To not want to “bond” with BIL new partner

[Mrscantsleeep]

This is really getting my back up and I’m tired of having this same argument with DH around BIL and his new piece. He cheated on his long term fiance for this new lady they were having an affair at work both cheating on their partners. They have been on and off for years but recently made it official a few months ago now moved in with him and his kids.She’s really full on which is something I’m not use too and out shopping with MIL every weekend.BIL kids seem to love her.Apparently they are trying for a baby now too!

Hubby said oh you need to bond with her she seems alright. But it just doesn’t all seem normal to me I’m dead wary and I can’t put my finger on it! Also seems crazy to me how replaceable his ex partner was of many years and parents in law have just wiped any trace of her.

please tell me if I am being unreasonable? With Christmas coming up it’s causing arguments already. I’m not interested in getting to know her.

I've had similar with my brother and just faked it a bit. I didn't have to see them often and they broke up fairly quickly despite claims that they were the biggest love story of the millennium. "A love which could not be ignored" (she actually said this to me and I had to control my eyerolls). Anyway, they broke up, but I'm glad I put on a good show of it. I didn't ruin my relationship with dbro and I wonder if I'd been too nasty if I'd have pushed them closer together as he would have felt as if he had nobody else except her.

you don’t have to become her best friend but you can be civil and friendly when you all meet. Calling her a ‘piece’ is disrespectful.

It sounds like you’re already being polite to her, what specifically does your husband want you to do? Meet up with her alone etc?
I can see why you feel uncomfortable regarding the family seeming to forget about the ex partner given you are also a partner. Ufortunaty as his family they have to support your bio in his partner choice.

as long as you’re being civil and friendly enough at group gatherings, I don’t see why there should be any wider issues ?( from anybody else’s point of view)

This ^^ Great summary and advice.

The calling her "a piece" is frankly just nasty not not polite. Do you treat BIL as pointedly polite and icily too as he was as much a participant in the way they got together?

my ex-DH had an affair with my best friend. I was shocked how quickly his family and some friends accepted her . It really added to the hurt . My in laws live away so I didn’t see them for some years until one of my children got married. I had moved on and had a new partner but to my surprise my in laws couldn’t have been more pleased to see me . I realised they had been put in a very awkward position. In later years my ex-MIL moved to our area to be near her son and I think I actually saw more of her than he did !

BIL is as much an instigator and she hasn't said she can't bring herself to have to be polite to him. It's clear she just doesn't like the woman. She can however remain civil on family occasions and not name call.

You are not unreasonable to be wary and to be horrified at how easily replaced the ex was. But please do not call her 'the new piece'. It's dismissive and misogynistic. You may not approve but she is actually a human being.

You don't have to effusive, nor should you be pushed into an intimacy you do not wish at this time.

Why don’t you get her a nice Scarlet Letter for Christmas?

Horrible language used here by OP and PP.

No, you don’t have to bond but you have to be more than civil. It can be done for a few days to keep a harmonious atmosphere over Christmas.

What they have done is not illegal. And it’s not uncommon. I’ve known people who’ve done similar. And while in an ideal world there would never be overlapping relationships, lots of people don’t have the impetus to leave one in which they are not really happy until they meet someone else.

Feel sorry for you op having to associate with people like this AND family members who don't mind.

This. The BILs relationship issues are nothing to do with the OP.

Relationships break up for many reasons.

Just be polite. 🙄

People like her ? What about him?
Is OP refusing to talk to BIL too because he is just as accountable as this woman for what happened.
Yes OP you are entitled to your feelings but you can be cordial without being off with this woman. Just be polite like you would with any new person, what if BIL had just split up with ex and then subsequently met someone else? Pretend that is the case

Yep, I agree with this.

As I’ve said earlier in the thread.

the people who judge heavily, are often those who think the minute you meet someone, you’re bound in chains to them unless they turn out violent.

And that anyone who comes along in a person’s life, and “takes them away” from the original partner, is a harlot of some sort.

Do you see what I mean? It’s a kind of “fear of being replaced” which means that the “upgrade” is automatically treated with fear and loathing because they represent what could happen to you.

HRTWT You lost me with 'his new piece'.

Shagging another woman’s husband is far more disrespectful. Sounds like an absolute train wreck in motion.

