To not want to “bond” with BIL new partner

[Mrscantsleeep]

This is really getting my back up and I’m tired of having this same argument with DH around BIL and his new piece. He cheated on his long term fiance for this new lady they were having an affair at work both cheating on their partners. They have been on and off for years but recently made it official a few months ago now moved in with him and his kids.She’s really full on which is something I’m not use too and out shopping with MIL every weekend.BIL kids seem to love her.Apparently they are trying for a baby now too!

Hubby said oh you need to bond with her she seems alright. But it just doesn’t all seem normal to me I’m dead wary and I can’t put my finger on it! Also seems crazy to me how replaceable his ex partner was of many years and parents in law have just wiped any trace of her.

please tell me if I am being unreasonable? With Christmas coming up it’s causing arguments already. I’m not interested in getting to know her.

The kind of woman who has met a man happy to ignore the fact that he has a family so that he can shag around. BiL broke up his own relationship - it wasn't done to him.

You don't need to be besties - just treat it as you would if she were in the workplace. Polite, neutral etc. Similarly if you are actually friends with the ex SiL there is no reason why that shouldn't continue.

I think it's fine to be polite and neutral towards her, you don't have to be besties.

However I would now be wary of your PILs, having seen how quickly they've ditched the ex-SIL and accepted this new partner. They'd do exactly the same to you if you & your DH ever split...

Seriously, what do you expect of parents in this situation? Seems to me that it's a no-win situation for them.

you don't need to "bond" with anyone you don't want to. I can't stand my BIL's wife (no cheating involved, just hate her personality) so I don't make an effort with her. If DH told me to, i'd tell him to get lost! However, i am polite to her at family functions, for the sake of the wider family. My point being, be polite (not icily polite, genuinely polite) but absolutely no need to meet up with her one on one or treat her like a close friend.

I’d expect them to at least acknowledge that SiL is still the mother of their grandchildren. OP is being co-erced into bonding with the new partner, so no guarantees that other family members are welcoming her with open arms of their own free will.

The kind of woman who has met a man happy to ignore the fact that he has a family so that he can shag around. BiL broke up his own relationship - it wasn't done to him.

It takes two. Yes he was happy to shag around regardless of his family, but the affair partner was up for it too - again, regardless of his family.

But he is the one who broke up his own family (and by the same token, it was the OW who broke up her own family, not the BiL).

Its the person who has made the promises who has responsibility to stick to those promises. The other party has made no such promises.

Its not unusual for the other party in this type of situation to be ignorant of the existance of a spouse or to have an untrue account of them. How many women have fallen for the old "I'm separated from my wife who doesn't understand me" routine?

Where does it say that they don't? It's not an either/or.

If I've missed OP saying that they don't, I'm happy to be corrected.

What does he mean by bond?

If he means be polite, then yes you do.

If he means go on a girls weekend. No.

calling her a "piece" isn't ideal, OP

but nobody can make you want to "bond" (urgh) with someone, or like them

You're polite to her, that is enough.

Well when I go round PIL I normally go say hi then I usually go sit with FIL in his living room as I’m quite close with him and have a natter with him and MIL. DH wants me to go strike up conversations with her. But I don’t know what it is I just can’t I think there both disgusting.

i'd be judging - like crazy. And i would be telling my DH that he isn't the boss of me and i will bond with whoever i like.

I would be polite, as OP says she is, but i wouldn't expending any energy on anything to do with her if i didn't want to. If she wants to make the running (and we have no indication she wants to, this has come from BIL to DH - not even directly from BIL to OP). Like the men are telling "their women" how to behave.

That, frankly, would annoy me so much that I'd have a hard time being around BIL too, tbh.

Why does it have to be you who strikes up conversation? The OW can come talk to you if she’s bothered.

I agree with another post. Find some middle ground. You don't have to be best mates, but for the sake of family harmony, just be cordial around her.

What is the current obsession with bonding with everyone? Aiming for warm and polite is plenty. You don't need to be soulmates.

Tell him he's going to ruin Christmas by making you do things you don't want to do!

I'm in kind of a similar position because I found out my BIL's partner has a criminal history involving benefits fraud. She is very unrepentant and boasts about it at family gatherings. She is so manipulative that she has convinced my otherwise really law-abiding in laws (who are also a bit naive to be honest) that it wasn't really a crime and she was just being really clever exploiting loopholes, getting the most out of the state for her kids. DH (also a really law-abiding person who would be shocked by this in anyone else) seems to take it in his stride and says it's none of our business, let's just get on with them, doesn't want to alienate family, etc. He would love it if we got on better and spent more time with them because he'd like to be closer with his brother. I just find it hard to look at her and smile and be pleasant thinking about what she did and the fact that she doesn't feel bad about it at all, but I really think there's no alternative. There's no way I could do any more than just be superficially nice though.

My husband does the same thing of saying "you'll ruin Christmas if you don't make an effort to be nice to her or just avoid her".

I'd also have zero desire to bond with a cheater. And given they both have form who knows how long she'll be round anyway. Be polite on family occasions, but you really don't have to do more than that.

So where is your BIL’s partner — are you saying this woman has an entirely separate living space?

Affairs happen for all sorts of reasons.
Relationships end. You probably don't know the ins and out. People move on.

Life is complicated and it's rarely black and white.

I'd give the benefit of the doubt, since they've been together years and everyone else seems to get on with her. Why make it uncomfortable for yourself or anyone else.

Not your choice what they all do. Just try to be friendly. You dont need to bond if you dont gel or have reservations.

Also know that both BIL and GF have just created a vacancy 😂

Do you know the details of what she did ? If not, on what basis are you judging ? Life on benefits is really hard, especially with kids. Most parents would try to get whatever they’re entitled to for their kids if there really was no alternative. Sometimes it’s not clear where there are overlaps with benefits or thresholds for other income so she may have just been trying to maximise income and may not have realised she was actually committing fraud.

Oh no she did it knowingly and she’s proud of it! That’s what gets me. She likes the idea of ‘working the system’. I don’t know all the details but the way she tells it she did more than she ever got caught for and is very smug about it. The whole point was that she was not genuinely in need, so no, someone I could feel sorry for.

Also seems crazy to me how replaceable his ex partner was of many years and parents in law have just wiped any trace of her.

But what does OP mean by that? That they've removed photos of their son and ex together? Maybe she could explain, but I didn't get that they refuse to acknowledge her as their GC's mother.