Do you teach your child to hit back?

[SweetBobby]

If yes, why?
If no, why?

I do and I feel pretty strongly about it. Being able to stand up for yourself in life is absolutely vital.

YABU- No I don't
YANBU- Yes I do

No, I'm not a stuck up idiot. I have lots of experience of people that hit back. One has life altering injuries, another is a drug addict after hitting back and being crowned 'hard' to the in gang. They then carried on with them through school. If your DC is in a head lock, they are not capable in that moment of hitting back. It worked for your DC, they are lucky. And it is awful that they were put in that situation. But why was your response 'sorry kid, I can't help you, fight back'. Why did you put them in that situation for 4 years? Why not take proactive steps to protect your child? They could just have easily have a criminal record or been seriously harmed. I have a sister that my mother claims was 'relentlessly bullied' at school. My sister is a dangerous person with a now confirmed personality disorder. She was a nasty bastard at school but of course my DM doesn't believe that. She was 'picked on' by the school, and all of her employers since.

Try reading my other posts on this thread. I did everything. We live in Scotland. I did everything. There is no help. There is nothing we can do.

How dare you blame me. @MNHQ need to get you and your comments off this thread. You’re actually blaming my son and me, saying he must have a personality disorder and is bringing it on himself? You’re disgusting. A victim blaming bully. That’s all you are. You’ve no idea what it is like for kids in school in Scotland. We don’t have expulsion as an option, they won’t even move the kids to a different class. The police have no interest. Education Resources at the council won’t even hear your complaint unless the head teacher from the school agrees that a complaint is warranted. They don’t take action. They do nothing.

You have no idea. Living in your little stuck up bubble where anyone being beaten up must be causing it themselves and self defence means their parents are pushing them to be “well are.”

Utter idiocy.

You do sound like an idiot to be fair

It is truly awful and shocking that Scotland is in such a mess. But the answer isn't to raise every DC to be violent and continue the cycle. Push for change in schools and the police.

Likewise.

Yes, absolutely!
Maybe my daughter, who was bullied at secondary school, wouldn't be the fucked up mess that she is now if she'd fought back when it first started.....

You’ve come on here and decided that my son is the actual bully, that he must have a personality disorder, that I’m deluded for believing he is the victim and that I’m trying to get him known as “well ard.”
Because you head that he has been bulled by one kid for 4 years.

You know what you sound like? The parent of the bully.

Teaching my son self defence, teaching him to get out of this boys arms and away from him rather than curling into a ball and taking the beating does not make me a shitty parenting raising a “well ard” kid. Teaching him when it’s appropriate to push back to get the space and room he need to manoeuvre himself away does not make him a bully with a personality disorder and me a parenting who misunderstands what is happening and blames another kid, just because you’ve decided that my son must be the real problem.

Honestly, I’ve come across some really nasty people on this forum with really ugly views and opinions: I don’t think I’ve ever come across anything or anyone as offensive, as disgusting, as victim blaming or as unaware as you.

To be clear, I am not blaming you. But lots of parents see one side and their first line is 'violence' 'my kid is being picked on' get to the bottom of it. That's my point. My experience is that of living in England, which will be the experience of lots of parents on this thread. If Scotland is truly such an awful place to live, push for change, don't accept it and become part of the problem. I'm sure lots of parents in the community feel the same way that you do.

Trust me, we are fighting. But have you seen the Scottish government and their actions at all? Women’s rights, children’s rights… seen any of it? They don’t cares.

There is a current promise to end exclusions entirely by 2024/25. There is a policy of zero exclusions, no matter what, for kids in care/looked after/with additional needs. This is new policy being enacted over the last few years. Getting change will take over a decade before they see the results and even consider changing it.
The police won’t act for anything in school. Involving your MP and the press doesn’t change it. My child was threatened with scalpel in a biology lesson. The school and the police did nothing, my MP did nothing, the press reported it in a tiny paragraph about the effect of no exclusions but no one did anything.

So I won’t leave my son like that and just “hope for change.” He has been taught how to get out of those holds, how to get a grip on the other child to restrain him, how to put him in the ground if necessary so my son can get away. Doing it was the only thing that has now stopped this child. Because bullies are often cowards and don’t want to be fought back against. We have now had a few months of peace, for the first time in years.

In England schools have lots of options to be proactive, as do the police and SS. So in England your first line should absolutely not be violence.

In secondary school a boy had been hittimg my brother/ bothering him everyday on the way home. Went on for about a month, nobody did anything cause it wasnt in school.

So my brother turned round one day and gave him a good old fashioned punch.
Stopped him then and he also stopped bothering my cousin.

I think in some situations hitting back helps. With young kids certainly as they are around the same size. Secondary school a different matter especially for girls.

I was always told to tell the teacher etc. Nothing ever happened so i was basically bullied for years and seen as a tattle. So by the time i was in secondary school i was just a target. Didnt know how to stick up for myself.

