Page 4 | My Host told me not to go somewhere.

Mearabade · 2024-12-06T00:54:45+00:00

Me and my cousin had a big argument over this. I still think she was being totally unreasonable, but she made me feel like I was being unreasonable. She asked me to stay with her for a weekend earlier this year. She lives in a different country to me, so it's a long journey over to see her. I went over. My aunty (not her mother) lives near her, so i said that I would pop up to see my aunty while I was there. My cousin got really angry and told me that she didn't want me to go to see my aunt, that i was there to see her. My cousin seemed to think that because I was staying with her, that she could control my every move. I said I was going up to my aunt. I came back to my cousins house. My cousin was really angry and shouted at me to get out of her house. My cousin seemed to be angry that I "went against her". I was shocked at her anger and I left. I just thought that she was so over the top. I left her house day early. We sent each other one long angry message each, and then haven't spoken to each other since. As I'm just shocked by her behaviour. She was so extreme. What I gathered from her message is that she seemed to think I was using her for a place to stay. Not true. And after experiencing her anger I wish I'd stayed in a hotel. What I wrote back to her is "While it was nice of you to let me stay with you, I'm an adult and you can't tell me or any other adult not to go anywhere!". What do you all think.

HotChocolateNotCocoa · 06/12/2024 08:46

LigamentBandy · 06/12/2024 01:32

@Mearabade you think what you think, she thinks what she thinks, you both think you are right.
(As I've said before on here.)
None of us know the full details so can't factually answer.

Thank goodness you shared this. It’s right up there with “It is what it is” and “There are two sides to every story”.

Jumell · 06/12/2024 08:48

redskydarknight · 06/12/2024 08:45

So I come from family with dynamics like this.

My parents have strict "rules" on visiting. That means you need to come for the maximum time possible, you need to spend every single second with them and you must spend the time doing their approved activities.
If you do not do these things there will be repercussions (e.g. I once stopped off at a shop on the way to visit which delayed me by about 20 minutes and this resulted in 2 hours of shouting and screaming despite me still arriving when I said I would).

As a child and young adult I thought this was normal. So, whilst not behaving quite as extremely as OP's host, I would expect any friends visiting me to do the same. I didn't actually shout and scream at anyone but I would be extremely unhappy about someone visiting and not conforming to what I thought were expected visit rules. Because it felt like a rejection of me, based on what I'd learned as a child.

It's genuinely taken me a very long time (many years) to realise that just because someone doesn't want to spend every second of their visit with you this does not mean they do not like you. Unpicking learned behaviour (particularly when you are "expecting" bad consequences if you don't do the "right" thing) is really really hard.

So, I wonder about OP's host's upbringing. Is she mimicking behaviour that she is accustomed to and has not yet realised that this isn't "the norm"? The "see what you made me do" response is also the sort of thing that I'd grown up with and would have seen as normal.

Gosh that sentence about

‘unpicking learned behaviour’ is just so so on the money !!

toucheee · 06/12/2024 08:52

vivainsomnia · 06/12/2024 08:36

That's where I differ in opinion to my cousin I guess. She thinks I should only see her when I go to see her
I think your behaviour was rude. If I were inviting a relative for a weekend, and upon arriving, they were telling they had planned to see another relative, without me, during that short stay, I wouldn't be impressed either. I would have expected them to either arrange an extra day, before or after to spend with the other relative, or I would have at least asked, before going there if it was OK and would have done it first thing when arriving or last before going back.

The OP’s aunt lives up the road, OP walked to her house for an hour. An hour.

This is what family does, they pop in and see each other when they fly over.

And OP says her cousin does the same when she visits family abroad.

You expecting OP to book an extra day for an hour’s visit is bizarre.

Dolphinnoises · 06/12/2024 08:52

(Deleted - asking a question which I’d missed the answer to)

toucheee · 06/12/2024 08:55

Dolphinnoises · 06/12/2024 08:52

(Deleted - asking a question which I’d missed the answer to)

Edited

An hour is hardly ‘the lion’s share’
of a weekend. The aunt lives up the road.

janeavrilavril · 06/12/2024 08:56

toucheee · 06/12/2024 08:52

The OP’s aunt lives up the road, OP walked to her house for an hour. An hour.

This is what family does, they pop in and see each other when they fly over.

And OP says her cousin does the same when she visits family abroad.

You expecting OP to book an extra day for an hour’s visit is bizarre.

Show quote history

If it was literally an hour what was the point in visiting. And if it was more than an hour well why wouldn't the cousin be upset.

