To not want to “bond” with BIL new partner

Mrscantsleeep · 2024-12-04T03:02:38+00:00

This is really getting my back up and I’m tired of having this same argument with DH around BIL and his new piece. He cheated on his long term fiance for this new lady they were having an affair at work both cheating on their partners. They have been on and off for years but recently made it official a few months ago now moved in with him and his kids.She’s really full on which is something I’m not use too and out shopping with MIL every weekend.BIL kids seem to love her.Apparently they are trying for a baby now too! Hubby said oh you need to bond with her she seems alright. But it just doesn’t all seem normal to me I’m dead wary and I can’t put my finger on it! Also seems crazy to me how replaceable his ex partner was of many years and parents in law have just wiped any trace of her. please tell me if I am being unreasonable? With Christmas coming up it’s causing arguments already. I’m not interested in getting to know her.

Switchingitup · 04/12/2024 03:08

I think there’s a middle ground.
It would not hurt you to show an interest and make an effort to get to know her when you see her at wider family events… but there is no need to spend weekends with her or meet up outside of family gatherings.

Quitelikeit · 04/12/2024 03:08

I don’t think you are being unreasonable

Sadly you cannot really control how the others have reacted to her

maybe do the bare minimum when it comes to her

Dimpliy · 04/12/2024 03:16

Your time is your own, your DH should not be telling you to bond with her.

Be polite at gatherings but don’t feel you have to invite them around go out with her.

BIL is probably pushing your DH to push you.

Original poster

Mrscantsleeep · 04/12/2024 03:26

I’m always polite and say hi and bye I just find the situation really odd but it isn’t my place to judge. DH is saying I’m going to ruin Christmas but I don’t want to be forced.

OP posts:

Guest100 · 04/12/2024 03:34

I would try and be polite, but you don’t have to bond with her. If she sticks around for a year maybe get to know her then.

It’s a horrible position to be put in. I was in a similar situation the a friendship group. The wives were all told to play nice with what was essentially a replacement for one of our friends. We were all nasty bitches. I don’t regret it at all.

BlastedPimples · 04/12/2024 04:49

Just be neutral. Polite. Vaguely interested.

You don't have to be enthusiastic. You won't spoil Christmas. Ludicrous overreaction from your h.

THisbackwithavengeance · 04/12/2024 05:11

Ultimately your BIL is entitled to be with whoever he wants to be and it's not your place to cast moral judgement.

I wonder if you've gone on the defensive because you feel deep down that the women married in the family are interchangeable and this is an indication of how you might be treated should your DH leave you.

Your DH and MIL are being nice to her because ultimately they are Team BIL as he is their blood relative,

I thought your comments calling her a "piece" were off. You've said you've been polite but in the end you being icily and pointedly polite whilst looking disapproving and acting standoffish is just going to make you look the opposite particularly if everyone else is ultra friendly.

Posters on here will encourage you to treat her badly because everyone hates an OW and they don't have anything to lose.

I would honestly encourage you to make friends, get on with her and cast your moral judgement aside. There's no point on doing otherwise and your DH will not thank you.

BlastedPimples · 04/12/2024 05:18

Eh? The op doesn't have to make friends with anyone she's doesn't want to.

What a bizarre perspective.

Numberwangggg · 04/12/2024 05:20

You are not obliged to like either your lying cheating BIL or his lying cheating new tart. Your husband sounds way too accepting of their shitty behaviour.

rwalker · 04/12/2024 05:28

Like it or not she’s part of your family you don’t have to be best friends

you say it’s not your place to judge but that’s what your doing

the problem is your just going to alienate yourself

Flame me now but happy people in good relationships don’t stray you never know what goes on and the issues in peoples relationships

SpeculativeHoumous · 04/12/2024 05:37

If she was a long term fiance maybe the marriage was just never going to happen for them and it wasn't right. Yes the cheating is awful but at some point I think you do have to accept they are a couple now. I wouldn't go round "bonding" with anyone but if she's moving in and being in his kid's lives then I think it's important that the adults around the kids are civil for their sake. In reality I don't think this needs much from you. Just when you do see her expand on your "hi" and ask one question and see how it goes. "How's work? How are you finding living with BIL and the kids? Are you seeing your family for Christmas?" That sort of thing. Treat it like you would socialising with someone you don't really know at the work Christmas party.

I'd try and think of the kids in this situation

Globules · 04/12/2024 05:37

Proud of you.

At the end of my 20 year marriage, myself and my children were quickly forgotten about by my in laws. The married person my husband had been cheating on me with quickly filled my spot, and her daughter took my children's place. Facebook was plastered with photos and comments showing new happy blended families. I found it shocking how quickly the in laws moved on, as the love my children and I had for them was reciprocated in many ways.

Be polite, but there's definitely no reason to like her. Or your BIL. Or pretend you agree with MIL actions. No bonding needed.

SpeculativeHoumous · 04/12/2024 05:38

THisbackwithavengeance · 04/12/2024 05:11

Ultimately your BIL is entitled to be with whoever he wants to be and it's not your place to cast moral judgement.

I wonder if you've gone on the defensive because you feel deep down that the women married in the family are interchangeable and this is an indication of how you might be treated should your DH leave you.

Your DH and MIL are being nice to her because ultimately they are Team BIL as he is their blood relative,

I thought your comments calling her a "piece" were off. You've said you've been polite but in the end you being icily and pointedly polite whilst looking disapproving and acting standoffish is just going to make you look the opposite particularly if everyone else is ultra friendly.

