Badly behaved child at funeral

[bizzybeing]

My Granddad died recently at the age of 102 and the funeral was this week. DM and her siblings let all the grandchildren know that the great-grandchildren were very welcome at the funeral but not expected and that it was up to us, as parents, to decide whether or not to bring them.

The great-grandchildren range in age from 14yo to 3mo. The older kids all came as did the baby which was no problem. My cousin decided that her 2yo and 4yo would never sit still so didn't bring them.

We discussed it with our boys and they were all keen to go. DS1 (11yo) and DS2 (8yo) are both generally well behaved so I was happy they should come. DS3 is 5yo and can be a menace so I was less sure about taking him but it was a 4hr drive from home and so we'd have to leave him overnight by himself with the PILs. The PILs were happy to do that but DS3 really didn't want to be left so we agreed to take him. Beforehand we set out clear expectations for him and also agreed that if he didn't cope with sitting still then DH would just take him out and go for a walk.

My DB and SIL also decided to bring their kids. My nephew (10yo) was a delight as always. However my niece (5yo) was, in my opinion, a badly behaved brat. DB and family arrived late (they delayed the coffin to let them into the chapel first) because DN refused to get dressed and then DN proceeded to demonstrate her gymnastics skills at the front of the chapel through the entire service! DB and SIL made a few half hearted attempts to get her to sit down but basically just let her carry on doing cartwheels and twirling around waving a scarf over her head.

AIBU to think that if she couldn't sit at least reasonably still then DN should have been taken out of the service?

FWIW this is fairly standard behaviour for DN and DB and SIL could easily have left her at home. They only had a 45min drive to get to the funeral which started at 11am and was on a day they both normally work so have routine childcare from 8am-6pm.

Funerals aren't for the deceased though are they? They are for the living.

Incredibly disrespectful. They should parent better and stop her ruining events for others especially funerals! The rest of the family managed to only take children who they were sure could sit nicely and when you were unsure you had a plan to quickly remove your son. It's not hard. I would have liked to think the grandparents of that child would have said something too!

I would have found it a welcome distraction.
I always feel completely numb at funerals, like my brain switches off, and then the tears come afterwards.

I wouldn't have seen it as disrespectful. It would have been confusing for a five year old seeing adults upset, and she probably didn't know how to deal with it so distracted herself with her cartwheels (on a side note it's quite impressive that a five year old can do cartwheels).

When I was five, my parents took me to my aunty's funeral (she was only 25 when she died).
I couldn't process any of it, and it scared me to see all the adults around me so distraught. I kept looking at the coffin and asking if my aunty was really in there.
When it came to the burial, I just couldn't deal with it and my instinct was to just run away from it all. I ran and ran.

You may not know the full story.
Perhaps the parents planned to leave her in care and were pressured into bringing her by another family member. Perhaps they knew taking her out of the church would result in an epic tantrum. Perhaps someone whispered to them whilst the cartwheels were happening how nice it was to see something joyous and so they were conflicted.
It’s difficult to always make the right choice in the moment.
A bit of Grace goes a long way.

I remember being taken to a funeral when I was little. I was warned beforehand not to laugh and then that’s all I could focus on so much so that I ended up laughing. I felt rubbish about it for the longest time afterwards. But really I shouldn’t have been taken to the funeral. I didn’t even know the deceased.
I bet that poor girl knows she misbehaved and now feels terrible. Something she doesn’t get to ‘do over’ and will now have to live with this memory.

Bloody hell. Some parents are absolutely pathetic.

The best funerals begin with tears and end with laughter.

For what it's worth this behaviour would have been equally inappropriate at a Christening or a Wedding. It's not ok to let your child make an exhibition of themself at a ceremony for other people. It's completely different to letting them sit on the floor with a book or colouring.

SIL should as stayed at home with her. They should have pre-empted this behaviour.

Oh dear, they should have taken her out.

I took my eldest to our last family funeral, but left her 2 brothers at home as they were too young to reliably behave (3yo twins).

Childcare can be tricky - I took eldest to one when she was 4 months old as she was ebf and it was 4 hours drive away so am overnight stay. But nearby and with childcare there isn't an excuse.

In response to people saying I shouldn't call DN a brat, you are right. It's not really her I'm annoyed with its DB and SIL who as some people correctly guessed are very keen on the form of gentle parenting that doesn't seem to involve any discipline and are mostly glued to their phones.

My DH did think about taking DN out himself but didn't feel it was his place to as an in-law and DM and I were both taking part in the service so couldn't leave.

