Badly behaved child at funeral

[bizzybeing]

My Granddad died recently at the age of 102 and the funeral was this week. DM and her siblings let all the grandchildren know that the great-grandchildren were very welcome at the funeral but not expected and that it was up to us, as parents, to decide whether or not to bring them.

The great-grandchildren range in age from 14yo to 3mo. The older kids all came as did the baby which was no problem. My cousin decided that her 2yo and 4yo would never sit still so didn't bring them.

We discussed it with our boys and they were all keen to go. DS1 (11yo) and DS2 (8yo) are both generally well behaved so I was happy they should come. DS3 is 5yo and can be a menace so I was less sure about taking him but it was a 4hr drive from home and so we'd have to leave him overnight by himself with the PILs. The PILs were happy to do that but DS3 really didn't want to be left so we agreed to take him. Beforehand we set out clear expectations for him and also agreed that if he didn't cope with sitting still then DH would just take him out and go for a walk.

My DB and SIL also decided to bring their kids. My nephew (10yo) was a delight as always. However my niece (5yo) was, in my opinion, a badly behaved brat. DB and family arrived late (they delayed the coffin to let them into the chapel first) because DN refused to get dressed and then DN proceeded to demonstrate her gymnastics skills at the front of the chapel through the entire service! DB and SIL made a few half hearted attempts to get her to sit down but basically just let her carry on doing cartwheels and twirling around waving a scarf over her head.

AIBU to think that if she couldn't sit at least reasonably still then DN should have been taken out of the service?

FWIW this is fairly standard behaviour for DN and DB and SIL could easily have left her at home. They only had a 45min drive to get to the funeral which started at 11am and was on a day they both normally work so have routine childcare from 8am-6pm.

I don't know. I'm not a 'gentle parent' my children are late teens now and know how to behave.

BUT, I'm actually more tolerant of silly behaviour by children as I get older, it's never the child's fault. There's all manner of reasons for silly behaviour, I quite like silly behaviour rather than five year olds being solem because of death.

Lolz.

As if your brother described his five year old as 'an independent young woman'.

In things that also didn't happen last week...

Not my DB but yes my SIL really did! I was also astounded that anyone would describe a 5yo that way! Apparently that is why she never does as she's told...

The fact that they didn’t perhaps suggests the behaviour in question wasn’t particularly disruptive.

Yes this is appalling of the parents. I would expect a child of 3 or up to sit still for an hour to be honest, maybe not silent but keep on or very near their seat. And if course if they don't, take them out straight away.

Something a bit similar (but obviously not as bad) happened to us last Christmas, we went to church on Christmas day and it was a very beautiful but formal, adult service, nothing for kids at all, which we didn't realise as usually there's a nod to them. We sat at the front and my 2 kids aged 2 and 4 were sitting nicely with a few toys and colouring bits but my nieces aged 5 and 7 apparently can't be expected to sit for 40 minutes so my brother in law their dad was actually lying down on the floor of the church with them. Urgh so embarrassing. Actually the problem here is the dad not the kids as they were fine on this occasion, although they are also the run around in restaurants type. They are from London where expectations of child behaviour seem to be much lower than up here!

If that is actually true.

I pity you @bizzybeing.

Eugh.

Neither our vicar nor the church warden would have stood for this crap. She would have paused proceedings and taken the situation in hand. Totally inappropriate and disrespectful behaviour in a church at any time, let alone a funeral.
I am fuming for you OP. You have lost your grandad and deserved one final time to pay your respects to him without someone else making it all about her.

Instead of referring to your DN as a "badly behaved brat", maybe see where culpability lies, which is with the useless parents.
And, if the rest of you are so feeble as not have intervened, then you're all enablers.

an independant woman at 5? poor kid doesnt stan a chance with those parents

Well death is a sad thing, like it or not.

That's not the point really though. People were joining together to remember a loved one, listening to the music readings or whatever. Some of these people were close relatives of the deceased, probably emotional, probably nervous, had put thought into what they were going to say. It's disrespectful to them to cause a scene and distract from the service. Presumably this child didn't care or understand what it was all about.

Silly behaviour is fine at home, outside, at playtime, even in child friendly church services. It's not unreasonable to expect an hour of sitting quietly on a very occasional basis. Not the child's fault but makes the parents appear very selfish and attention seeking

Part of me agrees with your enabler comment, but unfortunately, parents today don’t respond to kindly to other adults telling their child off.

It would have been better for them to take her out but in all I would have thought your grandad would be smiling about the cheekiness of it somewhere.

It’s on her parents, they should have removed her.
i Had to take My 2 year old to my dh’s dads funeral and whisked him straight out once he started doing his toddler nonsense, it’s not that hard !!

Agree it’s the parents who are ruining her, but o don’t think anybody else could have intervened as you’re not really meant to parent someone else’s child either!!!

You're not unreasonable at all, OP. I remember one particularly awful funeral where not only did several children constantly disrupt the service, but demanded to join in the eulogies after hearing adults speak. Indulgent parents asked that their 7-year-old be allowed to speak about grandma (cue child in the limelight, with nothing to say and parents prompting about how much he'd loved grandma, and him just mucking about with the microphone). Of course every other child also then wanted to get up and not say something while twirling around with the microphone and singing bits from Frozen... I was one of around 50% of mourners who left in the middle of it and went to the venue where the wake was being held. We decided to eat and drink in peace before the spoiled brats arrived and ruined the wake, too.

I'm not seeing your uncle's 'humour' at all there

Terrible behavior, but the fault of the ineffectual parents rather than the child.

However, unless a very close relative I probably wouldn't take a child to a funeral until they are 10-12 yrs old tbh.

Disagree all you like but it wasn't your mum's funeral

Sorry

Internet playing up

Why are you disagree with the person who was discussing their own parents funeral?

You can't tell someone they shouldn't have been upset!

And the vicar/celebrant didn't intervene?

that's terrible. some parents today have really lost all reason. so sorry that happened to you. if my kids did that (which they wouldn't!) I would remove them myself and we'd just wait outside out of respect and consideration.

It was an informal service with a humanist celebrant. She tried to prevent the first child from participating but the parents were very pushy, and after that she had no chance. And of course all the family, with their more indulgent attitudes, were at the front. The friends and older and more horrified family members towards the back just got up and left. Several of us, having helped ourselves to the buffet and had a drink in the hotel where the wake was hosted, got up and left again when the beaming families and over-excited children started to arrive.

Well, surely that worked out well for everyone, then?

It was their grandparent.

Ultimately I can disagree with whatever I like.

I didn't tell them they couldn't be upset.

You can be upset about whatever you like.

I just said I wasn't upset about my grandparents' death. Despite loving them.

@Radamanth why are you so rude and unpleasant? Grow up.