My Host told me not to go somewhere.

[Mearabade]

Me and my cousin had a big argument over this. I still think she was being totally unreasonable, but she made me feel like I was being unreasonable.

She asked me to stay with her for a weekend earlier this year.

She lives in a different country to me, so it's a long journey over to see her.

I went over. My aunty (not her mother) lives near her, so i said that I would pop up to see my aunty while I was there.

My cousin got really angry and told me that she didn't want me to go to see my aunt, that i was there to see her.

My cousin seemed to think that because I was staying with her, that she could control my every move.

I said I was going up to my aunt.

I came back to my cousins house. My cousin was really angry and shouted at me to get out of her house. My cousin seemed to be angry that I "went against her".

I was shocked at her anger and I left. I just thought that she was so over the top.

I left her house day early.

We sent each other one long angry message each, and then haven't spoken to each other since. As I'm just shocked by her behaviour.
She was so extreme.

What I gathered from her message is that she seemed to think I was using her for a place to stay.

Not true. And after experiencing her anger I wish I'd stayed in a hotel.

What I wrote back to her is

"While it was nice of you to let me stay with you, I'm an adult and you can't tell me or any other adult not to go anywhere!".

What do you all think.

If this is the full and acurate story then YANBU.

I suspect there is more to this?

No that was it .

I just think maybe she had something else upsetting her in her life, and that she took her anger out on me maybe? I was honestly really shocked by her extreme behavior.

She was so rude and nasty, I definitely won't be going again.

I just still feel shocked and hurt by her behaviour.

Very strange behaviour unless either there is some kind of back story between her and the aunt or you spent all your time with the aunt and none with her

Trying to guess what was behind her reaction, I’d go with you’d travelled a long way for a very short amount of time (so not likely to be repeated regularly), so she wanted to make the most of your time together.

You going off without her made her feel a bit rejected, maybe?

No i literally just popped up to see my aunt for about an hour, and then went back.

I don't know. Everything she said was so bizarre and unreasonable. And extreme.

When i was there with her she shouted at me to get out of her house. She shouted at me . I never raised my voice at her. I just left after she said it.

After i left, She also then sent me a really long message on facebook. It was an extremely long message

In part of The message she said

"I could forgive you for what you did this weekend, but the fact that you made me shout at you in front of my child, I will never forgive or forget"

Is that not really weird behaviour? I just find it really weird. Her behaviour doenst make sense.

Is that all we're getting OP? Did your long, angry messages shed any light on all this?

Yeah, that does seem extreme.

Yes Maybe. But there was no need to be that extreme about it.

Maybe something else was angering her that weekend, and i just happened to be there and she lashed out at me.

Just seen you've added a bit more.

I wrote what we said in the messages.

Ok. We posted at the same time :)

Reply “excuse me. You are an adult. I did not MAKE you do any such thing. You chose to become angry about a totally reasonable situation and you chose to yell. Don’t you dare put that on me. Maybe consider anger management therapy because you were out of control and it is more than a little concerning. Do not contact me again until you are ready to apologise for treating me so poorly”

It does sound very extreme - that she won’t forgive or forget. No one can MAKE someone shout at them. All you can really do is reach out and see if she will offer clarification or an apology

It's hard to believe a cousin could act this way! Does she have previous for being mental?

You can't reason with that behaviour OP. Just extracate yourself and leave it for now.

She asked you to come and stay… why? Is there a back story there?
Did she need you for some reason or expect/plan a wee weekend just the two of you?

The only reason I can even think why she’s react that way is if she invited you specially for a weekend just the two of you and she planned it accordingly for whatever reason, maybe she needed some support or something?

Did you tell her before you went that you planned to see your aunt? If I was staying with someone for the weekend, I’d let them know beforehand that I was going to have a coffee with my Aunt just so they’d know the plan. It’s only polite.

I’m not assuming you did anything wrong, it’s just such an odd reaction that I’m trying to figure out why.

@Mearabade you think what you think, she thinks what she thinks, you both think you are right.
(As I've said before on here.)
None of us know the full details so can't factually answer.

I honestly don't know what was going on with her.
She was that angry and extreme that I was honestly a bit frightened of her.

I remember that I did reply to her at the time , "no one can make you shout. You chose to shout ".

Nobody “makes” anyone shout… they choose to do this. I suspect she is lonely and possibly finding motherhood difficult. Not your fault though.

She asked me to come and stay because we roughly saw each other about once a year before that. We are both working and busy in different countries,so that's why it was about once a year.

And she said "it would be good to catch up". And she asked me over. And I said I would go over. And we arranged a weekend to go over.

No, I didn't say that i was going for coffee with my aunt. I wouldn't think I'd need to tell someone that, as she only lives up the road.

That's where I differ in opinion to my cousin I guess. She thinks I should only see her when I go to see her.

But I know that this same cousin has gone to visit our mutual relatives in another country, stayed in one of their houses, and then she went round to see other relatives in other houses while she was there. She didnt jsut stay in one house all weekend, So it was fine when she did it.

I think it's normal if you go over to another country and there's another family member nearby , just to pop up to say hello

Do you worry about her mental health? As it doesn't sound a normal reaction. Unless for some reason she hates that aunt and she doesn't want to visit her.

That's very bizarre most people would love a guest to have some alone time elsewhere as it's exhausting having guests ... is there a problem
Do you think in her life?

"You made me shout at you..."

Has there ever been any indication up to now that your cousin is a raging narcissist?

Or any indication she has BPD?

That's the worst I've ever seen her. She was very nasty. I didn't like her behavior at all.

But I'd only seen her about one weekend a year before that. So I hadn't seen her consistently

The way she said "you made me shout at you".

I just thought, isn't that the way that an abusive person speaks to people.

Like they shout and scream at someone, then they say the other person made them do it.