Do you teach your child to hit back?

[SweetBobby]

If yes, why?
If no, why?

I do and I feel pretty strongly about it. Being able to stand up for yourself in life is absolutely vital.

YABU- No I don't
YANBU- Yes I do

No, I didn't mention witty remarks. But 9/10 when the bullied kid throws the first ounch of his life, at the bully that fights on a daily basis, he gets battered. But you don't hear about that so much as ot doesn't fit the parents mantality of 'my DC is well ard'. Also as PPs said, kids are very self centered. So something they take as an attack is often an accident and the parents feeling 'proud' are the bullies parents. Because they took their DCs word for gospel. Hitting is oftrn not self defence, if your arms are free you are free to walk away. It is retaliation.

I love this.
I also can't stand the "neurodiverse" argument. Both my primary school aged children are autistic and both have adhd. As do I. One goes to a special school. I would not be upset if they were physically retaliated against for their own violence. They have to exist in society! They ARE capable of learning to moderate their behaviour, even if it takes longer than NT children.

And as evidenced here, the police will do bugger all, the school might do restorative justice... 'so Fred, can you confirm to Johnny that his kicking the shit out of you and damaging and stealing your stuff upsets and hurts you?'
There Johnny.. your violence and bullying is successful!! Moving on!

I have told my son to never start it but if someone else starts it he can finish it

He has been doing judo since he was 6 (now 12) and is a national medalist

Never yet had cause to do urban judo but I am relatively confident he could look after himself should the need arise.

If they are actually in danger or being repeatedly attacked yes, but not otherwise.

1. Violence leads to more violence - no-one actually becomes better off because they are being attacked and attacking someone. The only exception to this is if the other person is stalking them and attacking repeatedly.
2. Apart from if they are needing to end a sustained, violent assault, it is most unlikely that school, college, clubs, are even the law are going to be ok with them inflicting serious damage to someone who's mildly hurt them, even if that person started it.
3. Your child needs to learn other good conflict resolution tools, because getting into extended fisty-cuffs with someone every time they are threatened is going to land them being excluded and friendless.
4. If you are going to treat your child to continue a cycle of violence, please sign them up to some form of marshal arts asap, so they at least know how to "hit back" without causing themself or their opponent too much damage. You haven't said their age, but one day, possibly soon, they will respond to someone, possibly a slightly smaller someone, with too much force (by accident) and end up hurting them seriously. This could lead to being asked to leave clubs, excluded from school, juvenile detention. Yes, if they are two and leave a red mark on someone they hit, cause that person hits them first, they will most likely get away with it. At 13, when someone barely bruised them and they break a bone, it will be juvenile detention.

@stichguru are even the law are going to be ok with them inflicting serious damage to someone who's mildly hurt them, even if that person started it.
Why is there this rhetoric that the bully is not really being violent, that they're only 'mildly hurting' the victim, but when the defends themselves they're suddenly attacking/inflicting serious damage?
It's not just you who's said this!

So what? You just don’t report a crime to the police because the police somewhere in the country didn’t do anything about it on an occasion documented on Mumsnet?
Would you report someone mugging you or breaking into your house?
What about the long term social ramifications? That violent child may grow into a violent adult. Do you not have a duty to make agencies aware of crimes regardless?

Didn't say don't report it, just that the police won't do anything. It's not a MN thing, it's a Scottish 'justice' thing. Incidents that happen on school property.. its the school to manage! And remember in Scotland if you're under 25 you're not really responsible for your actions.. even rape.

Yes absolutely. If you'd suffered bullying as a child you'd understand. It also increases self confidence and you are more likely to stand up for yourself as an adult and less likely to end up a hand wringing mess asking for advice on Mumsnet

I've never felt the need as neither child has ever been hit. If they were hit, I'd rather the perpetrator was dealt with severely by the school. If my child started hitting back, it would be classed as a fight, and my child would be punished. I was hit on three occasions growing up, by nasty aggressive girls. I never hit back, and I really don't see how hitting back would have helped at all. It would simply have escalated the situation.

I agree with this.

