Page 2 | My Host told me not to go somewhere.

Mearabade · 2024-12-06T00:54:45+00:00

Me and my cousin had a big argument over this. I still think she was being totally unreasonable, but she made me feel like I was being unreasonable. She asked me to stay with her for a weekend earlier this year. She lives in a different country to me, so it's a long journey over to see her. I went over. My aunty (not her mother) lives near her, so i said that I would pop up to see my aunty while I was there. My cousin got really angry and told me that she didn't want me to go to see my aunt, that i was there to see her. My cousin seemed to think that because I was staying with her, that she could control my every move. I said I was going up to my aunt. I came back to my cousins house. My cousin was really angry and shouted at me to get out of her house. My cousin seemed to be angry that I "went against her". I was shocked at her anger and I left. I just thought that she was so over the top. I left her house day early. We sent each other one long angry message each, and then haven't spoken to each other since. As I'm just shocked by her behaviour. She was so extreme. What I gathered from her message is that she seemed to think I was using her for a place to stay. Not true. And after experiencing her anger I wish I'd stayed in a hotel. What I wrote back to her is "While it was nice of you to let me stay with you, I'm an adult and you can't tell me or any other adult not to go anywhere!". What do you all think.

Garlicwest · 06/12/2024 01:44

She said look at what you made me do. That's insane. The kindest way to characterise it is 'childish' but the truth is, this is what abusers say (and some of them believe). It's a good thing you're not hugely close with this cousin, OP, I'd give her the widest possible berth from here on.

Even if she comes back and gives you the apology you deserve, I'd say treat her with caution.

SomethingUniqueThisTime · 06/12/2024 02:18

Is there a backstory about problems between the aunty and the cousin? Have they fallen out, it’s the only rational reason why your cousin would behave in this very odd manner?

hazelnutvanillalatte · 06/12/2024 02:22

Is the aunt from the same side of the family? If so couldn't she have come to cousin's house to visit? Either way very weird from the cousin

PyongyangKipperbang · 06/12/2024 02:23

Something not right there.

The fact that she assumed that the whole weekend would be you spending it with her, the fact that when you "defied" her (her interpretation, not mine) she went off on one and then blamed you for "making" her shout at you in front of her child...... she has issues. She clearly thinks that if someone does something she doesnt like or want, she is entriely justified in shouting at them and that is far from normal. Yes it is exactly what abusers do.

Either there is a back story with the Aunt, she has serious MH issues or is an out and out narcissist abuser.

Have you contacted your aunt and told her what happened and asked her opinion? Given she is very close geographically, she may have more of an idea of what is going on there.

PyongyangKipperbang · 06/12/2024 02:25

That's the worst I've ever seen her.

That suggests that you have seen her being OTT but not that bad in the past? Or that she has kicked off but not at you?

Ponoka7 · 06/12/2024 02:40

How old is her child? Are we talking about a new Mum here?

ToWhitToWhoo · 06/12/2024 02:50

YANBU; this is outrageous of your cousin. The only explanation (not excuse) that I can think of is: Has your cousin possibly had a falling-out with your aunt? It slightly reminds me of my maternal grandmother who used to have serious quarrels with some of her relatives, and would then try to prevent my grandfather and mother from seeing them. My mother lived as an adult in a different country from her parents, and every time she visited, it would seem that her mother had made up with one relative but quarrelled with another. She once locked my mother in the house to prevent her from getting out to visit the relative who was currently out of favour! However, she never pulled this 'you made me shout!' type of stunt; that's really extreme.

If your cousin has not had a quarrel with your aunt, but is just ultra-offended at your seeing anyone but her, that is even more outrageous.

PyongyangKipperbang · 06/12/2024 03:37

ToWhitToWhoo · 06/12/2024 02:50

YANBU; this is outrageous of your cousin. The only explanation (not excuse) that I can think of is: Has your cousin possibly had a falling-out with your aunt? It slightly reminds me of my maternal grandmother who used to have serious quarrels with some of her relatives, and would then try to prevent my grandfather and mother from seeing them. My mother lived as an adult in a different country from her parents, and every time she visited, it would seem that her mother had made up with one relative but quarrelled with another. She once locked my mother in the house to prevent her from getting out to visit the relative who was currently out of favour! However, she never pulled this 'you made me shout!' type of stunt; that's really extreme.

If your cousin has not had a quarrel with your aunt, but is just ultra-offended at your seeing anyone but her, that is even more outrageous.

I am sorry to derail slightly but I am shocked that you think that "you made me shout" is worse than locking someone in a building! Your mother was literally held captive, thats a "doing time" level of crime!

XWKD · 06/12/2024 03:52

The "looks what you made me do" is classic domestic abuse.

She's a lunatic.

I have an aunt that used to get jealous about me visiting other people when I stayed with her as a child.

arcticpandas · 06/12/2024 04:49

I am concerned about her child because she's clearly unhinged / suffering from mental illness. Can you signal her behaviour to another relative close by who can check in on her?

TheYeaSayer · 06/12/2024 04:49

The "looks what you made me do" is classic domestic abuse.

I was going to say the same. “You made me do (bad thing) to you!” Very common part of abuse. I remember DDs awful ex pulling this on her.

