To not want to “bond” with BIL new partner

[Mrscantsleeep]

This is really getting my back up and I’m tired of having this same argument with DH around BIL and his new piece. He cheated on his long term fiance for this new lady they were having an affair at work both cheating on their partners. They have been on and off for years but recently made it official a few months ago now moved in with him and his kids.She’s really full on which is something I’m not use too and out shopping with MIL every weekend.BIL kids seem to love her.Apparently they are trying for a baby now too!

Hubby said oh you need to bond with her she seems alright. But it just doesn’t all seem normal to me I’m dead wary and I can’t put my finger on it! Also seems crazy to me how replaceable his ex partner was of many years and parents in law have just wiped any trace of her.

please tell me if I am being unreasonable? With Christmas coming up it’s causing arguments already. I’m not interested in getting to know her.

I think it's OK to judge people who cheat tbh, I wouldn't want to be best friends with her either. Your Dh and Bil need to understand you can't force a friendship with someone just because they're in your extended family.

This, absolutely. Why does anyone have to be friends with anyone. We choose our friends, and they're usually people with a similar outlook. It doesn't sound as if OP and this woman have anything in common. Why on earth should OP be expected to be anything more than polite.

Just because the rest of the family have ditched BIL's former partner and mother of his children, doesn't mean OP has to behave in the same way. BIL can choose who he wants to spend his life with. In the same way that OP can choose who she's friendly with.

The original affair happened years ago, I assume the original Fiancé has moved on, and I suggest you do too. She might be a hundred times happier now.

YANBU at all OP. You DH is being an emotionally blackmailing arse telling you that you’ll ruin Christmas if you don’t bond with her.

I think like you I could just about manage to be coolly polite to them. I can’t do fake nice.

And of course you don’t have to bond . Just be civil at family gatherings at leave it at that.

There is no obligation for you to 'bond'/become friend with anyone.

Keep being polite with her, but distant.

You are also perfectly entitled to have your own views on people who cheat on long term partners.

Some bizarre replies about the OP being threatened by this woman or judgemental.

It is perfectly fine to have different values and not to like someone's company even if they are part of your extended family.

In fact it is refreshing to see a woman who sticks to her opinions rather than listening to the usual pressure to be 'nice'.

Yes, this. Or are you in touch regularly with his ex and know otherwise?

It’s clear from her post that she’s not keen on either of them. If OP was close with ex, she may have witnessed the fallout from the affair and the hurt they both caused. Sorry, but that would cloud my judgment too. There are children involved here and l can only imagine the effect that wiping any trace of their mother and playing happy families with the new woman is having on them. They may seem to like her on the surface but if OP is being pushed and pressured into ‘bonding’ with her the likelihood is that the same has been expected of the children - and possibly his parents too.

I’d be taking a step back from them both tbh, it takes two to have an affair so I’d be as judgy ( if posters want to call it that) of BIL as well as his new GF. No need to be nasty though, we all manage to rub along with people we don’t have anything in common with, or particularly like at work or whatever. I’d be polite and chatty in family get togethers but if my DH was pushing me to be more than that I’d be quite clear ( in private obviously) that wasn’t going to be happening, he could do as he wanted of course. I’d be wary of the in-laws in general going forward, This over the top happy families act is just that, if BIL broke up with his new GF, they’d discard her without a second thought as well, as would your DH it seems. If he then got a new GF they’d be all over her like a rash instead, it’s so false. If I was close to BIL’s ex I would still keep in touch even if the family didn’t like it.
Intended or not a lot of PP’s replies echo the Be Kind rubbish that women are supposed to ignore their own feelings and be unconditionally accepting of things they don’t agree with, so as not to cause offence, are we really still of that mindset?

You don't have to bond with her, and you should perhaps remind your DH that he doesn't get to dictate who you are friendly with.

Just be civil at family events and don't see her otherwise if you don't want to.

