School issue - violent kid

[PeloMom]

My kid started reception in a new school this year. Everything was going well until recently.

He comes every day complaining from a kid in the class getting physical (I don’t know if it’s just with my kid or other kids too although I have overheard the teacher giving parts of a similar speech to other parents as to me in regards to the situation).

I have been proactively approached by the teacher and principal explaining that the situation is being dealt with by involving the school councillors, parents etc.

What is a reasonable timeline for me to expect a resolution?

On top of this It’s an independent school so I’m not prepared to be paying a good amount of money for my kid to be assaulted daily (not that that’s acceptable in public schools to be clear). I have to confirm whether we will be continuing next year at the school at some point. Is it unreasonable for me to expect a solution in the next 2-3 months (holiday time included)? I appreciate it can be a process just trying to gauge if anyone has dealt with this how long it took for them to see a change. What assurances would you seek in the meantime from the school that your child is safe?
YABU- solution will take more than 2-3 months; start looking for a new school
YANBU- thing should resolve quickly

Erm, no... that would be insane.

If you don't understand what I mean by 'parents like you', that's your problem.

Oh and I'm a teacher too by the way 👌

Exactly! Imagine blaming parents for any other type of disability. So much unsolicited “helpful” advice about reward charts, consequences and the naughty step. DS was diagnosed with classic autism at 3, so I must have been a quick worker with my child-wrecking parenting skills!

I hope your DC are now getting the support they need 💐

They lose far more money when the parents of the other kids in the class withdraw them because they don’t want their children getting hurt.. Mine are at an independent school which are very clear that children who hurt or bully others will be asked to leave. They’re a business at the end of the day and if a child is physically hurting other kids it’s better for them to remove that child, than for everyone else to go.

Can you quote where I said this? 😅

Call it a witch hunt or whatever you want.

The reality is that it is completely unacceptable for a 4 year old to be going to school and being hit every day, especially with objects.

Best of luck with that. We've gone through the EHCP process and it's tough, but so worth it. And yes to things not changing overnight! It's taken months of nurture and support to get my son where he is but I am so grateful. Wonderful school, amazing teachers, and a lovely parenting body who have supported him (and me - it's been tough!) every step of the way!

Well a good teacher would want to explain their reasoning. But then there's teachers like you...😉

The OP's child is being hit every day is he? So more than 40 times since the start of term - gosh. I didn't actually realise that - my apologies! 👌

Haha that's actually quite funny.

I know, isn't it!

It should stop the vast majority of them if the 1-2-1 is doing their job properly.

It is extremely difficult for teachers - you may well have read other threads in the current situation in many schools, but it is extremely common for a teacher to be caught between a rock and a hard place - delays and lack of funding in support services mean they cannot give SEN children the help they need, and equally the parlous state of school funding means that they also do not have the resources to keep other children safe.

Teachers and support staff often put themselves bodily in harm’s way to protect their classes, while also having deep sympathy for the dysregulated child’s (or children’s) unmet needs. There is nothing more soul-destroying for dedicated teachers than knowing the needs of everyone involved and yet be utterly powerless to meet them.

It’s surprising how much can get past the 1:1 ime, especially with younger children who don’t understand that person x is not a general class helper. DS has zero impulse control and would only need a split second, when her back was turned looking at another child’s work for example, and he’d make a bid for freedom. This is particularly true if the 1:1 is not highly trained in autism (or whatever SEN the child has), which school budgets don’t really allow.

Violent? YABU to describe such a small child’s behaviour in such hyperbolic language. You are NU to want to ensure the school and parents figure out what’s going wrong and manage it.

Oh right, what frequency is acceptable then? Perhaps twice a week?

I can tell you for a sure fact if my child was being repeatedly hit, they'd be hitting back.

