To not want to “bond” with BIL new partner

[Mrscantsleeep]

This is really getting my back up and I’m tired of having this same argument with DH around BIL and his new piece. He cheated on his long term fiance for this new lady they were having an affair at work both cheating on their partners. They have been on and off for years but recently made it official a few months ago now moved in with him and his kids.She’s really full on which is something I’m not use too and out shopping with MIL every weekend.BIL kids seem to love her.Apparently they are trying for a baby now too!

Hubby said oh you need to bond with her she seems alright. But it just doesn’t all seem normal to me I’m dead wary and I can’t put my finger on it! Also seems crazy to me how replaceable his ex partner was of many years and parents in law have just wiped any trace of her.

please tell me if I am being unreasonable? With Christmas coming up it’s causing arguments already. I’m not interested in getting to know her.

"piece"?

You don't have to bond by any means, but if she is spending Christmas with you and the family, a little more than hi and bye will be required. You don't have to be her best friend, you definitely don't need to socialise outside of family events, but a little chit chat will go a long way to appease everyone. Stick to surface level, generic questions or subjects, the ones you'd talk about with distant colleagues or friends of friends you don't really know.

No matter how you feel about her, and honestly your feelings are justified especially if you were/are friends with the ex, you will be seen as bitchy and standoffish if you say nothing but hi and bye to her.

YABU. Your BIL was looking to swap out his fiance. This woman is the one he chose. If you must judge anyone, judge him for choosing her over the fiance you liked. He shouldn't have started a relationship with someone already in a relationship, he is in fact the OM. Quite why he didn't run his choices by you is beyond me.

The family has rightly chosen to welcome your BIL's new partner because to do otherwise would potentially have knock on effects on seeing his children with him if they don't. And it seems they like her. It is possible to like more than one person. Maybe she's nice. Maybe you're not.

Get off your high horse. Who knows what's in store for you down the line.

Don't let your DH emotionally blackmail you in this way. You are not obliged to like her -she is only your BiL' s tart- indeed they both have the morals of alley cats, so no reason to condone their behaviour and their new 'happy family' facade.
Do as others have suggested, polite 'hello, how are you', 'goodbye', and if she's/he behaves like an arse, just leave
Good luck

Speaking as someone who was left very suddenly for OW, whom my wife had known about 5 minutes, I wish more people in her family had behaved like you OP. Instead my in-laws, who used to talk about how much they loved me and that I was "a daughter to them" dropped me like a hot potato, lied to extended family that my wife had not had an affair and no one else was involved in our split, when in fact she moved in immediately with OW, and generally slagged me off simply because I informed people that she'd had an affair and chosen to live with the OW.

We have a young child together and OW was also married with young kids. I worked really hard to keep my feelings separate from our co-parenting relationship and we get on ok now, I'm pleasant to the OW etc, but I'll never get over the speed with which I was cast aside not only by my wife but by everyone around her. I didn't expect them to take "my side" but some recognition of how awful what had happened was would have been kind.

This happened in my DH’s family but BIL new partner was his ex’s best friend. It was a mess and because we all knew her well it destroyed the whole dynamic. I think she assumed she would be able to just slide seamlessly into her predecessors shoes but she didn’t.
I suppose it was a trust issue, I have always found it difficult to trust her. She tried to alter the family dynamic and very quickly became pregnant. MIL was not happy but then when she was asked to look after her new GC almost full time she changed her attitude. Things didn’t go well, SIL took advantage, MIL although enjoying her GC, was often asked to extend care at short notice. When my DC came along she was relieved that I was arranging nursery for them rather than expecting us to offload onto her. She admitted that full time care of GC was too much.
Anyway, I have never been able to fully forgive SIL for the way she treated her former friend. To act as a confidant and shoulder to cry on while her best friends relapses falling apart, and be the reason it was falling apart takes some balls. And then expect has all to just carry on as if nothing happened, I’m afraid I have no respect and although I am pleasant with her I cannot trust her to become close.