Leave it be. Cut this family member loose if she doesn’t apologise. Her poor child.

2Sensitive · 06/12/2024 04:55

She's had a fall out with that aunt and wanted you to side with her!

Gemütlich81 · 06/12/2024 05:38

How often does your Aunt and your cousin see each other? Do they get along?

cariadlet · 06/12/2024 05:51

I can see her point of view but that doesn't excuse her behaviour. If someone was coming to see me for a weekend, I'd expect them to want to spend the weekend with me.

I know the visit was only an hour but it does seem rude to visit someone and then use them for a base to make other visits.

It would have been different if when you 2 were planning the visit, you had said, "Auntie X lives near you. I'll pop and see her when I come over. Why don't you come with me?" Much politer than announcing that you're off to see someone else once you're already at her house.

But that doesn't excuse her extreme overreaction with the anger and shouting.

Zanatdy · 06/12/2024 06:09

Of course she is unreasonable. If you’d have been staying with your Aunt and didn’t pop to see her for an hour she would probably have said you were selfish not calling in to see her. Unbelievable that she said you made her shout at her in front of your child.

CyranoDeBergerQuack · 06/12/2024 06:41

If I had invited a guest, whom I hadn't seen in year, for a limited-time visit, I wouldn't expect them to piss off somewhere else unless by prior arrangement.
The polite thing to do would be to tack your extra visit to the end of your stay at the place you are a guest in, i.e. when your stay at your cousin's had concluded.

toucheee · 06/12/2024 06:42

cariadlet · 06/12/2024 05:51

I can see her point of view but that doesn't excuse her behaviour. If someone was coming to see me for a weekend, I'd expect them to want to spend the weekend with me.

I know the visit was only an hour but it does seem rude to visit someone and then use them for a base to make other visits.

It would have been different if when you 2 were planning the visit, you had said, "Auntie X lives near you. I'll pop and see her when I come over. Why don't you come with me?" Much politer than announcing that you're off to see someone else once you're already at her house.

But that doesn't excuse her extreme overreaction with the anger and shouting.

If someone was coming to see me for a weekend, I'd expect them to want to spend the weekend with me.

Then you should be upfront and tell them they’re not allowed to see anyone else. So they can choose not to come.

toucheee · 06/12/2024 06:44

CyranoDeBergerQuack · 06/12/2024 06:41

If I had invited a guest, whom I hadn't seen in year, for a limited-time visit, I wouldn't expect them to piss off somewhere else unless by prior arrangement.
The polite thing to do would be to tack your extra visit to the end of your stay at the place you are a guest in, i.e. when your stay at your cousin's had concluded.

So a guest isn’t allowed to go out for an hour?

I’s hate to visit some of these stifling households.

CyranoDeBergerQuack · 06/12/2024 06:45

arcticpandas · 06/12/2024 04:49

I am concerned about her child because she's clearly unhinged / suffering from mental illness. Can you signal her behaviour to another relative close by who can check in on her?

Wow, psychiatric diagnosis via a couple of 2nd hand behaviour reports from a not impartial stranger on a forum.
That's some amazing skill that should be exploited immediately. It will cut waiting lists and save the NHS money
Call Barnum!

NotARealWookiie · 06/12/2024 06:46

I think it would have been rude not to visit the aunt!

toucheee · 06/12/2024 06:48

arcticpandas · 06/12/2024 04:49

I am concerned about her child because she's clearly unhinged / suffering from mental illness. Can you signal her behaviour to another relative close by who can check in on her?

I agree. Shouting at OP for something so insignificant in front of her child and then blaming you is unhinged. I would be worried about the child too.

Jumell · 06/12/2024 06:50

YANBU your cousin sounds like a stern dissapproving Victorian parent

I hate people like this

BreezyFinch · 06/12/2024 06:53

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This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

NobleWashedLinen · 06/12/2024 06:57

Is the aunt on question also your cousin's aunt, or is it a different brancg of the family altogether? What's the relationship between them?

Had you mentioned the planto disappear for a couple of hours in advance or did you announce it on the day?

I'm just trying to imagine a scenario where the cousin's behaviour made any sense. If she feels isolated from the wider family and is estranged from those family members who live closest to her, then a friendly visiting family member spending time with those nearby but estranged family members might feel threatening.

It also depends on how long you were staying as to how reasonable an independent activity is, as well as the exact timing of the activity. If you are literally just there for a weekend, Friday night to Sunday after lunch say, and you make other independent arrangements for Saturday Evening from 7-9 which would be prime time for the heart of your visit , then that would be really rude to your host in my opinion.

So there's not enough information in your OP to judge who was being unreasonable.

Seymour5 · 06/12/2024 07:00

CyranoDeBergerQuack · 06/12/2024 06:41

If I had invited a guest, whom I hadn't seen in year, for a limited-time visit, I wouldn't expect them to piss off somewhere else unless by prior arrangement.
The polite thing to do would be to tack your extra visit to the end of your stay at the place you are a guest in, i.e. when your stay at your cousin's had concluded.

It’s family. All of DH’s siblings live hundreds of miles away at the other end of the UK. We rarely see them. When we visit, we generally stay with his DB, but we always try to catch up with the others. I’d have thought that was how most families behave if they get on well.