Yea it would. 1:1 really is a game changer. Unfortunately it is very hard to get and takes a long time to secure funding for. And lots of evidence too, ironically, which means lots of hitting etc often needs to be evidenced before a 1:1 (for that purpose at least) will be funded. I know some people have said the parent should pay for it themselves, but imagine how huge the salary is for a a full time additional member of staff; most parents would be unable to afford even a fraction of this. The child needs to be educated somewhere, so it's a case of recording evidence and doing the best the school can until additional support is offered by the EHCP process. Now, in some cases the independent school can decide not to wait for support (especially if parents are complaining - I'm so grateful that mine did wait for the EHCP!) and may try to exclude a child. However, that is not as clear-cut as people think it is, and there have been court cases where judges have ruled that independent schools have acted unlawfully by excluding a child due to his/her autism. The school does have to act carefully, even if it is private. Additionally, if excluded, the child will usually end up in a local state school straight after, which is obviously extremely unsettling and stressful due to change, and often larger classes - and the issues get worse and worse (again, until an EHCP can be issued). Some people never get an EHCP. I have a doctorate in education and am a teacher so was well-placed to secure one, but still had to fight like my life depended on it to get my son his EHCP. So you can see, it's not as simple as saying he needs to leave the school. I know it's tough in the other parents and children - and absolutely not fair - but honestly, the system is completely failing SEN children and that's really not fair either. These children have to go somewhere, and nobody wants them (apart from apparently my son at his lovely HMC independent school - we appear to be very lucky in our situation). Having an SEN child is luck of the draw - I never imagined I would be living this life with my child, but I am. Try to imagine what you would do / how you would feel if the shoe was on the other foot.

I didn't say it was acceptable at all. I was merely expressing my surprise thay the OP's child was being hit 'every day' as you claimed - I didn't see that in her posts but may have missed it.

As for telling your child to hit back... your choice as a parent what you tell your child to do. My father told me to do that when I was a kid. We're telling our own children the exact opposite.

Spot on.

Yes I agree with this - a 1:1 who is trained especially for the needs for the child is essential for it to work. Again, lovely in theory (and in practice, difficult to secure!).

This. As a teacher, I feel this all the time.

@SendMeHomeNow

Do you speak from experience of children who have very significant needs and 1:1 support?

Firstly, 1:1 rarely means full time school hours. There are always pockets of the day the child is unattended or as part of a 2:1 arrangement. Staff need lunch times for example.

Secondly, 1:1 LSAs are paid appallingly and therefore not always experienced with working with children with specific SEND needs. Even if they are, it takes time to get to know children, recognise their triggers and be able to act accordingly.

Thirdly, 1:1 staff are human. They don't always recognise and are able to prevent incidents. What do you propose they do when a child is running at a window with a rock? Rugby tackle them?

Finally, there aren't always triggers to be recognised. Children with significant needs are often complex.

I speak from lots of experience. Our 1:1 staff are amazing and do a brilliant job but they are human and cannot stop every incident.

As you say, that's your choice as a parent but I would urge you to consider the long term consequences of your child allowing someone to hit them.

I think most independent schools can afford a 1-2-1 while they wait for funding to be granted. So that’s what I’d be pushing them to do if my child was being hurt.
I agree getting an EHCP is an awful stressful fight and one I never thought I’d have to do either. I’m also really lucky that my child’s state school are amazing and he’s made to feel very welcome and part of the school, after his last school being not so great.

It is usually more effective- and I taught my own child, bullied in Reception, to do this - to shout extremely loudly ‘Stop, X, you’re hurting me’.

In our case, my child was much physically larger than their bully, but a gentle giant. Teaching them to shout, not hit - which would have got them into trouble, rightly - alerted staff to how frequent snd targeted the events were and gave my child a measure of control.

I think you are entitled to ask for an informal chat with the teacher to discuss precisely how this issue is being handled, the timeline for resolution and what is being done to ensure your DC and any classmates are protected. You can also ask at this meeting what rights you have and how you might escalate the issue if you have concerns.

Like others here, I would say that 2-3m to resolve it is too long - yes, it may take that long for the child/family/school to resolve the matter for that specific child (or put behavioural programmes in place and see a result) but it should NOT be impacting the rest of the class/year group at all.

Child should be removed the moment behaviour escalates to ensure all other children are properly safeguarded. This is not being uncaring or lacking compassion for the child concerned, it is expecting the school to meet its legal and ethical obligations to all the other children in the class.

NB. Just to add, ECHPs are not of major significance in private school settings unless the school is a specialist school and is name specifically in an ECHP. Both of my children has SEN needs, but neither had or needed an ECHP in their private schools as it was not a specialist school - the diagnostic reports were sufficient for accommodations to be made. If this child has SEN needs, obtaining an ECHP may be about managing them out of the private schools setting and into an LEA approved one. But they can take years to obtain and sometimes a private school is duty bound to ask a family to remive their child from the setting - eg if they are not set up with TAs with SEN experience nor have the class ratios to permit 1-2-1 TA support in the setting. Children were removed from my DC’s private schools because it could not provide the support needed.