Colleague has complained about me using wrong pronouns

[CandyCane103]

Name changed but have been on mn for a fair while now.

I work in a role which requires me to do casework supporting vulnerable people. I am supporting a member of staff with some cases that fall under my specialism. We've always got along well and I've really enjoyed working with her. I've been here a number of years, she is 6 months in. One of her cases is a non binary person, and she emails me occasionally for advice as it is a long and complex case (has been ongoing for months now since before she joined the team). I usually get it right but have occasionally written 'she' by accident. They have a female name and I am not intentionally using 'she', it just naturally happens. Instead of speaking to me about it, she has made a complaint to my line manager, who has had a word. Line manager was fine about it and it wasn't a telling off. More of a passing on a message.

Now feels very awkward and think my line managers advice to her was that she should speak to me in the first instance. I really want to raise with my colleague that she should have spoken to me instead of running straight to my line manager. Not sure how to handle this as I've never had a complaint from a member of staff and it has ruffled my feathers.

Would you just leave it be?

As the OP was trying to do.

This.
I would consider that colleague to be toxic and would keep things super super professional.
I would be very wary of them going forward, and would actively avoid them as much as possible.
I would hard pass on working with them directly and say in explanation that they have made you feel "unsafe".

THEIR choice to behave that way.
YOUR choice to avoid them now as much as possible.

I read it as a thread about two colleagues.

One who reported the other to their boss over a tiny detail in a long document. (Apparently it was an unusual slip and not a pattern or a deliberate protest or rudeness of any kind.) Reporting this seems petty (at best) or a sign of an attempt to climb the greasy pole of success in an underhand way.

The person with mental health problems is not the focus of the post or most responses.

And this process and extra time having to be invested in the needs of one person demonstrates why it's all so fucked up. It's singling them out as special and deserving of special treatment and extra care compared to another client. And they win either way because heaven forbid you get it wrong they can then complain about how a rogue She has made them feel invalid/like they don't exist - insert dramatic express as appropriate - so they get lots of lovely attention anyway.

If you really have the headspace firstly to ponder whether you are M, F or neither, then go on to raise merry hell when someone occasionally but inevitably gets it wrong then you already have some privilege right there.

Yep! There's so much hate here.

I never hear people on real life banging on about gender ideology, being gender critical or essentially bullying people for being different so thankfully I think it is just MN. People seem a lot more tolerant in real life. In my social circles anyway.

This.
i always use clients name now, instead of pronouns to avoid any issue.

If you really have the headspace firstly to ponder whether you are M, F or neither, then go on to raise merry hell when someone occasionally but inevitably gets it wrong then you already have some privilege right there.

This.

Sorry HP that tirade wasn't meant as a go at you - you're right that searching every comm every time is the only way to guarantee. I agree entirely it's all bonkers

Rather than just raise it with you directly?

No I don't think so.

Most people would be very weary of this colleague, in the real world that you are so keen on referring to most people would prefer the boss had been left out of it as they absolutely didn't need to be involved.

Now feels very awkward and think my line managers advice to her was that she should speak to me in the first instance. I really want to raise with my colleague that she should have spoken to me instead of running straight to my line manager. Not sure how to handle this as I've never had a complaint from a member of staff and it has ruffled my feathers.

You don’t need to raise it with her. Your manager has already dealt with it.

I also think that if you want to progress in your role you have to show that you can explain things and speak for yourself rather than going to management for everything. It has happened twice in email and twice in conversation (apparently, I don't remember) but I feel that if in conversation the right thing to do would be to just correct me and say 'ah, sorry, just to remind you they're non binary and use they/them'. It's not hard.

This is your opinion. She’s your colleague, not your direct report. Leave advice on career progression and relations with colleagues to your manager.

I never hear people on real life banging on about gender ideology, being gender critical or essentially bullying people for being different so thankfully I think it is just MN. People seem a lot more tolerant in real life. In my social circles anyway.

You're not immune to your own echo chambers then.

I'm sure the boss would prefer to have been left out of it as well.

Anyone who sees an adult, raising an issue with their manager about a colleague in line with diversity and inclusion policies most large companies have, as snitching as if it the school playground isn't someone most people should be taking advice from in my opinion.

As tolerant as the OP's colleague was?

So they are non-binary but are accessing the services of a charity that only supports women?

Sounds to me like they are having their cake and eating it!!

So would you report any other typos or spelling mistakes to someone's line manager?

Odd.

The idea that gender critical beliefs exist "only on Mumsnet" is quite a funny one. Ever heard of JK Rowling?

Yes of course we'd all prefer if the colleague raised it with us directly, nobody is disputing that. But it's part of being an adult and a professional to tolerate non-preferable courses of events without making it into a massive drama.

But it's part of being an adult and a professional to tolerate non-preferable courses of events without making it into a massive drama.

It's preferable not to create a "massive drama" over a colleague accidentally slipping up on a pronoun.

But why are we now basing pronouns on gender rather than sex? I’m not sure gender ideologists are in the majority. And the woman being referred to was never going to have privy to the written information about her anyhow. Massively overblown by your colleague.

That's because in the real world people aren't allowed to express their views without experiencing bullying and threating their jobs.

The person with mental health issues absolutely is part of the thread & the replies, some of the comments are the OP & their colleague but most are comments regarding pronouns & gender & using berating language.

At the end of the day it shouldn’t be a big deal to simply use the word ‘they’ for a very vulnerable person who is struggling yet as this thread shows people care more about their right to use she/he than using an alternative word that could really help someone who is in a very bad place mentally. For me if using ‘they’ could make a difference to a vulnerable person then I’ll use it & I find it very sad that others simply don’t care about a vulnerable person & care more about their right to use a word that could make that person struggle even more

For those who are saying, be short and distant with her - that is workplace bullying

Most people are saying be polite and professional.

Some of us have suggested she stops offering so much support - frankly 6 months in highlighting to line manger colleague still needs a lot of support isn't unreasonable perhaps colleague is not the best person to be interacting with the vulnerable client and client may need a more experienced person.

It also means OP taking herself out of the colleague firing line - so there is less to find fault with going forward.

This.

And it's fucking laughable when you consider the drama and hyperbole that's used the other way round.

Or in other words - Do as we say and accept without question and we won't have any problems.

The problem here Peach is that you are assuming that the OP has deliberately 'misgendered' the client in the report. There is no evidence that this is the case.

I am absolutely certain that the best response would have been for the colleague to raise it directly with the OP then if it continued or if the OP said that they were not prepared to use the clients pronouns in the report as a matter of personal beliefs, it is then an EDI issue that needed to be raised as a point of policy with the manager.

Many businesses are quietly dropping pronouns because, they must be causing HR an awful lot of headaches , isn't Linked In the most recent one to do so?