The funeral was very much a celebration of a long life well lived and at the wake all the children had a great time but the service was a serious occasion as despite the long life (or perhaps because of it) there is a big hole left where Granddad once was. I also don't think Granddad would have been happy about it. He loved all the kids but was quite formal and formal church was a big part of his life and he actively avoided family services.

I've pointed out to DB and SIL previously that DN's behaviour isn't appropriate (running around in a restaurant) but was told that she's an independent young woman who knows her own mind! She seems to manage to behave just fine at school or when my DDad and step-mum are looking after her.

The suggestions to try and forget about it are very wise. There is nothing I can do about it and hopefully it'll be a long time before there are any more family funerals to go to.

@PaleBrunette So what if the child might have had an epic tantrum? At five, she is still small enough to be picked up and carried out far enough away from the service to not be heard. I realise that most five year olds probably won't have attended funerals before and won't really understand death, but it certainly isn't too young to understand that when your parents tell you that you are to sit quietly, not talk, and sit still for less than an hour, you bloody well do as you are told!

In an ideal world the child's parents should have removed her at the first inkling of circus exhibitionism.
Sorry for your loss. Your family, as well as your grandfather, are very fortunate that he lived a long long life.

It might help to move on if you think of Grandad chuckling at the wee girl. Did he like her concerts when she came to visit?

Good point At least no one will forget the funeral. Let it go

I'm all in favour of kids going to funerals and I don't expect them to be quiet all the time but doing cartwheels at a funeral is ridiculous. So sorry for your loss.

YANBU. “We don’t do cartwheels at a funeral” should have been said. From the pulpit if necessary.

This^^ Funerals are no place for children.

She’s five and did some cartwheels and twirling at a funeral. She didn’t get drunk and get into a fistfight on the altar mid-service. Why on earth would she be ‘feeling terrible’ or need to ‘live with the memory’? Are you perpetually haunted by your misdeeds from when you were five?

@EmraldSky I am on the fence with this one. the funeral was likely a celebration of life. I dont think its fair to leave a child at home if both parents wanted to attend. its unfair of you to refer to her as a brat. kids that age can be difficult. I have an almost 4yo and she has so much energy she runs around and gets excited by new places. Am i a bad parent for not telling her to keep still? I dont want to hold her down and dont want to shout as thats so damaging to a young child. removing her wouldnt have been easy either. I have been to weddings where I had had to remove her from the ceremony and wait outside. she cried, she screamed. its hard on the parents too. i'm not sure how different a 3.5 yo is from a 5 yo. i havent got there yet

Okay, as you haven’t a clue as you haven’t got there yet. A 5yo goes to school and is bound by appropriate behaviours there. They don’t do cartwheels down the aisle in assemblies or dances involving scarves because they know that the teacher will bump that on the head immediately and there will be repercussions. They behave appropriately, but there is some ‘wiggling’ that is expected. This child would not behave like this at school, but behaved like that in this setting (and I suspect similarly in many other settings outside school) because they know their parents will fully allow them to take the piss.

I think that's terrible behaviour, someone should have either taken her to the back to sit down or outside. Our family vicar told someone off for being late and keeping everyone waiting at a small family service, she was known to always be late.

Yes, but that is exactly what the parents are making her. She does sound a show off. The parents should not have taken her.
I would also have a word with the parents saying that the behavior was inappropriate for the occasion.

Easy to say it but they probably both wanted to be there for the funeral. Sorry for your loss but cut people a bit of slack at times like this.

It doesn't matter if on this particular occasion Grandad would or wouldn't have liked it. You should be able to tell your children to sit down and be respectful for a short while if it is required, and if you can't, then you shouldn't bring them. I had a friend who let her daughter cartwheel around restaurants and the library, with the vague excuse "It's not hurting anyone", which it isn't - until it is. We're not friends anymore. Leaving your kids to behave badly because you can't manage them just because sometimes it's ok is just asking for a problem sooner or later.

But equally, surely they aren't considering anyone else and their grief? If I was emotional and upset because my grandfather had just passed away, I would hate having a small child dossing around the middle of the service and would be liable to snap at them and their parents. I suppose that would make me a bad person, but surely I also deserve consideration and leeway if I'm grieving too?

I am surprised the vicar/person officiating the service didn’t ask her parents to take her outside.

Awful one of her parents should have taken her out. In our family if the parents hadn't acted then one of the Aunts, Uncles or Grandparents would have stepped in and sorted it for them, likely me, dsis or dd who are known for firm boundaries, and they wouldn't have complained for being told the error of their ways. I know it's not like that in every family though. So sorry for the loss of your Grandad