People say “you shouldn’t judge” but I definitely would judge any one who would treat a person so appallingly and that’s both BIL, his new girlfriend and ILs. How can people treat the mother of their grandchildren so disingenuously? She’s been cast aside and replaced without a backwards glance. Effectively punishing her for the sins of her husbands affair is disgraceful. Take note of this OP, these people are showing you who they are and I’d be very mindful to listen to them and be wary in future. I know BIL is your DH brother but I’d be ashamed of his lack of moral compass and his barefaced cheek that he expects you to bond with this woman. Ask him what happens if you bond with her and then inevitably BIL gets bored and chucks her a few years down the line for someone younger and more ‘fun’. Always baffles me that these women can’t work out that if he will cheat with you he will just as easily cheat on you.

Your loyalty to your SIL who you obviously would have actually bonded with and become friends with over the years does you credit OP. If someone asked people on here who are chastising you if they’d happily bond with someone who has helped wreck the livelihood of their friend I expect their answers would be much different in real life. Be as fleetingly civil with her as you can be just for Christmas and thereafter stick to your guns with regards to this bonding notion. I absolutely wouldn’t be doing it and not a person alive could make me feel guilty for it.

BIL and his new piece

Yes, you are, particularly for this delightful bit of internalised misogyny.

It’s also clear from your post you hold her wholly responsible for the affair.

And everyone else in the family seems to like her, you’re only going to end up distancing yourself from everyone..

Cutting your nose off to spite your face springs to mind

PEOPLE like her includes BIL - he is a person, didn’t know that needed spelling out. 🙄
Its just she is stuck with him as she’s known him longer and that would cause family issues, that doesn’t mean she has to welcome a cheating stranger with open arms.

And why should she ‘pretend’ they met afterwards? That’s also toxic.

Were you - are you good friends with his ex? If so, I can understand how it must be hard to welcome a woman who has hurt your friend and caused pain. The fact he cheated on his ex, rather than ending it and then moving on - I get how that may make you feel deeply uncomfortable. We are all human tho and sometimes we make mistakes, hurt others - but life does move on:- he does seem happy with his new partner, his kids seem to love her and from what you say, the whole family do seem happy. Do you feel your partners response is jarring due to it contradicting values you hold dear? If so, talk to him about this. It sounds like there may be a personality clash btw you and her on your side, additionally. In this instance I don’t think you have much of a choice apart from welcoming her into your extended family, playing nicely and getting to know her on a basic, family level - aka so you can hold conversation with her at family functions and also those family functions remain a happy space for everyone.

Having been the child in this scenario i felt luke id entered a parrallel universe with everyone welcoming my fathers' new gf as family (it was x this and x that) having experienced the total devastation of my own mums marriage collapse. As an adult i understand their need to maintain their relationship with my dad.
OTOH the other side of my family my maternal grandmothers response to her sons request to meet his new partner "i already have one DIL thanks!" Not one youd hear so much now.

You're right to be wary. Your husband's attitude and that of his family are telling you about their acceptable norms.
Divorce and new partners was a norm among my ex husbands family and friends. "Life moves on"

Guess how quick and normal it was for him to decide he's done with being married to me and having responsibility.
I don't think you're being unreasonable at all.

Why? She can be polite but why should she become best friends with this woman. The OP is allowed to feel distaste over their life decisions. With the Bil’s track record she probably won’t be around long anyway.

This woman is part of your extended family now, she’s not a fling. Perhaps you will be upset and angry for a long time about your BILs affair but I can’t see how it will help to deliberately keep her at arms length now.

This!

Personally I wouldn’t be mega keen for a cute cosy Christmas with either of them, they’ve both behaved terribly and I’d struggle to remain or become close to someone who thought that behaviour was fine and acceptable. That would be the case with anyone, so just the fact he is your brother in law and she’s with your brother in law wouldn’t make me change my whole outlook on life!
That being said, if you’re with them for Christmas, ‘hi’ and ‘bye’ won’t really cut it. Someone mentioned upthread chatting as though she’s someone you don’t really know at the office Christmas party.. which, to be fair, she basically is. You don’t know her and unfortunately what you do know is much less than favourable. Keep it surface level and polite but not breaking your back to be bosom buddies.

What a hypocritical attitude. BiL has replaced his fiancee, who was clearly OP’s friend, with a new woman after treating her appallingly and you think she should just roll over and make friends. It’s not that ‘everyone hates an OW’ on MN - it depends on the circumstances, and it appears both she and BiL were knowingly cheating on partners. OP hasn’t been defensive out of fear of being replaced herself and nor has she been judgmental. She simply doesn’t want to get over friendly with someone who has been instrumental in causing such hurt and upset to her friend. It’s called loyalty.