School issue - violent kid

[PeloMom]

My kid started reception in a new school this year. Everything was going well until recently.

He comes every day complaining from a kid in the class getting physical (I don’t know if it’s just with my kid or other kids too although I have overheard the teacher giving parts of a similar speech to other parents as to me in regards to the situation).

I have been proactively approached by the teacher and principal explaining that the situation is being dealt with by involving the school councillors, parents etc.

What is a reasonable timeline for me to expect a resolution?

On top of this It’s an independent school so I’m not prepared to be paying a good amount of money for my kid to be assaulted daily (not that that’s acceptable in public schools to be clear). I have to confirm whether we will be continuing next year at the school at some point. Is it unreasonable for me to expect a solution in the next 2-3 months (holiday time included)? I appreciate it can be a process just trying to gauge if anyone has dealt with this how long it took for them to see a change. What assurances would you seek in the meantime from the school that your child is safe?
YABU- solution will take more than 2-3 months; start looking for a new school
YANBU- thing should resolve quickly

I would look to move schools tbh

2-3 months sounds like a long time for them to protect your child.

Given that it's a private school I would expect ot to be under control VERY swiftly - by the end of term at the absolute latest. With state schools there are lengthy protocols before a school can even threaten exclusion because the state is obliged to educate every child. The private school has no obligation to educate a child who represents a danger to other children.

I would be letting the school know now, today, that if the time between now and the end of term does not demonstrate absolutely that they can protect your child from violence, you will be giving notice. They do not necessarily have to expel the violent child but they could put a 1:1 adult with them to guarantee the safety of other children.

If someone physically hits your child, at any school, it should be exclusion.

Private schools aren't obliged to keep challenging children enrolled. I would imagine the issue will be resolved quickly.

Unless the parents are big donors...

Thank you. I understand I have to have some patience (little kids, etc) so I didn’t want to be unreasonable. What assurances should I seek in the meantime (eg 1:1 supervision? Anything else?)

What does 'getting physical' mean?
Some of the boys in my daughters reception class can play roughly, and there is daily bumps and bruises from them running into each other, this is normal for reception. Or is this child intentionally hitting yours with the clear aim of hurting them, and they have sustained cuts and bruises, which is clearly not acceptable.

This is a great question.

Kids in reception are still tiny humans that don't understand the world and its social norms very well. If he's playing rough like the poster had said then it might be a learnt behaviour which will need time to unpick (kid might not have been to nursery before so doesn't understand kind hands etc). If it's lobbing another child with a toy on purpose then I agree something drastic needs to change. I would give a term with some concrete promises (1:1 supervision (of the aggressive child, counselling etc) and then consider further complaining and asking for the child to be moved.

Uprooting your child after just a few months at reception is a huge change after starting reception which was a huge change. I wouldn't disturb your kid, they've not done anything wrong.

Another witch hunt. I have been the parent of the 'physical' kid. He now had an ASD and ADHD diagnosis, and is also diagnosed with severe anxiety, which is, according to the clin psych, where his physical behaviour came from. I assure you, however worried you are for your child, the parents will likely be a million times more worried about their child 'getting physical' (I presume you mean hitting other children, but you are not clear). Knowing my son was hitting kids was the bleakest time of my life and I think it would have pushed me over the edge if parents started complaining. Thankfully, with a recognition of my son's needs, and excellent support from the school (independent) my son is now thriving, NEVER hits, and is academically one of the best in his class (he's year 1 now). If parents had kicked off and pressured the school to remove him (which, let's be homest, is where this is most likely to lead), I don't think he would have had that chance. I am so grateful to the parents of the children in my son's class for being so supportive, and for the school for not giving up on my son and working with him (and me) to get him the support he needs. Remember, these children are only Reception age.

If someone physically hits your child, at any school, it should be exclusion.
These kids are 4 years old. There would be a LOT of excluded children if you excluded every single Reception child who ever hit anyone. Get a grip.

Your first sentence was that your child had started a new school in Reception. Does that mean that it’s the first school he’s been to, or that the independent school is a new school for him, but the second school in Reception?