Copperoliverbear · 06/12/2024 09:05

Visiting your aunt was fine, but maybe your cousin would have liked to have gone with you, it also sounds to me like she has mental health issues.

Seymour5 · 06/12/2024 09:05

The more I read about some family behaviours, the more grateful I am for ours. No family is perfect, but some expectations of how others should behave seem bizarre to me. Thankfully, we’re all pretty laid back when it comes to visiting and/or meeting up.

We have no family members nearby, the nearest is an hour, some are seven or eight hours away. We had a get together earlier this year for about fourteen of us. There was no resentment from those who couldn’t make it, or of those who chose not to come. We keep in touch sporadically, by phone, messaging etc. Happy when we do see each other, but very accepting of reasons when we don’t, and no expectations. It seems to work pretty well.

redskydarknight · 06/12/2024 09:10

Seymour5 · 06/12/2024 09:05

The more I read about some family behaviours, the more grateful I am for ours. No family is perfect, but some expectations of how others should behave seem bizarre to me. Thankfully, we’re all pretty laid back when it comes to visiting and/or meeting up.

We have no family members nearby, the nearest is an hour, some are seven or eight hours away. We had a get together earlier this year for about fourteen of us. There was no resentment from those who couldn’t make it, or of those who chose not to come. We keep in touch sporadically, by phone, messaging etc. Happy when we do see each other, but very accepting of reasons when we don’t, and no expectations. It seems to work pretty well.

And I think your family's way of doing things is really healthy and I suspect means you are all closer and have better relationships as a result.

But you only have to look at MN threads where people are insistent that certain things are expected to realise that different people have different belief and value systems, and these will be largely based on childhood experiences.

At the risk of putting more things on schools, it would be really helpful for children to be taught about what makes healthy relationships (family, friends and romantic), what are reasonable behaviour expectations and what are not etc.
Very very many people don't think about their behaviour because they think it is normal.

HotChocolateNotCocoa · 06/12/2024 09:18

janeavrilavril · 06/12/2024 08:56

If it was literally an hour what was the point in visiting. And if it was more than an hour well why wouldn't the cousin be upset.

Show quote history

I don’t see how an hour’s visit is pointless.

vivainsomnia · 06/12/2024 10:45

The OP’s aunt lives up the road, OP walked to her house for an hour. An hour
I agree if OP said before that she would only stay for an hour. Did she though or did she end up for just one hour because of the cousin's upset?

Original poster

Mearabade · 06/12/2024 10:49

vivainsomnia · 06/12/2024 08:36

That's where I differ in opinion to my cousin I guess. She thinks I should only see her when I go to see her
I think your behaviour was rude. If I were inviting a relative for a weekend, and upon arriving, they were telling they had planned to see another relative, without me, during that short stay, I wouldn't be impressed either. I would have expected them to either arrange an extra day, before or after to spend with the other relative, or I would have at least asked, before going there if it was OK and would have done it first thing when arriving or last before going back.

You're entitled to your opinion absolutely , but I have to say that i don't agree really.

No one can tell another adult that they can't go somewhere. That's control.

I know that this same angry cousin stayed with one of our other cousins in another country for a weekend. We have a large extended family in different countries.

While she was there for a weekend, she went around to visit every aunt, uncle and cousin in the town.

I saw the photos on a family instagram page.

She went to loads of different houses in one weekend.

The difference is the cousin that she stayed with over there, is extremely nice and kind. I went to visit her once and she was so lovely.

OP posts:

Original poster

Mearabade · 06/12/2024 10:52

redskydarknight · 06/12/2024 08:45

So I come from family with dynamics like this.

My parents have strict "rules" on visiting. That means you need to come for the maximum time possible, you need to spend every single second with them and you must spend the time doing their approved activities.
If you do not do these things there will be repercussions (e.g. I once stopped off at a shop on the way to visit which delayed me by about 20 minutes and this resulted in 2 hours of shouting and screaming despite me still arriving when I said I would).

As a child and young adult I thought this was normal. So, whilst not behaving quite as extremely as OP's host, I would expect any friends visiting me to do the same. I didn't actually shout and scream at anyone but I would be extremely unhappy about someone visiting and not conforming to what I thought were expected visit rules. Because it felt like a rejection of me, based on what I'd learned as a child.

It's genuinely taken me a very long time (many years) to realise that just because someone doesn't want to spend every second of their visit with you this does not mean they do not like you. Unpicking learned behaviour (particularly when you are "expecting" bad consequences if you don't do the "right" thing) is really really hard.

