Colleague has complained about me using wrong pronouns

[CandyCane103]

Name changed but have been on mn for a fair while now.

I work in a role which requires me to do casework supporting vulnerable people. I am supporting a member of staff with some cases that fall under my specialism. We've always got along well and I've really enjoyed working with her. I've been here a number of years, she is 6 months in. One of her cases is a non binary person, and she emails me occasionally for advice as it is a long and complex case (has been ongoing for months now since before she joined the team). I usually get it right but have occasionally written 'she' by accident. They have a female name and I am not intentionally using 'she', it just naturally happens. Instead of speaking to me about it, she has made a complaint to my line manager, who has had a word. Line manager was fine about it and it wasn't a telling off. More of a passing on a message.

Now feels very awkward and think my line managers advice to her was that she should speak to me in the first instance. I really want to raise with my colleague that she should have spoken to me instead of running straight to my line manager. Not sure how to handle this as I've never had a complaint from a member of staff and it has ruffled my feathers.

Would you just leave it be?

Mmmm how can you know it? Using they/ them not she is not going to come naturally especially not when all of your client's are female and you are a charity about and for females.

The mass pecking and shrieking in mumsnet whenever pronouns or non binary people are referenced reminds me if those old, formerly funny, joke formats where you have a perfectly ordinary sentence that's rendered funny by the addition of the words “in bed” or shocking by the addition of the words “on the internet.”

On mumsnet the addition of the word pronoun, of the words non binary, causes otherwise kindly snd sensible women to begin frothing at the mouth in outrage at the horror.

In reality this is just a management/work issue not a moment for people to encourage OP to go beyond that to excoriating and shaming an entire class of people for asking for an accommodation or a change in language.

In the helping/caring professions we are routinely asked to change our language use all the fucking time its why we don’t call people the r word, or mongoloid, or many another term that we now feel we shouldn’t use. Sometimes that is be ause the agencies update their style sheet (from patient to client is a good example) sometimes its because the affected persons complain, sometimes we just are listening non judgmentally to what vulnerable clients need.

In the IS the clients medical revord belongs to the client. You bet your ass we are careful to refer to each client as they wish to be referred to, and very carefully, to avoid harm to a vulnerable person.

The OP’s complaint is with her colleague and should remain there—why this determination on this thread to attack non binary people in general snd this poor client of OP’s agency as though they are at fault?

I don’t mean I know the OP did it deliberately. I mean the implications are different from a standard typo.

Why would correctly sexing a service user who is using a service for women only, in internal reports, make OP's life harder at work, unless the colleague makes trouble for her?

How is a discussion about pronouns hatred of trans or non binary people?

The person for whom the pronouns is relevant is the client of this charity.

There has been no hatred whatsoever towards that person.

Stop making things up.

Like you, I can’t stand all this pussyfooting around people who ‘need’ to be addressed a certain way. It’s rapidly getting to the stage where other people are scared to say anything at all. If ‘he’ wants to be addressed as ‘she’ and ‘she’ wants to be addressed as ‘he’, that is their problem, not mine! If they make life difficult for others because of their sexuality, they lose my respect instantly, and quite honestly, make me sick. What a fuss about nothing!
In my opinion, if they have a vagina, they are female, if they have a penis, they are male, and it’s as simple as that. Or should be!!

You’re being deliberately obtuse. This isn’t about whether you think this shouldn’t be a problem. The fact that it’s been discussed with the OP’s manager means it could be a problem - so deliberately ignoring it and continuing just to annoy her colleague is only going to make life difficult for herself.

Ugh. There is no hatred. Just problems with suspending reality. What’s in front of me? A woman. No, no, a “they”. It’s hard to bend your mind in this way.

Ok apologies for misunderstanding but why are the implications are different from a standard typo? I have no idea what you mean by that.

Your colleague is a brainwashed idiot who doesn't have your back. From this point on, I'd do what was required of me, in terms of helping her, but certainly wouldn't go out of my way for her and wouldn't trust her as far as I could throw her.

I do think I'd ever so politely tell that if she notices any future mistakes to please come directly to you or feel free to simply correct them on her own, just to let her know you know what she's been up to (and that it didn't work, if her plan was to get you in hot water with higher-ups).

The mass pecking and shrieking in mumsnet

Not at all misogynistic of course.

This is hilariously accurate.

To add to this I once received an educational report regarding one of my children. it was clear that it was a copy and paste job by the professional. Wrong sex at points and wrong name in one sentence.

The implications were that the person wasn't very good at their job but the content was otherwise OK.

No implications because I'm not going to get upset about tiny things.

In a world where you can be anything #BeSilent, it’s the only way not to offend someone.
I understand non-binary, but I don’t understand why people can’t understand we are all just human at the end of the day and we will slip up from time to time.
I wouldn’t trust the woman who reported you going forwards, and make sure you watch everything she does like a hawk. She will need to be absolutely perfect going forwards.

You can't see the hatred on this thread? Then you are blind.

It isn't difficult to get used to using names and 'they'

i can’t speak for the OP, but I do feel this kind of statement should be challenged at every opportunity. It’s disgracefully ableist and othering.

what you mean is it’s easy for YOU to hear or read a person state their individual pronoun preferences, remember and recall that information and apply it again at a later date.

if this is about making a small percentage of the population feel comfortable…
what about people with:

cognitive processing issues
memory loss
deaf
visually impaired
SpLDs like dyslexia or face blindness
dementia
english as a second language

what about normalising it being OK not to have perfect recall?

How is a discussion about pronouns hatred of trans or non binary people?

The person for whom the pronouns is relevant is the client of this charity.

There has been no hatred whatsoever towards that person.

Stop making things up.

//

Ahh Life but that's just it. Any discussion, challenge or push back to people who demand we accommodate their innate feelings is, quite literally, hate. Didn't you know?

See you in the gulag!

Remarkably similar post from a few days ago, OP.

Because no one is going to complain if the OP spells organisation with a Z by mistake. They might if she uses a non-preferred pronoun.

Next time she asks for advice I think I’d begin the email, “I’m a bit reluctant to offer advice on this case anymore after you made a complaint against me, for making a genuine grammatical error regarding someone’s preferred pronouns. I think it might be better if you asked someone else.”

Discussion of overreach of a colleague is not hatred.
But then I guess you're not too bothered about bending the meaning of words eh Peach?

No implications because I'm not going to get upset about tiny things.

Newsflash - not everyone is you.

Right but it's just not that big of a deal surely?

All the colleague needed to do is amend it if an error was made and they spotted it?

I've received reports where the sex of my child has been incorrectly stated in pronoun use. So what? They don't look very professional but it's really not a biggie.

No need to involve the boss.

Always use they for everybody. Job done.

Anita called in sick, they sent their futnes note. John is buying ice cream, they paid in cash. When Josh came to stay, they slept in the sofa.

Well said.