If a child is continually hitting on a daily basis i think i will tell my child to tell the teacher in the first couple of instances and stay away from the child. If it keeps happening my child will have every right to hit back to make it stop.

Our first line was not violence. 4 years before I told him to fight back instead of rolling in a ball and shouting for help.
And my son is autistic. He doesn’t break rules. He wouldn’t fight back until explicitly given permission.

He is an easy target. Not anymore. And it’s stopped.

I appreciate that. My comment wasn't directed at you, but of my experiences in England. Parents will read this and think in England they are powerless and should tell their DC to fight back. I'm glad it is resolved for your DS.

@Marblesbackagain I disagree, it's the child who threw the first punch/kick or whatever, who is the one likely to end up as a wife /husband beater. The child who is brought up to defend themself is likely to grow up into the kind of person who won't put up with abuse or crap from anyone, therefore less likely to end up in a relationship with a bully.

My girls are told that if anyone hits them, shout very loudly 'stop hitting me', to attract an adults attention, if hit again, to push the person away hard with both hands (but not hit) and run.
However they know that I would have their back if they did have to hit. DD1 did once hit a child who had been repeatedly hitting her. Luckily she had a very sensible teacher who called me and said 'your child has just hit another child, this is completely out of character for her so I think something is wrong, she won't tell me so please can you speak with her and let me know what is bothering her'. The teacher looked for the root cause, addressed it and we never had another issue with this child.

I have the attitude of do not be the one to start it, but you may be the one to finish it. If everyone lived by that, no one would be starting it.

If ignoring, walking away, shouting "stop" or telling teachers haven't worked, sometimes retaliating is the only option that helps.

I have slightly built sons. They've been doing karate for years. Fortunately they've never needed to fight back.

I did have to fight back. Once at school. Once as an adult.

At school, a pair of younger girls made the mistake of thinking I was an easy target. Over a few weeks they were not deterred when I blanked them or retorted back, and one day they decided to ramp it up a gear while I was alone at the bus stop. They rather subtly leaned on my school bag hoping to push me down to the ground. I instead released the shoulder strap so the back dropped, the main one fell over, and bonus, the metal buckle swung up and whacked her in the face.
Fortunately the bus turned up in the nick of time before they could respond with anything nastier than "what did you do that for?" which was answered with "you deserved it" and they decided never to go near me again. It didn't stop them making other peoples' lives a misery though.

The second fight back stopped sexual assault escalating into rape when I kicked him in the face. Hard. I hope his neck hurt from the force.
#bekind can fuck right off there.

I have not made a habit of belting or kicking people since but have zero regrets about defending my own safety.
Where diplomacy fails, I don't want my children to be afraid to defend themselves, and so far they've made it to secondary school making sensible, plesant friends and neither being bullies nor bullied. So far whenever they have had issues they have been dealt with by reporting to staff, and that tends to be their first port of call.

No, I will not be teaching that violence is okay to my children. Violence does breed more violence, as others are saying. Those of you who are condoning it, shame on you. It’s not a straight case of hit back and that solves the problem. Sometimes it might deter a child from hitting again, but it could also just as easily escalate. It’s not different to a bar brawl when the attitude of violence is ok is condoned. School is a learning environment, not prison!

Adults do what they learn to do as children. If they are taught as children that violence is the way to resolve conflicts, that is what they will do in adult life.

Yep, I do, I've told my DD if someone hits her and there's no teacher to tel then hit them back 'hard and once' then walk away.

Yes I do. But they are never to throw the first hit. They have to tell a teacher asap as a first point of call.

But a teacher won't always be there. And when they are older there are no teachers.

Are we not teaching our kids to protect themselves as they get older too?

But, assuming you would never do this in the workplace, why would it be ok to do it at school?

@YellowSwanFrom I don't understand? I've never hit anyone. But if someone was to punch me I would 100% retaliate.

If it was at work, who are you going to tell? You have to protect yourself in the first instance and then call the police.

The ops focus wasn't on school, I believe self defence in general. Others are getting up about it being at school

From my experience most bullies get away with it in school. Stick up for yoursf and they will leave you alone.

This makes me think:

For those of you who tell your children they should hit back, does the same apply when it's a sibling? How does that pan out?

Yes I do. Not for a one off push/hit but if it keeps going and doesn’t stop then yes. I’ve got 2 girls and they also wrestle and box with their dad at home.

@lanthanum no, it's all about context. Kids aren't stupid. You explain why you can do it in once instance and not an other. It's not an all or nothing situation.

I worry for the future generations.

Do people not talk to their kids about what is acceptable behaviour from certain people and what isn't and how to deal with it?

Kids can understand the difference between fighting with a sibling and a bully punching you etc.

Give the kids a bit of credit.

It's part of a safety chat we have once or twice a year. We also talk about stranger Danger, what to do if there's a fire, someones hurt, non responsive. For me discussing protecting yourself sits up with these topical.