So, I wonder about OP's host's upbringing. Is she mimicking behaviour that she is accustomed to and has not yet realised that this isn't "the norm"? The "see what you made me do" response is also the sort of thing that I'd grown up with and would have seen as normal.

Thanks for the reply. Yes I guess it could be learned behaviour from her parents.

To follow a strict routine maybe .

OP posts:

vivainsomnia · 06/12/2024 10:52

I don't think it was wrong to visit your aunt, just that it would have been kind to let her know what was your intention before.

Did you tell her it would only be one hour?
Did you suggest you go together?
Did she maybe had planned something that afternoon?

I find the whole thing odd. I was visiting someone, we'd b talking about plans, and a visit to a family member would have been mentioned. Maybe to avoid exactly that misunderstanding.

OhBling · 06/12/2024 10:54

I actually think it was a bit rude not to mention that you had made plans to visit your aunt while you were there. I have family and friends all over the world who I visit, and who visit me. It is completely normal and standard to pre-plan things and to state in advance things like, "right, I really will need an afternoon to pop up to see Great Aunty Jean, and whatever happens, I want to head into that town we went to last time to get some shopping done." And then there's a bit of back and forth to agree the best days/times to do these things.

It sounds to me like you both made assumptions about what you would be doing the entire time you were there. When you went to visit your aunt, had she made specific plans for that day that now had to be changed/cancelled.

She did over react and handle your relatively minor rudeness very badly though.

Original poster

Mearabade · 06/12/2024 10:56

vivainsomnia · 06/12/2024 10:52

I don't think it was wrong to visit your aunt, just that it would have been kind to let her know what was your intention before.

Did you tell her it would only be one hour?
Did you suggest you go together?
Did she maybe had planned something that afternoon?

I find the whole thing odd. I was visiting someone, we'd b talking about plans, and a visit to a family member would have been mentioned. Maybe to avoid exactly that misunderstanding.

Yes i did tell her I was going and I asked her if she wanted to come with me to see the aunt. The aunt is also her aunt (some one asked that)

She said no she didn't want to go. I think maybe she wanted to do something for her child in the house , but im not totally sure what, as she didn't say..

I told her that I would go up, and i wouldn't be long and I'd come back then.

She was just seething with anger when I left her house . Her whole attitude was "how dare you go somewhere else"

Even at that stage, I was regretting not getting a hotel. It was a very uncomfortable stay with her.

I don't think I'll stay with any family members if I visit anyone in future. I'll book a hotel near them.

OP posts:

Original poster

Mearabade · 06/12/2024 11:00

OhBling · 06/12/2024 10:54

I actually think it was a bit rude not to mention that you had made plans to visit your aunt while you were there. I have family and friends all over the world who I visit, and who visit me. It is completely normal and standard to pre-plan things and to state in advance things like, "right, I really will need an afternoon to pop up to see Great Aunty Jean, and whatever happens, I want to head into that town we went to last time to get some shopping done." And then there's a bit of back and forth to agree the best days/times to do these things.

It sounds to me like you both made assumptions about what you would be doing the entire time you were there. When you went to visit your aunt, had she made specific plans for that day that now had to be changed/cancelled.

She did over react and handle your relatively minor rudeness very badly though.

I hadn't made concrete plans to visit my aunt.

When I was there I decided to go up and see her. I still think this is totally fine.

As i said, if I knew my cousin wasn't going to let me out of the house, I never would have stayed with her. I would have stayed in a hotel.

Just because you are hosting someone in your house, doesn't mean that your guest cannot leave your house , or do anything independent for themselves while they are there.

OP posts:

OhBling · 06/12/2024 11:01

Mearabade · 06/12/2024 11:00

I hadn't made concrete plans to visit my aunt.

When I was there I decided to go up and see her. I still think this is totally fine.

As i said, if I knew my cousin wasn't going to let me out of the house, I never would have stayed with her. I would have stayed in a hotel.

Just because you are hosting someone in your house, doesn't mean that your guest cannot leave your house , or do anything independent for themselves while they are there.

Edited

Show quote history

Sure, that's your right. Me and a few other people are telling you that actually, this could be considered rude. If you don't agree, fine. But you asked why your cousin was upset and I'm suggesting that perhaps its because she would have appreciated a heads up that you were going to go somewhere else.

Did you even discuss it with her or just announce it? Because quite honestly, it does rather sound like you were treating her house as a hotel. Did you bring gifts/food, help out etc?