There is no need to be anything other than civil. I wonder if part of the reason she bothers you is that it shows you that your own position in this family is unimportant and non-essential. As someone who married in, you can be erased in a blink just like your ex-SIL.

If your politeness is limited to 'hi and bye' and you otherwise ignore her, then yes, your disapproval will be evident and will affect any Christmas family get togethers.

You don't have to bond with her or be her friend, but you do need to converse with her and be pleasant. Behave as you would at, say, a work social event.

People like her make my skin crawl, so I don’t blame you one bit.
You have integrity and morals which your in-laws seem to be lacking. It’s horrible that they have replaced the ex so easily, and a real eye opener for you, I bet.
Just stay as you are with ‘Hi, bye’. Don’t say anything negative, but you are under zero obligation to make her feel welcome. You are as entitled to your feelings as everyone else.

Also seems crazy to me how replaceable his ex partner was of many years and parents in law have just wiped any trace of her

I'm really curious as to what you think the parents in law should do here? Do you think they should be meeting up with the ex-fiancee at weekends for a coffee? Invite her to family gatherings? Have her photo on the living room wall? How awkward would that be? And do you think the ex-fiancee would want to be included?

And honestly, you don't know what they are thinking or saying behind closed doors. I really liked my son's ex. When they split I would have happily kept in touch with her - but I didn't, because he's my son. It would have been an odd thing for him, and probably for her too. And then it would have been even weirder when he met his current girlfriend, if I was still meeting up with his ex.

Things change. People move on.

Honestly it sounds like you just don't like her, and the backstory is a convenient excuse to be . That's ok, you don't have to like her, or what she and BIL did. But if you are sidelining her just because of how her and BIL got together, remember that he is just as guilty.

I can imagine this is pretty stressful for your DH. He just wants to have a nice Christmas. It doesn't sound like you're overly polite if he thinks you're going to ruin Christmas.

Just be polite and try to be reasonably friendly in the way that you would be to a stranger at a party.
you don’t have to be friends though and I wouldn’t agree to spend 1-1 time with her. Certainly no point in seeing her outside the main family gathering.

“Seems alright.” Isn’t what bonds are based on. I think you’re behaving the way people do when they meet someone new. Bonds develop over time. I think the pressure is on you to fall in line with what they are doing is because they know that discarding your SIL the way they have is a shitty thing to do and you being more reserved shines a light on that.

They’re also ignoring the fact that they have shown you exactly what you can expect should your marriage end even if, like your SIL, it was no fault of yours.

Just tell your husband that although he has apparently bonded with her quickly, it’s going to take longer for you to match his affection for her and you’ll let him know when you do.

I didn’t read your OP as being judgemental OP (other than the use of the word ‘piece’ which I found derogatory)
I found it factual and with necessary context. Your main points being that the mum of BIL’s children has been so callously wiped away and that the new partner is a full-on personality which you aren’t used to and are wary of. And also that you feel pressured to perform against your natural tendency when forming any new friendship which may or may not come with time.

What I would take from this situation would be concern for the children and their inner turmoil at the swift replacement of their mum, even though they seem ok for now. I completely understand if you feel reluctance to accept this move won’t have been traumatic for them on some level. And i understand your concern for the discarded partner too especially if you got on well with her, as you won’t wish to betray that friendship.

As others have said, remain polite, civil, pleasant and take it slowly and naturally. If you happen to like her after having been in her company a few times, then so be it, but there is no need to take part in any rushed or disingenuous ‘performance friendship’ for the sake of everybody else in the family.
Just be yourself OP. Resist the pressure from your husband to pretend.

If anybody asks why you don’t like her or make extra effort with her, you just say …
’I haven’t had time to form any proper opinion as yet but of course I will get to know her naturally in my own time at family gatherings …why the rush for me to approve her …my opinion isn’t needed in this situation, it is what it is for now’

Why would your DH think you’d ruin Christmas if your polite?