Posters on here will encourage you to treat her badly because everyone hates an OW and they don't have anything to lose.

I would honestly encourage you to make friends, get on with her and cast your moral judgement aside. There's no point on doing otherwise and your DH will not thank you.

I agree but there's no need for OP to go all out and start socialising with her outside family functions if she doesn't want to

JacquesHarlow · 04/12/2024 05:40

just find the situation really odd but it isn’t my place to judge.

but judging is all you are doing here?

I think you hold this position (to want to be wary and not get to know her) because she sets a precedent that partners can be replaced, and you don’t want to endorse her behaviour.

She’s fun, she has a big personality, and her existence tells you that people can move on from unhappy relationships.

Do you feel threatened by her @Mrscantsleeep in the sense that your concern is DH might one day be distracted by someone similarly vivacious?

LunaCoyote · 04/12/2024 05:43

This is the weirdest thread ever. “Happy people in good relationships don’t stray?”What a crock of poo!

OP, I am a normal human being and I also say: you don’t have to be overly friendly with the new woman. You can decline whatever social events you like.

And frankly you are allowed to judge her actions - so far that’s all you really know about her. In time you may discover she had the affair because she was being abused or controlled and felt trapped. Or you may discover it was a fantasy office thrill that grew into something more.

You are allowed to have values that are different to your in-laws’ and dh.

For Christmas itself you can be civil, of course, but no need to be falsely friendly. Make sure BiL’s kids know that you didn’t forget their mum; what a mind-fuck for them, that everyone else is behaving like their mum never existed.

HazelBite · 04/12/2024 05:47

What @rwalker said, you don't have to "bond" as such just please don't show your obvious hostility that comes across in spades in your OP.
You have no idea what goes on behind closed doors. You don't have to be best buddies with her straight off, or ever if you don't like her once you get to know her, but be mindful that family relationships are at stake here.
My brother has been married 3 times (twice to the OW) All 3 are really nice women and I've got to know them all well (What they see in my DB is beyond me)
There is nothing to stop you maintaining a relationship with his former partner or forging one with his new partner.
What I'm trying to say is don't be judgmental just take your time but for the sake of family relationships be pleasant.

cariadlet · 04/12/2024 05:49

Absolutely no need to bond with anyone, let alone someone who had an affair with a man who was in a serious relationship.

Be polite at family gatherings but no need to be particularly warm or to socialise with her other than at events which you both need to attend.

I just hope that you treat the BIL the same way. As the person who was in the serious relationship, I think his behaviour was worse than the woman's.

No need to stay in a relationship if you're unhappy but the decent thing to do is end one relationship before embarking on a new one.

cariadlet · 04/12/2024 05:51

Reread the op and remembered that the woman was also cheating on her long term partner. In that case, they both behaved equally badly.

BlastedPimples · 04/12/2024 05:53

Toe the line, op.

You're not allowed to hold any sense of morality.

Just nod and smile and do what you're told.

Otherwise you'll be replaced. You are terrified of that happening, aren't you? Because you couldn't possibly hold any sense of what is right and what is wrong unless you're terrified of being replaced by another woman.

Right?

I've never read so much bollocks on a thread. People only cheat because they're unhappy? Give over.

@HazelBite if my brother had cheated on his partners three times, I would seriously be questioning him as a person of any quality.

OhshutupSimonyounobhead · 04/12/2024 05:55

You said it isn't your place to judge yet your op is full of judgment!

Shoxfordian · 04/12/2024 06:00

Yabu, and judgemental. Who made you the morality police for the family?

pestowithwalnuts · 04/12/2024 06:09

THisbackwithavengeance · 04/12/2024 05:11

Ultimately your BIL is entitled to be with whoever he wants to be and it's not your place to cast moral judgement.

I wonder if you've gone on the defensive because you feel deep down that the women married in the family are interchangeable and this is an indication of how you might be treated should your DH leave you.

Your DH and MIL are being nice to her because ultimately they are Team BIL as he is their blood relative,

I thought your comments calling her a "piece" were off. You've said you've been polite but in the end you being icily and pointedly polite whilst looking disapproving and acting standoffish is just going to make you look the opposite particularly if everyone else is ultra friendly.

Posters on here will encourage you to treat her badly because everyone hates an OW and they don't have anything to lose.

I would honestly encourage you to make friends, get on with her and cast your moral judgement aside. There's no point on doing otherwise and your DH will not thank you.

OP has already said that this woman is 'full on '
Maybe she's too pushy and in-your-face. A lot of people find that off putting.

Gorgonemilezola · 04/12/2024 06:10

Perhaps OP has witnessed the pain caused by this affair and doesn't have any interest in being over friendly with the instigator. Don't blame her one bit.

Polite and surface friendly is enough.

Guest100 · 04/12/2024 06:15

Gorgonemilezola · 04/12/2024 06:10

Perhaps OP has witnessed the pain caused by this affair and doesn't have any interest in being over friendly with the instigator. Don't blame her one bit.

Polite and surface friendly is enough.

I agree. When you have seen the devastation the affair caused, it will be difficult to respect either of them. It’s ok to have a polite superficial relationship with them at family events. But nothing beyond that.

Diomi · 04/12/2024 06:19

Some estimates suggest that 68% of women have cheated on a partner and 75% of men.

You don’t have to be friends with the woman but bear in mind you are probably on perfectly good terms with plenty of people who have been unfaithful, you just don’t know about their infidelity.

I’m not sure what the point of taking a moral stance is on this one when the rest of the family have accepted her.