My Host told me not to go somewhere.

[Mearabade]

Me and my cousin had a big argument over this. I still think she was being totally unreasonable, but she made me feel like I was being unreasonable.

She asked me to stay with her for a weekend earlier this year.

She lives in a different country to me, so it's a long journey over to see her.

I went over. My aunty (not her mother) lives near her, so i said that I would pop up to see my aunty while I was there.

My cousin got really angry and told me that she didn't want me to go to see my aunt, that i was there to see her.

My cousin seemed to think that because I was staying with her, that she could control my every move.

I said I was going up to my aunt.

I came back to my cousins house. My cousin was really angry and shouted at me to get out of her house. My cousin seemed to be angry that I "went against her".

I was shocked at her anger and I left. I just thought that she was so over the top.

I left her house day early.

We sent each other one long angry message each, and then haven't spoken to each other since. As I'm just shocked by her behaviour.
She was so extreme.

What I gathered from her message is that she seemed to think I was using her for a place to stay.

Not true. And after experiencing her anger I wish I'd stayed in a hotel.

What I wrote back to her is

"While it was nice of you to let me stay with you, I'm an adult and you can't tell me or any other adult not to go anywhere!".

What do you all think.

Isn't the issue likely to be some sort of falling out between her and your aunt?

Her behaviour is awful but did you discuss visiting the aunt before you went?

Just wondering how old is the child? Is she a new mother by any chance, could she be suffering from PND?

And the hypocrisy is the cousin does this herself, goes to stay with some relatives and visits others whilst staying in their house.

I’d be reminding her that she did exactly the same. Very odd reaction.

When you have travelled that distance, going to see your aunt for an hour is perfectly reasonable. I imagine your aunt would be upset to hear you were down the road and didn't visit. Your cousin is also entitled to be disappointed and express that e.g. 'oh I was hoping we could X, will you be back by Y to go?'. She is not entitled to control you, shout at you and blame you out of all proportion. It definitely sounds like something is going on that has triggered this. I would probably just let it lie, as unless she reflects and realises this, you won't get a rational conversation.

Obviously her behaviour is not ok.

Have you previously had a decent relationship? Is this out of character? I'm just wondering if she's in crisis in some way.

Not that it's your job to sort out on any way, if it's not your usual relationship there may be something going on.

I know that MN is generally very hard boundaried, and that can be a good thing, but, but we're all human and if you've had a previously good relationship, I'd probably have a chat in a 'hey, is everything OK?' way.

Look, boundaries are great, but so are familial relationships.

I had a bit of a dick situation once with a friend, and I asked a mutual friend for advice.

Her response?

Literally 'Not my circus, not my monkeys'.

And that was the end of two friendships for me.

Because I think it's very easy to be too hard-line.

My point being, it's always worth a chat.

She might be a dick, she might be struggling. It's worth at least trying to find out.

You made her shout at you in front of her child? 🙄 God forbid she take any responsibility whatsoever for her poor grasp on her emotional control. I feel sorry for her child’s future if she’s got a history for being so reactive and blaming other people for her poor behaviour. If she can’t communicate effectively as an adult and has to resort to shouting every time she perceives someone offends her then that’s her problem to deal with and not yours. She sounds controlling and unhinged.

Some people are drama seekers.
Does she have form for this?
I know of someone who gets really annoyed when family meet up together locally when they live quite far away but doesn’t want to meet up with them when they are in their area for a weekend for example. Insular behaviour.

Don't do this. It won't help. Too many keyboard warriors on this site....

This is difficult to comment on without knowing what relationship your cousin has with your aunt. If this is a relative she had previously fallen out with then it's more understandable, albeit unfair to you. If it's just (to her) some random other person that she has no direct relationship with then it's utterly batshit.

I agree with this. Mumsnet can be brutal on friendship but OP you’re the one whose going to lose a cousin over this.

Agree with PP, if this is out of character for her then it’s likely there’s something going on and she’s struggling.

Just checking, did you arrive and then immediately go and see your aunt before you’d done anything with your cousin? That would annoy me. Obviously not ok to scream and shout either way though.

My DM does this. She went back to her home country nearly 30 years ago, there are literally dozens of aunts, cousins etc living in the same town or close by whom I never get to see when I visit DM as she makes it so awkward. Doesn't rant and rave but rather gives me the silent treatment. She even does it if I stay too long with my Dsis!
For the past 10 years my DS has also lived in the same country but in the Capital about 3 hours drive from DM. Fitting a visit to both in a weekend is really difficult but DM makes my life a misery if I don't. The solution has been that I don't tell her that we are visiting DS which in turn means that I cannot see other family members there lest she finds out. My advice OP do not visit your cousin again without an apology and make it clear your her your plans before you go. I wish I had called DM out on her behaviou years ago, she is now too old to change. She has missed out on so much because of it.

@denimstork8

You do not know our family dynamic. It does not work like that. None of my children visit her, including the one in her country because of this and other behaviours which have no place on this thread.

I see where she's coming from but her reaction was over the top.

You should have stayed longer if you were going to make the rounds of your family.

Is your cousin related to the aunt you saw?

Do they get on?

Did you mention when you first discussed and arranged this that you’d like to pop over and see your aunt? Did your cousin have something planned at the time you went to see here (eg a day trip for you all?).

Sounds like a miscommunication tome, but still doesn’t justify the way your cousin behaved.

That's where I differ in opinion to my cousin I guess. She thinks I should only see her when I go to see her
I think your behaviour was rude. If I were inviting a relative for a weekend, and upon arriving, they were telling they had planned to see another relative, without me, during that short stay, I wouldn't be impressed either. I would have expected them to either arrange an extra day, before or after to spend with the other relative, or I would have at least asked, before going there if it was OK and would have done it first thing when arriving or last before going back.

Does she get on with your aunt?

You're an adult so it's not like you need to get your absence authorised. It was only an hour out of the whole weekend. A very extreme reaction indeed.

To be honest - even if I’d felt slightly put out by your visit - eg if you’d taken yourself off as soon as you’d arrived - in the circs I wouldn’t have made any kind of fuss. I may be a people pleaser, but honestly this is a situation I would just simply ‘let go’

<possibly projecting wildly here>

So I come from family with dynamics like this.

My parents have strict "rules" on visiting. That means you need to come for the maximum time possible, you need to spend every single second with them and you must spend the time doing their approved activities.
If you do not do these things there will be repercussions (e.g. I once stopped off at a shop on the way to visit which delayed me by about 20 minutes and this resulted in 2 hours of shouting and screaming despite me still arriving when I said I would).

As a child and young adult I thought this was normal. So, whilst not behaving quite as extremely as OP's host, I would expect any friends visiting me to do the same. I didn't actually shout and scream at anyone but I would be extremely unhappy about someone visiting and not conforming to what I thought were expected visit rules. Because it felt like a rejection of me, based on what I'd learned as a child.

It's genuinely taken me a very long time (many years) to realise that just because someone doesn't want to spend every second of their visit with you this does not mean they do not like you. Unpicking learned behaviour (particularly when you are "expecting" bad consequences if you don't do the "right" thing) is really really hard.

So, I wonder about OP's host's upbringing. Is she mimicking behaviour that she is accustomed to and has not yet realised that this isn't "the norm"? The "see what you made me do" response is also the sort of thing that I'd grown up with and would have seen as normal.