing it up again or even deliberately doing the exact same thing again? Do they really want to help the OP, or are they just trying to make a point?

Say absolutely nothing, but change how you deal with this woman from now on. Stop helping with anything you have no professional duty to. Professional and aloof. You most certainly aren't her friend.

I'll bet my left ear she didn't want your manager to tell you who made the complaint. Well you do know, so keep her at arms' length now.

She'll do it to someone else soon enough and she'll earn a reputation for being a childish snake whom people avoid.

I fully support anyone's right to call themselves whatever they like.

What I don't support is them telling me what I have to call them when they aren't even there. Because really that's all these she/he/them pronouns are, what you call someone when they're not there. Fuck that.

Yet these 'non binary' [sic] people are BULLYING others. The reason there is so much pushback against these bullying thugs is that they intimidate, bully, manipulate and control people. They are their own worst enemies. We've all had enough. Haven't you realised that yet? What do you think this new feminist revolution push is all about? We've had enough. They are losing this war, because they are their own worst enemies. People should not be bullied because others need a label to seek attention.

You are entitled to YOUR belief. But thats just it. Its YOUR belief.

We should not have it forced onto to us to comply with.

Pronouns matter. Changing them is not an act of neutrality. It is a political statement.

No one should be forced to use pronouns for someone they are unhappy with, under threat from HR.

This is not hate.

This is a difference of opinion.

Learn the difference.