Colleague has complained about me using wrong pronouns

[CandyCane103]

Name changed but have been on mn for a fair while now.

I work in a role which requires me to do casework supporting vulnerable people. I am supporting a member of staff with some cases that fall under my specialism. We've always got along well and I've really enjoyed working with her. I've been here a number of years, she is 6 months in. One of her cases is a non binary person, and she emails me occasionally for advice as it is a long and complex case (has been ongoing for months now since before she joined the team). I usually get it right but have occasionally written 'she' by accident. They have a female name and I am not intentionally using 'she', it just naturally happens. Instead of speaking to me about it, she has made a complaint to my line manager, who has had a word. Line manager was fine about it and it wasn't a telling off. More of a passing on a message.

Now feels very awkward and think my line managers advice to her was that she should speak to me in the first instance. I really want to raise with my colleague that she should have spoken to me instead of running straight to my line manager. Not sure how to handle this as I've never had a complaint from a member of staff and it has ruffled my feathers.

Would you just leave it be?

I had a post removed for stating that - your first sentence. That was quite a while ago, probably a couple of years. I don't know if it's still against the rules.

OP do not trust this woman, she's trying to ingratiate herself with the manager who hopefully sees through her. There is no reason at all for her to raise a typo with a manager FGS unless she has an agenda.

In a different environment OP could have faced serious consequences for this slip, and it's quite possible the colleague expected that.

Please look up the case of Roz Adams at Edinburgh Rape Crisis.

The colleague isn’t non binary the client is.

And it's fucking laughable when you consider the drama and hyperbole that's used the other way round.

It's DARVO.

You dont hear it because it doesn't need talking about.
In real life every single one of us know that OP's "non binary" client is a woman. You know it, I know it, she knows it too. Every single one of us know that all humans are binary sexed.

It's just that a handful insist on pretending otherwise for their own purposes. Why is that?

This isn't hate. It's reality.

This is my question. Why did this change and when were we all consulted about it? 🫤

This. Do not confront.

If they make any comment about your use of pronouns again, just lightly say “apologies” and correct yourself. Then make a note in a diary of date, time and incident but I can assure you - your colleague will too.

Please look up the case of Roz Adams at Edinburgh Rape Crisis.

///

This is worth repeating folks and I'd also suggest looking up because even an innocent mistake and there are "allies" who will come for you.

This tolerance thing is a one way street , you know.

This is worth repeating folks and I'd also suggest looking up because even an innocent mistake and there are "allies" who will come for you.

There are some very naive posters on this thread.

How embarrassing for you.

OP, I honestly wouldn't give a second of brain space or energy to this tedious individual beyond a moment's reflection on how dull her life must be if she's got the capacity to be exercised enough by this to go to your manager.

Next time your colleague needs extra support, send her to your manager.

YOU have every right to protect yourself from this type of behaviour.

No good turn and all that🙄.

Don't give her a chance to report you again.

Using names is a good solution going forward.

Maybe those who want other than the obvious pronoun, or whatever, maybe need to wear a badge to inform people of this week's desired pronoun.

This “typo” could have implications in terms of the service being offered. Whether you agree with that or not is another matter. Whether you agree with the OP’s colleague going to their manager is also another matter. But it’s disingenuous to suggest this is no different to someone accidentally writing “here” instead of “hear”.

If you saw someone had accidentally missed or added a zero when quoting a price, would you flag it? Or just say, “Oh well - it’s only
a typo”?

So I am really confused it’s a charity for women. Does non binary neither male or female so should they even be using a female only charity. If it is the female side of them then they are a she at that time.

All rubbish

Im going to flag this again. This person is probably vulnerable. But they expect people not only to use three different pronoun forms equally but to remember which cases are which. How would even the most staunch pronoun advocates manage this? Now imagine there are several people like this.

There are also a lot of 'allies' on this thread who think that anyone who 'misgenders' deserves what they get.

In reality even where companies have EDI policies and suggest use of pronouns there is very little take up.

Thinking pronouns are ridiculous is not limited to a few of us on Mumsnet!

^If you saw someone had accidentally missed or added a zero when quoting a price, would you flag it? Or just say, “Oh well - it’s only
a typo”?^

That's also a disingenuous comparison.

There are also a lot of 'allies' on this thread who think that anyone who 'misgenders' deserves what they get.

Yes, they self identify as good "inclusive" people. How could they possibly ever fall foul of it!

Yeah, great idea. OP should deliberately make her own life at work harder to annoy someone else.

Why not break her own legs so that the colleague will have to drive her about too? That’ll REALLY show her.

Second this. Your colleague is a snake and in your shoes I’d be polite, helpful etc, but that would be it.

I’m not trying to suggest OP’s use of she rather than they would have financial implications. But it’s more than just a typo and you know it.

@BrightonFrock

It's an accidental slip. All your analogies are rather disingenuous, including comparing misgendering to breaking someone's legs 🙄

I comprehended it perfectly well.

Ateast two or three times a week someone starts a thread about pronouns and it turns into. 20 page tired of hatred about non binary or trans people. This is exactly what has happened here and it is obvious to everyone that this is what would happen. The only way OP wouldn't know that is if she's never been on Mumsnet before.

Just because I don't agree with you it doesn't mean I can't read.

Sorry, breaking her own legs, an even odder analogy than I thought.