It’s good that the staff have approached you and acknowledge the issue. There’s a couple of weeks until the end of term and if they have put things in place, you should see some improvement by then. If nothing is different next term, I’d be insisting on some further action and tell them that you’ll be looking for another school if you don’t feel your child is safe.

i'd expect a noticeable improvement within 48 hours certainly NOT weeks or months. a solid plan in place, when ABC is dysregulated XYZ happens (which might be going to a quiet room to calm down or having 1-1 during recess depending on where the inappropriate behavior is being displayed).
i'd also discuss the contract and being able leave without penalty should further incidents occur.

An independent school will face a lot of parental pressure over this which is presumably why they are being pro-active.

They will already be getting parental complaints.

I would expect a plan and improvement within days if not weeks.

In a similar situation in a state school the head asked for volunteers and there was a rota of TAs working 1:1 with the child every afternoon and their job was to make sure he didn't hurt anyone.

In reception?!

I understand this stance if they are 14-15, but reception kids are 4 and 5. Missing 10 minutes of play time will be the penalty, if that. Many haven't been in a school setting before and might not be used to sharing toys or taking turns yet. One kid snatches a toy from another, that kid lashes out and whacks the first kid and snatches the toy back. Not excusing it, but it happens. Exclusion would be overkill for every instance of hitting in any school ever.

The OP's child is in Reception. While I would very much hope that no school condones hitting, children of this age are still learning self control and no school is going to exclude a child for one incident.

My friend's little one is not settling well in the reception. As a result is scratching, pushing and hitting other children and staff. My friend has had repeated meetings about it and been given parenting advice and resources. Told it's up to the family to work on emotional regulation skills. No additional support at school.

Unfortunately what the school don't know is that there are two completely different approaches to parenting and emotions in general going on at home and my friend has said they (both parents) are at logger heads over it all so aren't moving forward. On hearing this I'd be extremely worried now if I was ever told that parents are aware and it's being dealt with etc ...as the school aren't doing anything themselves and not insisting upon parenting classes etc.

Surely it's a safeguarding issue for the children being hurt?

When a child whacked dd in year 1 I wouldn't have expected it to happen again after I reported it and it didn't. I wouldn't have demanded expulsion but I also certainly wouldn't have been saying it's fine for it to continue as it's only a state school. No child should have to put up with being assaulted at school.

My Ds was bit in reception- it was a. Boy now in 6th form - according to the mum - her Ds didn’t want to play with my Ds and didn’t how to stop my Ds .

i think you need to be clear about with what is going on . Playing tough - very different to your Ds is been kicked and punched .

I would approach the two differently - how are you going to safeguard my Ds if the later , if it is the first teaching your Ds how to play with others , tackle not wanting to play these games .

what is going on with the other children is irrelevant here this is about your child

@Bushmillsbabe i was told it is intentional from the school.

As others have said everything turns on what you mean by getting physical. That could be any of 1. A well meaning child who hasn't learnt good boundaries yet being too rough when playing 2. An child who gets frustrated in social interactions deliberately hitting other children and needing to learn different ways to channel their frustration or 3. A child who is getting overwhelmed by the demands of the classroom (sensory, emotional or pedagogical) having a meltdown, and other people including children getting caught in the crossfire. All of these will be difficult for your DS to witness but they need different approaches from the school and a different timeline to support. So no one here can say what the school should do - they need to respond to exactly what they are dealing with.

I would focus on your DS. Reassure him. Talk to the teacher with him there to clarify what happened, it isn't his fault and the adults are trying to make everyone safe. It is good to learn that sometimes other children have big feelings, hurt people as a result and grown ups have to help them learn better ways to deal with that. That's healthier than learning if you have big feelings people will be angry with you and exclude you. Because whilst he's doing brilliantly now maybe something will rock his world and you want him to know adults are there to help you get your stuff back together when that happens.

My kid is pushed then sat on. Hit with sticks. These are the examples from this week.
the stock hitting was close to the eye

@Grahamhousehushand thank you that’s helpful.

Sorry but you child having ADHD and ASD does not give your child any right whatsoever to hit or hurt MY child.

the school should have put a 1 to 1 on him if he was physically assaulting other children.

@Bluevelvetsofa new school for the year. He was in nursery/ daycare before. Last year there was a child with similar behaviour in the daycare however 1:1 at all times was organised very swiftly.

State schools cannot afford to give 1:1 support to every child who hits.

An independent school might but it still won't stop every incident.