Original poster

Mearabade · 06/12/2024 11:02

XWKD · 06/12/2024 03:52

The "looks what you made me do" is classic domestic abuse.

She's a lunatic.

I have an aunt that used to get jealous about me visiting other people when I stayed with her as a child.

Jealousy.

Yes that's really what I felt from her.

That she was jealous that I went to see someone else.

OP posts:

Original poster

Mearabade · 06/12/2024 11:04

OhBling · 06/12/2024 11:01

Sure, that's your right. Me and a few other people are telling you that actually, this could be considered rude. If you don't agree, fine. But you asked why your cousin was upset and I'm suggesting that perhaps its because she would have appreciated a heads up that you were going to go somewhere else.

Did you even discuss it with her or just announce it? Because quite honestly, it does rather sound like you were treating her house as a hotel. Did you bring gifts/food, help out etc?

Show quote history

But it's fine for the cousin to stay with another cousin for a weekend, and go and visit everyone round the place?

I asked this second cousin how the weekend was. And she said (first cousin) pretty much did her own thing. She just went out for one of the days by herself. And told me just before she went.

I mean it's fine!

So I don't think it was my behaviour. I think this first cousin is controlling.

OP posts:

Original poster

Mearabade · 06/12/2024 11:08

OhBling · 06/12/2024 11:01

Sure, that's your right. Me and a few other people are telling you that actually, this could be considered rude. If you don't agree, fine. But you asked why your cousin was upset and I'm suggesting that perhaps its because she would have appreciated a heads up that you were going to go somewhere else.

Did you even discuss it with her or just announce it? Because quite honestly, it does rather sound like you were treating her house as a hotel. Did you bring gifts/food, help out etc?

Show quote history

I brought gifts and food.

I never understand people who say "you used the place like a hotel".

I would have preferred to stay in a hotel. I would have easily paid to stay 50 pounds to a night in a travelodge. Hotels aren't expensive at all in her town.

And I would have had a much better stay in the hotel. I regret staying with her and I won't again.

No one has ever in my life shouted at me to get out of their house before, and I won't take that behaviour from her again.

I stayed with her because she asked me, and it was a horrible experience from start to end in her place.

If I was going to use someone for a place to stay (never have done) I would at least have picked a kind welcoming person!

OP posts:

OhBling · 06/12/2024 11:14

Look OP. Your cousin's reaction was absolutely OTT. Most of us have agreed with that. I'd be wondering if there's more going on with her as she really does seem to have taken it very badly.

You don't have to think your behaviour was rude. But you created a thread to ask why your cousin might have been upset and this is what I think it probably is. Whether or not that's fair, or right, is irrelevant.

DH was upset with me because I was upset with MIL the other day. I don't think he had a right to be upset with me, but that doesn't change the fact that he was. [shrug]

Original poster

Mearabade · 06/12/2024 11:15

It just hurt me because she's family. My mum always said to me "no one can hurt you like family".

She meant like if a stranger shouts at you, you'd get over it after a while. But if a family member is cruel to you, it really hurts you.

I was just uspet because I'd gone all that way over to see her, and she was so nasty to me.

I think she was going through other stuff at the time.

Her younger sister did text me afterwards as she heard what happened from the older sister.

I said I was really upset at being told to get out of the house. That it was very extreme.

The younger sister wrote back to me this:

"Anna can be very extreme, believe me I know, I'm her sister!

but she has a good heart under it".

I'll give it a while to calm down anyway. I'll be staying in hotels from now on though

OP posts:

ThianWinter · 06/12/2024 11:17

Why didn't she go with you to visit the aunt? Have they fallen out? Maybe she was angry because she thought you sided with the aunt.
How long ago did all of this happen and why is still bothering you now?

toucheee · 06/12/2024 11:31

OhBling · 06/12/2024 11:14

Look OP. Your cousin's reaction was absolutely OTT. Most of us have agreed with that. I'd be wondering if there's more going on with her as she really does seem to have taken it very badly.

You don't have to think your behaviour was rude. But you created a thread to ask why your cousin might have been upset and this is what I think it probably is. Whether or not that's fair, or right, is irrelevant.

DH was upset with me because I was upset with MIL the other day. I don't think he had a right to be upset with me, but that doesn't change the fact that he was. [shrug]

Whether or not that's fair, or right, is irrelevant.

Of course it's relevant.

It sounds like you have some issues from your DH / MIL that you're transferring on to OP.