It doesn’t seem an issue if you can be in the same room, make small talk etc… you don’t have to bond, treat her like you would a colleague!

Were you especially close to your last SiL?

Its not your place to be the morality police on your husbands family, or to make other peoples Christmas awkward.

People are allowed to make mistakes and move on to new relationships, and that shouldn’t need to come with judgment from their siblings spouses.

More people should be like you OP. Don't lower your morals for others.

I stood by the husband of my friend who brutally cheated on him then left him, and never spoke to her again.

When my own husband did the same, I realised how awkward it was for people who knew us but I respected the ones that either took a step back or made a point.

Harder with family so I'd just be polite, but neutral myself. The MIL will be terrified of losing her relationship with her son so will go with whatever.

I think op is right to be wary of not just the ow but also the bil and in-laws. I wouldn't trust them. You don't need to save her number on your phone and be friends but when you see her, just acknowledge her for the duration of the event and that's it. Coming from a family where my mother had plenty of sil's (my many uncles and their wives) and from sour experiences, she always told me to never ever trust them. They aren't your friend even at normal circumstances. Don't bad mouth her to your in laws or DH, be polite but also don't revolve your life around them. It will take years to form a bond with someone, your DH is bu there.

My personal voew of it is that I think that life and relationships are complicated and I do my best not to judge.At the end of the day he's chosen to be with her and he's happy, its not my business and I would get on with getting to know her.

It’s hard but I think now they are serious you should be making the effort. I didn’t like my BILs girlfriend when he first met her, she just rubbed me up the wrong way. But after they had been together a year I realised I might be stuck with her for the foreseeable and made an extra effort to be friendly and faking it til you make it does work. We are actually pretty good friends now.

Life is just easier if everyone gets along

@Mrscantsleeep are you maybe feeling a little bit jealous, or that your place in the family is being threatened? I ask because you mention she regularly goes out shopping with MIL and it doesn’t seem that relevant other than to indicate that they are becoming close. Its okay to feel that way, new people shake things up and it can feel unsettling.

Your husband is an idiot!

Leaving aside how their relationship came about, if you find her "full on" & don't particularly like her, you're never going to bond!

Are your bil’s dc also his ex-fiancée’s? Tricky. So the family has just moved on? Your ex-sil must be gutted, poor woman.

You do not need to ‘bond’. There’s no way my DH would try to tell me to ‘bond’ with the OW. My sil had an affair and nobody ever raises it and we socialise but her efforts at ‘bonding’ have not been reciprocated (we share an interest).

"I'm being a whole lot more pleasant to them than they were to their partners, so I think that's plenty nice enough"

"I'm not rushing to get to know her when she might be dropped at any time, just like the mother of his children"

As for the responses on here having a go at you OP, let's hope their partners never cheat and discard them, leaving them wondering why they were also discarded and easily replaced by people they considered as family.

My brother was not the nicest of people - we didn't discard his wife when he dumped her like this. We saw more of her than we did of him.

This isn't 'judgment', it is discernment. Some people are shitty people - both BIL and his new partner could have chosen to end their relationships when they realised they were attracted to eachother and decided to have a relationship. But neither are that decent kind of person who would do that.

Instead they chose to use their respective partners for home comforts and emotional (possibly also financial) support whilst they lied to and betrayed them - multiple daily lies and betrayals. Until they were finally ready to money-vine onto eachother. And they have the support of your husband's family.

These are not good people, and it is discerning to keep your distance.

You haven't clarified What exactly your husband means when he says bond?

Meeting up for brunch and spa appointments like a new bestie (unreasonable) or holding small talk at family gatherings?

You're not obligated to do either but you risk your family relationships if you don't do the second.

If at gatherings you're glaring at her while you say a frosty "hi" and then making sure to give her the icy cold shoulder the rest of the time, then that's not polite and probably what your DH means when he says you'll ruin Christmas.

Polite surface level small talk. The situation is bewildering I'm sure but You can do it.