Remember though that your BIL and this woman share equal responsibility for the affair. Stop referring to her as "his new piece." It's rather too heavy on the internalised misogyny and rather insulting to women in general. We are not objects.

'On and off for years'

Whatever. I bet they've been together for years. Maybe had an argument here or there whilst they navigate their relationship and exes, but you decided to call it 'on and off'.

Because I doubt after making it official they would straight away move in together - especially when the kids involved are involved.

I don't buy it OP. They've been together for a long time. Let it go. Don't feel threatened that you will be replaced similarly.

It doesn’t matter how long they have been together. OP’s DH and BIL can’t co-opt her as a female friend for BIL’s partner to bond with.

Bonding with her is absolutely ridiculous and unnecessary.

Calling her is piece is the opposite of being polite though, as is only managing to say hi and bye.

I fully understand, however, why you wouldn't find this an attractive prospect. Not only do you obje t to the cheating, but your husband's and in-law's behaviour has probably stirred a vulnerability inside you. If one ex can be airbrushed so easily, it makes you question how they'd treat you, if your marriage suffers a similar fate.

Take it at your pace, OP. Your husband may be uncomfortable for a while, but he should understand why you don't care to rush into a relationship with your new SIL.

Oh come on. People like her was deliberately focusing on her as OW rather than his role. You know it so own it.

One of the instigators. Takes two to tango.

I'd be civil. Tell your husband he's a twat if he thinks it will ruin Christmas.
I'd stay in touch with the ex SIL if you want to.

Are you still close with his ex or have you ditched her too?

You don’t have to like her or be friends with her but if his kids like her and they have a baby soon and the in laws are on board you risk being on the outside while she becomes a closer part of the wider family. That’s a choice you can make, sounds like it’s a different one from your husband.

I dont think you are unreasonable but i dont think you need to have opinions of everything

I mean I wholeheartedly disagree with affairs but for the sake of family peace i would just go along with it i guess

Yeah I’m not going to be mean as I’m not that kind of person anyway. I’m just weirded out at how fast it has all happened.She’s really over the top and pushy and I’m just not used to that. The going shopping with MIL every weekend seems crazy too! I think she’s really trying to make an effort but seems very forced to me doesn’t feel natural.

Apparently she has been taking the kids to school and ex sister in law isn’t happy about that which I understand.

It isn’t my business anyway I just have to take her for face value. I wish I didn’t know the ins and outs as i have judged her on this basis! As I can’t understand what kind of a woman would sleep with a man that has a fiance and young children.

You know what, op, it will all calm down. Everyone will find their place. You might like her you might not. You're allowed decide for yourself.

And then in a couple of years, the whole family will be doing it all again as your bil starts shagging someone new behind this current woman's back.

People don't change. They really don't.

Hubby said oh you need to bond with her she seems alright. As usual, needs and wants are being confused. Your DH wants you to get to know her, you neither need nor want to do that. Your choice.

As for “bonding”, leave that for superglue and pet animals.

Nope I wouldn't be bonding with no cheating rat.

Getting on with BIL is one thing but you don't need to be best friends with his woman (not sure what to call her!). I could never understand why people expected Catherine and Meghan to be friends. Polite yes, friends not necessary.

I’d also be polite and friendly. I find it doesn’t do to be judgey in these situations, as often there is more to it, that ypu don’t know. And as it is only you and your husband who will suffer. You can privately judge. But keep it to yourself, or express it once.

I absolutely stand by my previous comment that op is displaying internalised misogyny towards his other half by calling her a “piece” (vile thing for a woman to say about another woman)
But it also very much sounds like op has a bee in her bonnet and some jealousy towards the fact that his girlfriend clearly already has a great relationship with the MIL. She has mentioned twice that they go shopping together every weekend.
Even the BIL kids love her-so I think we have not only an incorrect view of what really happened, but op appears to be the problem in this equation.

None of it adds up

She is probably terrified everyone hates her. Maybe MIL enjoys the attention. What was the fiancés relationship with MIL like?