I haven't taught mine this, they do it naturally.
One of my sons was being constantly bothered by another boy which I told him to ignore. The verbals got worse, my son stopped ignoring and got very offensive. The boy headbutted him, my son punched him once, knocked him over.
They both got in trouble BUT it did end it. They avoided each other from then on. Both ND.

Yes i did he had a punch bag at 12.
Has a poster says above we had 3 strike rule in primary.
Then it went to fuck about find out in secondary school.
Hes in his 20s now.
I was from a different breed my mother always said if they come at you like bull dogs go right back at them like a pitbull.

I didn't used to until DS got badly beaten up on the way home from school and did not fight back, after that he joined the gym and dh has taught him some self defence. Now we teach them not to start a fight and to get away if they can but to absolutely defend themselves if required and I fully stand by that.

Yep. If DS is pushed, I tell him to push back harder. If he's hit, to hit back harder. Don't let bullies get away with anything.

I strongly suggest you read up on or attend a class.

I have outlined the code of practice most trainers use.

Well you are incorrect and miss using the phrase.

That's not what I said.

• Defence, according to the Oxford Dictionary is "the action of defending from or resisting attack".
• Defending, according to the Oxford Dictionary, is "resisting an attack made on someone or something; protecting from harm or danger."

Straight forwardly, violence is legal in self defence. Self defence is the act of resisting an attack that could course you harm or put you in danger.

It's not about the "the bully is not really being violent, that they're only 'mildly hurting' the victim". They might be being very violent and seriously hurting the victim, in which case violent retaliation might be seen to be legal and acceptable.

What you don't want though is to be in a situation where the bully slapped your child and didn't leave a mark, and your kid has broken the bully's arm, or worse, back. Because if your child uses by far the most force and can't prove they couldn't get rid of the bully without it, they are likely to be in serious trouble.

It does increase your chances as you were taught at a formative age violence is acceptable.

You sound like an idiot who has no idea what they’re talking about.

Not on person in my life would describe me, my child or any member of my family as “well ard.”
The bully however, is an absolute thug.

4 years of beating my kid up and my kid did nothing. Did not retaliate, used his words, sought help. Then a couple months ago, he fought back. Guess what? Bully had stayed clear of him since. Not a squeak. First time in literally 4 years where my son has gone a month not being attacked by this child. After fighting back.

Frankly, you are a stuck up idiot with no idea what you are talking about. How dare you call a bulled child who finally hits back any kind of insult, how dare you say that as the parent I have a narrative of my child being well hard. What is wrong with you? You inexperienced fool.

And free to walk away? Free to walk away!?! When you’re in a head lock! When you’re being held on the ground being pummelled? When you were standing eating your lunch and got a kick to the spine from behind so your back and neck were injured and you lay on the ground in pain as the bully sat on you and choked you? My son was free to walk away, was he?

Another who has absolutely no idea what self defence is. Women learn self defence. We don’t become spouse beaters. There is a difference between violence and controlled self defence.

Interesting, I've never had to have this conversation yet, thankfully, but I think it's quite difficult and would depend entirely on the situation.

My DD is quite a gentle girl - didn't really hit or pinch as toddler and she's really not built for scrapping. My concern would be for her safety in a physical situation. If I thought she could give a good whack if someone was bullying her, I'd tell her to hit back, but I think she'd come off worse.

So sorry you had to put up with that for so long, good on your DS for finding the courage. Some people clearly live in some sort of Dreamland. I'm surprised nobody has suggested they ask the bully nicely to stop pummeling them!

You’ve never been in a headlock then? Or held by one arm or by your torso or legs? Quite often an arm or leg or elbow is free to hit with to extricate yourself from a hold but you certainly can’t “walk away” if your being held down and hit/groped.

Since I teach it a couple of nights a week I disagree.

And I like all my colleagues start with. Escape. Anyone teaching who doesn't start there is setting a lot of people for serious injuries.

Violence of all kinds is violence. The context of situations changes the intent not the activity.

And research shows early exposure to violence regardless of context correlation with those serving time for assault.